There’s this guy named john, he lives with
his girlfriend in the countryside. john is sick of living in the same place,
he wants to move to a bigger city with better opportunities. there’s only very few people around his current
location and no opportunities whatsoever. The problem is, he needs to bring up the idea
to his partner, especially that john is aware that his girlfriend’s favorite place to live
is a less noisy area. john at last, chose to compromise, swallowed
his dreams in his heart. and kept silent about it. he’s afraid if he did initiate that crucial
conversation, he’d loose his partner. We’re all prone to these types of circumstances. For instance, your boss is not doing his job
right and since everyone around knows he’s unable to control his temper. You chose not to correct the guy, you have
no clue how to handle a crucial conversation so you decide to remain silent. Or another one could be:
You’ve impregnated your girlfriend, and now you have to admit what you did to your parents
but hey, that’s a very sensitive topic to bring up to the table. Instead, you choose to quit school, work at
a part time job so you could secretly feed your kid just so you don’t face the torment
of your parents. These are situations where a crucial conversation
is inevitable to move things forward. And almost, everytime people choose one of
these two alternatives Either A: they avoid the confrontation, terrified
of what the outcome might be. or, they face the fear, bring up the sensitive
topic but handle the conversation poorly resulting in disastrous outcomes. So for you to stop screwing things up, you
better learn how to handle crucial conversations unless you want to avoid them for the rest
of your life. Let’s say, your girlfriend got addicted to
alcohol, she’s drinking every single night and her behavior began affecting the relationship. Now going up to her and forcing your opinion
on her isn’t going to fix anything She’ll probably start yelling if you that,
you begin to yell back and both end up ruining the relationship. Instead, here’s what you should do: Before striking up a crucial conversation,
ask yourself these questions: What do i want for myself ? what do i want
for others ? and what do i want for the relationship? these questions will clarify your intention
behind starting the conversation in the first place. Are you walking up to the person just to yell
at him? or is it because you want to solve a problem
to further improve the relationship? The first principle here is to “start with
heart”. Did you find out that your girlfriend did
a big mistake? instead of dashing toward her like a violant tornado. Take a step back, ask yourself what do i want
for the relationship ? This question illustrates a clear purpose
in your mind to the reason behind addressing the other person in the first place. Keep in mind that you’re there to solve a
problem, not to cause further chaos. In crucial conversations, people tend to feel
unsafe. Signs that people feel unsafe include remaining
silent, taking things personally or withdrawing to avoid confrontation. So it’s really important for you to learn
how to coax the other person so they’d feel at ease while talking about sensitive topics. To achieve this you need learn how to establish
a “pool of shared meaning” The second you initiate the conversation,
say: “hey let’s imagine a pool floating in the
middle while we talk” “in this pool each of us will be throwing
all of his opinions” “Without getting frowned upon,judged or criticized” “each opinion thrown into the pool, will be
acknowledged and examined for credibility” “After sharing our thoughts and analizying
every single one of them objectively” “We get to make a final decision based on
what was thrown into the pool” This technique is called: the pool of shared
meaning. It can do wonders if you apply this into your
relationships. In crucial conversations, both parties tend
to believe that he or she is right and that the other person must compromise. So it’s important to give up on your selfishness, And establish a “pool of shared meaning” the
second you enter the conversation. Tell the other person to share his thoughts
into the pool without fear of judgement or criticizm. Make it clear that this isn’t a win-loose
situation. But rather a means to find a shared solution A solution that will surely benefit both parties. In most crucial discussions, people don’t
want to share their opinion because they fear that others will judge them. Establishing a pool of shared meaning will
make the other person feel safe and more willing to share. The pool of shared meaning is just a beginning.
Once the pool established, what comes next is the most important. Recall that a pool of shared meaning isn’t
a technique to use so you can manipulate others to thinking that you’re the right one. When you establish the pool, you have to be
genuinely interested in finding a win-win solution that will benefit both of you guys. And to be able to find that kind of solution,
you have to create a mutual purpose between you and the other person. The authors refered to four skills that will
help you achieve that. These four skills form the acronym “CRIB” The “C” stands for: Commit to seek mutual
purposes. It’s pretty rare that people seek out mutual
purposes while conversing, because both sides think they are right. If you find out that the conversation isn’t
going anywhere, and that you’re just adding further fuel to the fire. Suggest that both of you should completely
give up the idea that they are right. Thereby help each other to find a mutually
beneficial resolution. An example for this is to say:
“hey, i feel like we’re both trying to force our point of view here” “how about we stop for a second, and think
up a third alternative that benefits both sides” The “R” goes for: Recognize the purpose behind
the strategy. for instance,
you bought tickets to a noisy festival but your girlfriend wants to stay home. instead of laching on to your own purpose,
start questionting the other person. the magical word is “why” Ask your girlfriend why is she pushing so
hard to stay indoors. She responds: “I don’t like to go to a festival” Keep asking why until you find out a clear
reason. “oh i see ,you want to stay home because it’s
calmer.” Now that you know the reasons, you can make
up a mutual purpose by saying: “You want somewhere calm right?” “i just want to go out.” “In this case, let’s go to the park, it isn’t
that noisy there” “i get to breath some fresh air, while you
get to be calm, it’s win-win” Now she’ll be happy to say yes. Remember, give up on your own purposes, then
question the other person for their reasons. The moment you form a clear understanding
to why they want what they want. You can then align your need to the their
need therefore create a mutual purpose that will satisfy both sides. There can be more complex circumtances. Where even after questioning for their reasons,
it’s still not enough to create a Mutual Purpose. This is what the “I” stands for : if you’re
unable to create a mutual purpose, invent one. To be able to invent a mutual purpose, you
have to convince the other person that this invented purpose will serve as a long-term
purpose. For example, Your business partner is procrastinating
on his work. If you come up to him and say, “hey dude,
why are you being so lazy” His answer would be “well, i just don’t feel
like it, i want chill back and relax” So in this this situation, asking why won’t
help. Instead, remind the person of a long-term
goal. say: “hey man, project yourself into the future.
10 years from now, do you see our business as prosperous or did it fail? because you
aren’t getting the job properly done” Reminding the other person of a long-term
goal, is a great way to invent a mutual purpose. Another case would be, your girlfriend is
ruining her health with alcohol and cigarettes? Perhaps you could tell her to envision her
self with cancer in her future life. People often get caught up in the pleasures
of the moment, thereby forget about the impact of instant gratification on there future lives. Long-term purposes serve better at convincing
people because they are strong motivators. Lastely B: brainstorm new strategies: Now that you’ve created a mutual purpose,
you can start brainstorming to come up new ways of thinking that serves both of parties
equally. Imagine you’re working at a company, it’s
a pretty good job, you love it. But one day, you find out that your boss isn’t
doing his job well. and it’s affecting everyone including the
percentage of the benefits. Now someone has to build up the courage and
confront the boss to correct his behavior. None of your collegues were willing to do
it but hey, since you learned about how to establish a pool of shared meaning, you’re
good to go right?. So you go to your boss and strike up that
crucial discussion. The idea of sharing thoughts into the pool
was welcomed by him. But, after throwing in your own opinions You could sense that his emotions got a little
bit heated and his eyebrows contracted with anger. However, you decide to ignore his reactions
and keep pushing. Next thing you know, you’re homeless. The idea here is, The pool of shared meaning
technique works like a charm. But sometimes, people are shocked to hear
one of your opinions. other times they misinterpret your intentions
even though you’ve established a pool of shared meaning. In this case, you have to learn how to deviate
these misinterpretations so the person would get back to solving the core problem. There’s an effective tool for this known as
Contrasting. Contrasting consists of two parts.
the don’t part, and the do part. the don’t part is about fixing the misinterpretation. an example is to say: “hey boss, the last
thing that i wanted to do was to make fun of you” this will negate any bad intentions. The do part is: to praise the other person’s
self esteem. say: “in fact, i think that your efforts are
enormous and immensely appreciated” Contrasting will fix other people’s misundertanding
of your opinions so you’re both able to get back to solving the main problem. Just remember, everytime the other person
is to digress from resolving the problem and turn reactive, angry or emotional. It just means that they felt unsafe, that
their self-image is on the line. Use contrasting to restore safety, to deviate
their attention back on the main issue. As a recap, i’ll summarize all the main points
in way that’s easier to internalize. -In crucial conversations, the first thing
you’d want to keep in mind is mental preperation. Before entering the danger zone, ask yourself
what do i want for myself? for the other person? and for the relationship? -Second, as soon as you start talking, make
sure to establish a pool of shared meaning. tell the other person to talk freely, that
no one will be judged or shamed while running the conversation.
this creates safety. When people feel safe, they are more liable to share. -Third, use the “CRIB” Skills to handle the
conversation. Both sides must contribute and help each other
to analyze every opinion thrown into the pool of shared meaning. You do this by asking the other person for
his reasons thereby create a mutual purpose, a win-win solution. -If asking why doesn’t work, remind the other
person of a long-term purpose because it serves as a strong motivator. -While talking, the person might get angry
or take things personally. If this happens, use contrasting to relieve
any bad intentions. Follow up by praising the person’s self esteem
and show respect for them so they’re able to calm down again, and focus back on resolving
the main problem. Lastly, after inventing or creating a mutual
purpose, start brainstorming new ideas, new ways of thinking to come up with a win-win
solution satisfying both sides. And this is essentially, the right strategy
to go about handling, Crucial Conversations.


