You know how I know I’m getting old?
This is embarrassing, but… I was in my hotel room. I was– I’m not gonna lie,
I was jerking off. And I was really sweating it out. And this is when I knew I was old. I just gave up in the middle
like nothing even happened. I don’t like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. It’s old. An old-looking dick. It’s got salt-and-pepper hair
all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman
in the ’90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, “Dave pulled me out
and started jerking me around. Jerking me around. But not with the same vigor
as when he was young. He and I both knew
nothing was coming out.” I see my age in my children. I came home from the road,
this is not long ago. I’d been gone for– If you picture,
I was gone for weeks and weeks, and when I came back, nobody was home. Not one person in my family thought that maybe I’d like to see them
when I got back. They knew when I was coming back,
but they just weren’t… They just weren’t home. And that shit was a wake-up call. You know, like, when my kids were little, and the tour bus would pull up
to the house, these motherfuckers would spill out. “Dad is home. Hooray!” And they’d hug me and kiss me. And then, as the years went on,
they’d get less interested. “Hey, everybody, look,
it’s Mr. Promises back from the road.” But an empty house, that’s… That’s some cold shit. I went into my oldest son’s room.
I was like, “Hello? Hello?” He was gone. I’d never done this to him before,
but for some reason, I just did it. I just… I just looked through his shit. Just to see who this motherfucker
was becoming. I found these notebooks, and I started
going through the notebooks, and it was all this wonderful poetry
in them. It was his handwriting. I didn’t even know this nigga wrote poems. Then I look through his drawers,
and I open up his middle drawer… and I found this rolling paper. And I looked down
at them papers, like, “Oh… that’s where that poetry is coming from.” And that shit broke my heart. I mean, I smoke weed,
but I mourned my son’s innocence. And I cried a little bit… and I took his papers upstairs in my room. Rolled some weed
that I’d hid from the family. And I got really high. And then I got paranoid… so I put his papers back
how I found them… so he wouldn’t know what I was up to. This nigga won’t even know that
that happened till he sees this special. Yeah, nigga, I found your papers. He’s a cold motherfucker. This kid is only 16 years old.
Listen to what he did to me. This motherfucker calls me up… in the middle of the night.
It was one o’clock in the morning. He goes, “Dad, don’t be mad.” I knew something was terribly wrong. I said, “What’s going on?”
He said, “Listen, I’m fine. And don’t forget you told me to do this. I’m at a party, and my designated driver
had too much to drink. Me and my friends need you
to come pick us up.” I said, “Jesus Christ.
It’s one o’clock in the morning, nigga. I am shitfaced.” But then I figured fuck,
it’s better me than some kid. I might as well roll the dice
and go pick my nigga up. I said, “All right,
I’m coming to get you. Give me the address
and I’ll be right there.” And then he gave me the address,
and I was shocked. I said, “Son, you are not
gonna believe this, but… I’m at the same party, nigga.”