Bill O'Reilly's '98 Novel Is Rich With Foreshadowing



WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I REALLY GOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE WELCOME YOU JUST GAVE US
JUST NOW BECAUSE I NEED IT. I KIND OF — I NEED A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO HOLD ME TOGETHER BECAUSE I'M STILL REELING FROM
THE ROSS OF BILL PLANTE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ROCKIN' AND A ROLLIN' ♪
>> Stephen: THIS IS REELING, RIGHT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) THANK YOU! ALL OF THAT IS AVAILABLE ON MY
EXERCISE TAPE. BUT LET'S GET SERIOUS PHO FOR A
MOMENT. I WOULD LIKE TO STOP RIGHT NOW
AND JUST WELCOME ANY ORPHAN BILL PLANTE VIEWERS TO THE SHOW
TONIGHT. WELCOME. I KNOW THIS IS A CONFUSING TIME
FOR YOU. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT. NOT AS MUCH AS WOMEN WHO'VE
WORKED FOR HIM, BUT A LOT. IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE HE'S
LEAVING. I MEAN, AS THE SIGN OUTSIDE FOX
NEWS BUILDING SAYS, "NOBODY MOVES THIS MAN." NOBODY! EXCEPT FOR THE JANITOR WHO
SCRAPED HIM DOWN THIS MORNING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, BILL'S BROADCASTING CAREER MAY HAVE A HIT OF HICCUP BEFORE
IT EXPLODED IN A HAIL OF BLOOD AND BONE, BUT HE STILL HAS HIS
BOOKS, AND HIS RAGE, AND HIS FOX NEWS PAYOUT WORTH $25 MILLION. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THAT'S TWICE AS MUCH AS THEY PAID HIS ACCUSERS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? BILL O'REILLY SEXUALLY HARASSED
HIMSELF. ( LAUGHTER )
GUESS SOMEBODY'S GOTTA TOUCH IT. >> Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! ( APPLAUSE )
CALM DOWN! >> Stephen: NO, I DIDN'T MEAN
THAT, NO! SO WHAT'S BILL O'REILLY GOING TO
DO NOW? FOR A LITTLE HINT, I DECIDED TO
TURN TO HIS 1998 NOVEL, "THOSE WHO TRESPASS." WHICH, I NOTICE, IS DEDICATED TO
"THE WOMEN IN HIS LIFE." THIS IS TRUE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
OR AS THEY'RE AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN, "THE PLAINTIFFS." ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND AGAIN, WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS
UP. HE ACTUALLY WROTE THIS BOOK. IT'S A NOVEL. THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS NOVEL
IS A BRASH T.V. JOURNALIST NAMED SHANNON MICHAELS, WHO IS FIRED
FROM HIS NETWORK NEWS JOB. AND IN THIS SECTION, O'REILLY
EXPLAINS HOW HE HANDLES IT. "HIS CAREER WAS THE SOURCE OF
HIS FEELINGS OF OMNIPOTENCE AND GRANDIOSITY. HIS TV JOB GAVE HIM DAILY EGO
GRATIFICATION AND EXCITEMENT. IT REINFORCED HIS OPINION THAT
HE WAS A VERY SPECIAL HUMAN BEING. HE GOT THE ATTENTION HE CRAVED,
THE ADMIRATION OF THOUSANDS. BEING ON T.V. WAS LIKE A DRUG TO
HIM, AND WHEN IT WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM HIM, HE HAD TO FIND A
SUBSTITUTE DRUG: PLANNING AND CARRYING OUT THE EXECUTIONS OF
THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAD HUMILIATED HIM." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: WHOA… WHOA… ( PIANO RIFF )
WATCH YOURSELF OUT HERE. CAT'S GOTTA WATCH IT. ( PIANO RIFF )
BILL… BUDDY… HELLO, HANDSOME. ( LAUGHTER )
I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT: I NEVER HUMILIATED YOU! OKAY? I KNOW FOR TEN YEARS I DID THAT
SHOW ON COMEDY CENTRAL. I KNOW THE CHARACTER WAS NAMED
"STEPHEN COLBERT," BUT I DIDN'T EVEN PLAY HIM. I THINK STEVE CARELL DID. HE'S SO GOOD. >> Jon: IT'S CARELL. >> Stephen: OSCAR LONG OVERDUE
FOR CARELL ON THAT ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
OH, HE USED TO LAUGH AT YOU. IT'S PAYBACK TIME– RUN, STEVE. OF COURSE, BILL MIGHT NOT BE THE
MOST DANGEROUS MAN NOW BECAUSE KIM JONG UN MIGHT BE DRAGGING US
INTO THERMO-NUCLEAR CONFLICT. AND FACED WITH THE POSSIBLE
ANNIHILATION OF ALL LIVING THINGS, PRESIDENT TRUMP MET IN
THE OVAL OFFICE WITH THE JOINT CHIEFS, THE HEAD OF THE C.I.A.,
THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER, AND THE SECRETARY OF STATE. I'M JUST KIDDING. ( LAUGHTER )
NO, NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE MET WITH SARAH PALIN, KID ROCK, AND TED NUGENT. ( LAUGHTER )
YES! GIVEN THE SOLEMNITY OF THE
OCCASION, IT'S APPROPRIATE THAT THE NUGE IS WEARING HIS FORMAL
CAMO HUNTING HAT. ( LAUGHTER )
AFTER THE PICTURE, NUGENT HUNTED REINCE PRIEBUS WITH A CROSSBOW. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY ALSO STOPPED BY THE OFFICIAL PORTRAIT OF HILLARY
CLINTON, WHERE NUGENT GAVE A SARCASTIC THUMBS UP, AND SARAH
PALIN DID THE OLD POINT-AND-SNEER. YOU KNOW SOMETHING WEIRD'S GOING
ON WHEN KID ROCK IS THE DIGNIFIED ONE.