  1. Hey guys 🙂 how's it going?

    You can buy the book from here –

    this video was supposed to be published last Saturday. The challenge was to produce three videos every two weeks. Anyway, the book is pretty much a mixture of the 7 habits by covey & how to win friends and influence people by Carnegie. However, it goes deeper on how to apply synergy, especially when stakes are high.

    – Asking a roommate to move, confessing that you were cheating, confronting your boss, Making decisions for a whole group, all of these are high-risk discussions & almost always catch us off guard. Until that happens, you better be properly equipped.

    A crucial thing to keep in mind: None of these techniques are useful if you lack self-awareness. Meaning, if you're importunate, reactive or sensitive, how are you supposed to calm down the other person ?
    First and foremost, cultivate self-awareness (meditation helps)

    Make sure to watch with subtitles to follow up with the actual script (CC)
    Silly things I discovered while working: the words "girlfriend and world" are a bit hard to pronounce. The word "rural" is almost impossible, haha. I had to replace it with "countryside" instead.

    (I think I got the Audio under control now after making several vids. either you win or learn something 🙂

     Thanks for watching.

  2. can anyone explain 'the pool of shared meaning' around ~3.45.
    "let's imagine a pool floating in the middle while we talk" –do you actually say that to the other person?

  3. Shit bro I was just working on making a summary of this book! Great timing, I like your work on it. Nice breakdown keep it up!

  4. Very beautifully and succinctly your videos. How do you create these videos, you use any tools? I like the way you explain the pieces in the journey and then link back all up to showcase the full journey…keep it up!

  5. Nice Dude good articulation among the relevant image and voice….Are you do this video on your own using videoscribe ,or you have a vendor company something who are doing for you..

  6. best channel ever. I can't believe that it doesn't have million subscriber. keep on.

  7. can't believe that such a great channel has only less than 6000 subscriber…keep up the good work man you are on the right track

  8. This requires/ expects too much from others

    Sth that is powerful enough to touch others' minds .
    let them change opinions or think the opinions are made by them unconsciously is much better.

    Especially the case to ease selfishness and to embrace mutual benefits.

  9. Super review! Done in such a way that I can impliment this as if having read the book!

  10. I'm not conviced at all by any part of the video
    It doesn't seem really thinked through, did you make that up while doing the video ?
    There's a lot of good book on communication that can really help like Marshall Rosenberg's books

  11. I hope you make a part 2 of this books (the part of stories )because It's awesome .. great work

  12. Can you do Never Split the Difference and compare it to this book? I want to read one, but I obviously don't wanna buy them both if one is superior. I know they're both very popular so you will get views for sure.


  14. Hi, please have a video about this book :

    Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong
    by Eric Barker

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *