A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] – Cleric


Now this may sound rather odd,
But sometimes the best in the squad, is the one with the cross
who can smite like a boss
by harnessing the Bitch-Slap of God. With a mace that even ogres will flee,
you’ll cast and crush things with glee. Some think they’re not strong,
and those people are wrong.
Welcome to A Crap Guide to D&D. (music) The support is someone everyone wants on their team, but nobody wants to be. Lucky for you, the cleric is like a support that decided to buy a Taser after being too fed up with being told to heal the barbarian who ran into a 1v20 encounter. Clerics are the religious fandoms in the D&D world that are so crazy into their deities that they’ve turned their fangirling power into something that can actually pack a punch. Having the same armor proficiencies as a Fighter and the self-sustaining capabilities of a Paladin that’s been juicing with unicorn hooves and Dragonborn acid. They have so many teeth-grindingly infuriating spells at their disposal on top of all that that Dungeon Masters all over the world universally agree to ban Clerics from the game so as to not make encounters absolute nightmares to give proper challenge without throwing approximately 20 black dragons at one Cleric alone to keep it balanced. Spells like “Flash Gordon”, “Buddy-Cop Weapon” and “Does My Hand Smell Bad To You” are so stupidly strong at such a low level it’s easy to forget why so many uncultured swine consider the Cleric a designated healer. Anyone who does has either never played the class or considered the Sword and Shield a viable weapon in Monster Hunter. …Wait. Unlike most other classes you pick your archetype at first level and you have oodles, canoodles, and toaster strudels to choose from. To summarize, you have Heal Bitch, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Sunburn, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Sunburn, “And My Axe”, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Sunburn, “And My Axe”, Nobody Dies, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Sunburn, “And My Axe”, Nobody Dies, Nobody Cares …and a couple of more that I’m too lazy to mention. Seriously with how versatile and independently strong you can build a Cleric you can make up an entire party full of purely priests, call it “The A-men,” and bust down Tiamat’s door demanding her lunch money, and she would just build her own toilet to give herself swirlies so she wouldn’t have to endure the kind of bullying you’re about to give her. Channel Divinity gives you special limited use effects depending on your domain, and can be as dumb as Turn Undead, where the power of the gods can make a zombie run away from you like it’s regained its ability to smell and realizes you’ve been sleeping with your Jesus blanket that you haven’t washed in months, or as useful as Guiding Strike where you can choose to add 10 billion points to your attack roll so you’ll be able to swat one fly with another fly’s deuce so you’ll be able to swat one fly with another fly’s deuce being whipped around on a string like a yo-yo so you’ll be able to swat one fly with another fly’s deuce being whipped around on a string like a yo-yo strung around your pinky toe so you’ll be able to swat one fly with another fly’s deuce being whipped around on a string like a yo-yo strung around your pinky toe while blindfolded. The only downside is that you get a pitiful amount of uses, like a gym two weeks after New Year’s. And finally the most notable trait of the cleric is Divine Intervention, where if you are a good boy or girl all year praying happy thoughts and burning that Dank Dank Holy Dank Holy Kush ™ if you wish upon a star the clouds in the heavens will part in the literal gods will stop playing their game of Jenga to fix whatever dumb problems you and your party have gotten into and then avoid you for seven days debating whether or not to write you a holy restraining order after seeing you pissed your pants fangirling over your religious senpai noticing you. And now you know how to play cleric. Amen. (music)

100 thoughts on “A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] – Cleric

  1. This is a do-over of the original cleric crap guide, which did not meet my standards for how I want these videos to be.

    if you REALLY want to watch the original version, just know that it's totally inaccurate and not in a purposeful or clever way. it is horribly misinformed and based on very little experience. I'm not proud of it. in the future I will do better to research these classes and write them more accurately.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bStLvnStr-Q

  2. If you have a problem, and no else can help you, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… the Amen.

  3. The Anime girl at 0:35 is Maki Natsuo from Love Lab (Ren Ai Lab) it was a pain in the ass to find :/

  4. 1:08 thanks JO. You are one of my favorite YouTube’s. Your crap guides are always hilarious and I love it.

  5. About to start a new campaign with my blue, dragon born, cleric. DM is gonna be pissed.

  6. “By harnessing the bitch slap of god” that is my new favorite phrase
    side note- you take back what you said about my sword and shield

  7. Huh, I can't read the secret message, but I found it at least.
    Edit: I just saw that 1 of the dragon's heads was your head 😛

  8. Finally spotted and read you message Jocat, embarrassingly enough after about two dozen views on this video alone. Keep it up.

  9. I personally havent played 5th edition enough to that much about clerics (yet) but it sounds like they havent changed much from their 3.5 version lol

  10. Or you could be like my DM.. too much praying and a celestial casts sending and tells me to get fuuuuuucked they got better shit to worry about than my silly little woes of an ancient false hydra. )':

  11. I literally just read the Entire Deadline Strips of Shaky Kane and that A-Men reference was impeccable!

  12. DM through an adult green dragon and about 5 or 6 high level demons and cultists at one cleric and one fighter. It was designed to kill both of them and they'd escape basically scot free. But the cleric and the fighter ended up killing everyone and only the cleric died.

    For everyone that's gonna say thats a dick move, we were in a major city with several high level paladins and clerics that could raise them. It was just supposed to be an attack that showed our enemies were pretty pissed at us

  13. "If you found this message, goodbye! And I wanna say thank you for taking the time to replay the video enough times to find it. It means so much to me that people are so engaged by my videos that they're willing to find easter eggs like this. You are the best."
    S2 Jocat.

  14. Arcana: Johnny Boy
    Death: Better Off Dead
    Forge: And My Axe
    Grave: Nobody Dies
    Knowledge: Nerd
    Life: Heal Bitch
    Light: Sunburn
    Nature: Nobody Cares
    Tempest: ACDC
    Trickery: Was I There?
    War: EVERYONE DIES!!!

  15. Okay I'm making my first character and it's going to be a Wood Half-elf Cleric and I'm going to have both God and anime on my side

  16. I was taking a drink from my glass at 1:28. I did not manage to swallow any of my water. Needless to say I hadn't heard that one before.

  17. But can we talk about how crap guide to monsters was also in that death pit, trashed for all eternity T_T

  18. An interesting combination I discovered recently was a Sorcerer Cleric multiclass. It may not be a great combination in terms of stats, but if you take distant spell and inflict wounds you can cast it at a 30ft range.

  19. This makes me wanna try cleric so fucking bad lol. Also again. Do blood Hunter

  20. Played cleric the second campaign I did. I ended up being the unofficial leader. Piss me off in or out of game good bye healing say hello to by divine tower shield and mega mace.

  21. Thor is not a cleric, he is a barbarian. here are my points:-Rage explains his super-strenght also that badass thing he does in ragnarok, infinity war and endgame where he crackles with lightning is definitely using rage
    -Extra attack is him using Mjolnir and Stormbreaker in endgame
    -Brutal critical is basically the "Go for the head" scene in infinity war
    -Relentless rage is the scene where Hela stabs his eye out
    Now for the subclass, he is obviously a storm herald because the Storm aura is the lightning thing i mentioned earlier

  22. My first character was a cleric, I had no idea what I was doing, or how to use spells correctly.

  23. Use the , and . key to go forward and back frame by frame so you don't have to spend forever reading the nice message jocat left you.

  24. Ah yes, ‘Divine Intervention’. The one spell that can LITERALLY turn a campaign from awesome to a giant fucking problem, not for the players, but for the GM. What’s that? Cleric prayed for the BBEG to be taken to Mount Celestial so he can be judged by all of the celestial beings aligned LG? Looks like this campaign just got DERAILED, CRASHING IT WITH NO SURVIVORS

  25. 2:04 "Crap Guide to Monsters" Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…..

    Crap Guide to DnD monsters confirmed?

