I got Alexa home recently But she’s too smart for me I couldn’t keep her, I tried I was like “Alexa, tell me a fun fact” She’s like “You didn’t buy me to learn facts, you bought me because you’re afraid of being alone” I couldn’t keep her My uncle kept her though My uncle, he gets drunk and he talks SHIT to Alexa at 2 am, okay? And he’s my neighbour, I can hear him The other day I heard this from his house He’s like “Alexa, Dance!” I was like Uncle this isn’t a feature of this product This is the reason why even your daughter doesn’t live with you Once he had a very real moment with Alexa But he’s also sexist, so he can’t face the fact that she knows stuff He’s like “Alexa, why am I depressed?” She’s like “Depression happens because of the following reasons” He’s like “Shut Up, Woman!”… just knocked it down. “You don’t know anything” I love that word by the way, Aurat (Woman). Even the male version of that word, Marad, I think
is great. It’s just how some ladies say it “He’s my man, ALL MINE” Keep him with you, no one will take him away, he’s all yours, chill! Great turnout here This is a lovely venue, The Habitat They have a lot of Open Mics also Open Mics Where people try new material At this venue there are also Poetry Open Mics I’ve hosted a couple of them Poetry Open Mics – where they try new poetry They insist that you clap for them like this – *snaps fingers* Not like this – *claps hands* Because…it disturbs their rhythm, you see?Because apparently poets are the only artists with a rhythm, okay? The rest of us are just wasting our time. That is my understanding.. Comedians, even if you clap mistakenly, we’re like “Thank You so much, I’ll make that part of my rhythm” “Just don’t leave, as long as you don’t leave, I’ll work with that” But I saw this really weird performance at a poetry open mic This girl went up And she was silent for 3 minutes She didn’t say a word.. just complete silence. She covered her mouth like this 3 minutes, complete silence Lot of tension in the room Everyone’s quiet Then she removes her hand, She’s like “This is how men make women feel in the patriarchy” “This is what happens… …when women’s voices are suppressed and oppressed” Of all the things you can blame men for, lazy writing is not one of them. Just come out and say, “I forgot guys!” That’s all that should have happened Since we’re talking about the patriarchy, I saw this t-shirt on the internet recently It had written on it “Real Men Spoil Their Women” And “Real Men Pamper Their Women” And they were 50% off So I guess real men don’t agree Otherwise somebody would buy them And I don’t know why it’s okay to tell men what a real man is It’s not okay to tell women what a real woman is I agree Then why is it okay to tell men? And even that definition is based on what they can do for a woman I asked my friend this I was like “Dude, why is it like this?” He’s like “Dude, but real men don’t care” I was like “Oh shit” it’s not me then it’s clearly someone else, the real man over here Couples here? Any couples? Sir, are you with ma’am? (He says No) Dude, just say Yes for the video, who has the time to have an entire conversation? It’s not about you. He’s like “No, I’ll tell him the truth. Fuck YouTube” You’re together, aren’t you? Yes, they’re couples. So my next joke is about couples. That’s what you’re supposed to do That’s what you’re supposed to do. Everything has to be related It’s not enough that it’s funny “But the previous thing wasn’t related to the current thing” As long as it’s funny, you can hear it out. There’s no one really even saying this. I’ve just made up a guy in my head who has this problem. Ok so, A lot of couple-specific activities. When couples do those things, it’s acceptable. Single people do the same thing, it becomes creepy and weird. Couples can go star gazing, totally okay. They look at the sky, they’re like “One day we will have our own little universe” All this crap, okay? And when they go home, their car crashes, whatever. But when they’re there, it’s romantic. Single people can’t go star gazing, it’s creepy. It’s just regrets They look up, they’re like “I masturbated three times yesterday, dude. What am I doing with my life?” It’s creepy. This guy’s relating hard, “Yes, even I don’t have a girlfriend. I masturbate a lot too. You hooked us up on purpose. We’re just friends” So… Couples can go and sit by the sea, they enjoy the breeze. Totally okay, very romantic. They feed each other, they’re like “the sandwich tastes special when you’re the one feeding me”, all this rubbish. I’m like dude, they put the same amount of salt in every sandwich. They haven’t made this one
special just for you guys. It’s the same. Totally okay. Single people can’t sit by the sea for too long. If single people sit by the sea for too long, everyone behind is going, “Dude, he’s definitely committing suicide. I’m 100% sure he’ll jump, we’ll all be in the papers
tomorrow. In fact he’s the comedian we saw at the open mic the other day. The very same guy” But, I got optimistic recently. I got Alexa back home. I was like let’s give it another shot. One last try. I was like “Alexa, can you make Bhavish Ailani viral on YouTube?” That’s my name by the way. No response, sometimes it doesn’t work. “Alexa, can you make Bhavish Ailani viral on YouTube?” Depression happens because of the following reasons..