Today I woke up and typed into a search
bar, “Can you die from anxiety.” As in, can my ribs actually break shatter under the
weight of it. Can they splinter inside me and skewer my internal organs. It seems
impossible that it is so quiet around me when every vessel in me is screaming –
when I’m gasping for air and yet somehow still breathing. I lay here in a silent
room surrounded by safety but my body is prepared for war. Adrenaline pumping,
heart racing, bracing for the tiger attack I know is coming. Time is moving
so fast – flying by me – as I sit here immobile, unable to contribute, unable to do
what I need to do because I’m too busy preparing for a war I know isn’t coming. But my body is ready. It’s always ready.
It’s always ready. I am simultaneously breathing, I am, I’m
breathing, but my lungs are pumping too hard to get oxygen in them in rooms that
never have enough of it. The moment I awaken I feel the panic set
in like my body knows before I do that I can’t handle it. Every cell shakes. It vibrates. It never
stops moving. I know I’m not well. This can’t be
healthy. But the search results on my screen
assure me it can’t kill me.