41 thoughts on “Bill O'Reilly's '98 Novel Is Rich With Foreshadowing

  1. Good old media control over the lazy minded. Goebbels would love you.

  2. I can't imagine O'Reilly had his own consent before touching himself.

  3. For anyone who likes his dancing and want to see more xD http://gralto.tumblr.com/post/176689412614/tbt-that-time-when-the-colbert-report-20130806 there is a version here on YouTube as well but this has better quality.

  4. The thumbnail has the same chaotic energy as the krunk marge meme

  5. Why do I get the feeling he dresses up in his wifes clothes when he's alone? Seriously, I get that vibe.

  6. You don't pander to me by asking me to like and subscribe? That's a like.

  7. Six minutes ago I was fairly well-adjusted and happy with life. Then Stephen read Bill O’Reilly’s explicit self-insert Mary Sue fanfiiction and nothing makes sense anymore. I’m not sure I can continue on after such traumatic experience.

  8. I love Stephen but man, he once again proved white people cannot dance.

  9. At 0:58, so the exercise tape name is “Let’s get Colbertical”?

  10. wow… that was an interesting piece of inside Bill's head.. produced by himself… and so accurate… sick fuck.

  11. I keep coming to this video, to see Stephen's dance! Priceless hehehe

  12. aaand of course i liked the video. there have been no videos this week so…i am watching the old ones :):):)

  13. If O'Reilly was a journalist then where was his journal? 😉

  14. …didn't O'Reilly make a joke to Stewart about his next book being "killing Colbert" some time?

  15. I don't particularly care for Politics and apparently fox news' reporter, I'm only watching for Stephens wit! But it's good to know these things..

  16. i didn't know bill o'reilly was that bad a writer. 😂 the excerpt from "those who trespass" reads more like an excerpt from a 9th-grader's report on "those who trespass."

  17. Considering Those Who Trespass was one of things that inspired Tek Janson, I wonder if Stephen will be having adventures in space any time soon…

  18. Colbert Stewart 2020! I will vote! We will be laughing for hella dayz. 😂😂😂

  19. Colbert is a bit of a hypocrite. He had O'Reilly on as his guest repeatedly on Comedy Central AFTER information about his history of sexual harassment was known. Colbert was schmoozing O'Reilly constantly.

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