  26. Man, this is the third video I’ve watched of your series and dang! It’s hilarious, helpful, and hurtful all in one. Thank you.

  27. "Now I know this might sound rather odd,
    But sometimes the best in the squad
    Is the one with the cross
    Who can smite like a boss
    By harnessing the birch-slap of god.

    With a mace that even ogres will flee,
    They will cast and crush things with glee.
    Some think they're not strong,
    And those people are wrong.
    Welcome to a crap guide to DnD."

  28. When I play a cleric with Death domain for the first time:

    Me Hey everyone

    Party what?

    Me I have a spell where I touched something with my finger and it dies

    DM get out

  29. And remember Kids, piss of the Dm by playing the Grave Cleric and never let him hit a crit or ever seeing one of your party members die.

    EVER!

  30. No JoCat, you are the best ^^

    Thanks for the easter eggs, I love these videos and its great to have more to fangirl about when I show off my finds to friends ^^
    Now I just need friends…

  31. I found your hidden message Jocat, and I just want to say I love your videos and that I loved your bard in the Unexpectables. Thanks for making such great videos.

  32. I used to think clerics were designated healers. I became a cleric because Our party only had a Barbarian and Warlock. I now get angry people have low AC son I have to heal them instead of Inflicting wounds. Also, Jocat is Tiamat.

  33. 0:24 In Gadiel's description you forgot the part about him being a smol precious cinamon roll.

  34. Makes Cleric of the Light: Solve all your problems with fireball, nothing but fireball.

  35. Just to let you guys know that you can be more tanky than a paladin with great dps if you go hill dwarf with forge domain(you start with a war hammer and chainmail armor)

  36. I mean, in 5e you could build an entire party out of different archetypes of any single class, but with clerics it barely even takes any effort.

  37. anyone know where that anime is from at 0:35 please? It looks so familiar to me but can't recall it.

  38. Multiclass lore bard and knowledge cleric for a character that's damn near meta like I did with my awakened bird… who can speak in shitpost and get away with it.

  39. Clerics really are obscenely strong. They can fight, they can tank, they can cast, they can heal, they can buff, they can debuff. Clerics can do literally anything, and do it well.

  40. Yeah, so I found the easter egg, but it literally took me 200 tries to read it. I found it first try. Because I'm a cleric.

  41. Now this may sound rather odd.
    But sometimes the best in squad.
    Is the one with the cross who can smite like a boss by harnessing the bitch slap of God.
    With a mace even ogres will flee you can pound and punch things with glee
    Some say they're not strong and those people are wrong here's a crap guide to D&D

  42. This sounds suspiciously like Final Fantasy 14's White Mage. Quite OP, they are.
    Once had a party of six clear a dungeon that required a party of 8 and nobody died. Was glorious.

  43. I slowed down my video to x0.25 speed just so I could read the message at 1:08 because these videos are awesome and helped me get into DND

  44. And then Wizards created Divine Soul sorcerers so you can make a sorcerer with OP cleric spells.

  45. I am playing a Warforged Forge Cleric right now…. My DM had to Nerf me because I was too good… LOL

  46. Cast like a wizard and wail on stuff like a fighter, while wearing heavy plate armor and healing. I’ve heard before that WotC made them broken as shit on purpose, because no one ever wanted to play them.

  47. My D&D party: Ok, so we're all clerics
    Also them, after I threw approximately 80 black dragons at them: (surprised pikachu face)

  48. The Easter egg that requires the eye of Odin and the reaction speed of Mercury to find was very nice. Thank you.

  49. Hey friend, this is my fourth video of yours, and my favorite of yours so far. Really liking your stuff. Thanks for doing your thing.

  50. Well JoCat, I wanna thank you for getting me curious enough to try playing DnD.

    Since I didn't what to do, I just told my DM I wanted to be a funny support and she made me a Kobold Life Cleric for my first game.

    I didn't even take a point of damage when all the tree-fae (still confused on what they were) ganged up on me. Though, because my stats I couldn't do anything but heal my team but it was fun.

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