AP – “Write Myself Into A Poem” @WANPOETRY (TGS 2018)


I’ve tried to write this poem so many
times, like there must be a right way to tell everyone in the room that you wish
you were not there with them, like maybe if I dress up all of the hatred I have
into metaphors, it will be easier to escape my throat, but self-loathing isn’t
a pretty poem, it is not sparkling tears at sunset or pulling flower petals, it’s
more like I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks. I know the patterns on my
ceiling more than my own father and in all my mirrors reflections I see all of
the things I’ve ever been called, and I know all of them to be true, like maybe
my name is just a slur out of a passing car, maybe that’s what my mother meant
when she named me dark, named me absent of light, like she was speaking me into
existence before I even existed. I’ve been called selfish by so many I have
now accepted it as my new name. Maybe that’s why I can’t practice self-care
because my self is the only person I apparently seem to care about, so maybe
I don’t love people enough or maybe my love is never what they really needed, so
my love is not a necessity. I needed friends to survive, but they never needed
me, so maybe my survival isn’t priority, and when I look down on my hands all I
see is blood, and it never leaves, it just seeps and stains into every person I
dared to care about and I wonder why my vision is all red, so I’ve tried to write
myself into a poem because out of all of the things I know to be true I know
I love poetry, so if I am a poem, maybe
then I can love me so if I write enough to fill all of my
notebooks, keep spilling soul out to everything I write, maybe then I can be a
poem. I will write a poem about my hair so I make amends with its form. I write a
poem about my body, so I can live in it. I write a poem about my mind, so I can
claim it. Maybe I am every single poem that I write, maybe I am this poem, maybe I am a poem that I can never finish writing.

6 thoughts on “AP – “Write Myself Into A Poem” @WANPOETRY (TGS 2018)

  1. "Maybe I am a poem, I can never finish writing." SO relatable, I love it!

  2. am I my words

    or do they only exist to the living?

  3. I knew it was good when I had a vocal response at the exact same time as the woman in the audience.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *