Dave Harris – “Shark Week”


For most of my life,
I thought all white people were sharks. I don’t mean cold-blooded or bloodthirsty or sharp-toothed or strong swimmers. What I mean is resistant
to frigid, icy climates. Example: “Mom, why do I have to wear
a winter coat outside? The sharks are still wearing
shorts and flip-flops.” Or, “Look at that group of sharks
headed to the club in nothing but crop tops. How they not even cold?” Imagine a sea of pale, chalky thighs
cracking in the bony winds of winter, fissures forming under jean shorts,
begging for the soft caress of lotion. (laughter) Once a great white shark
with waves of hair tapped my shoulder in line. Would I be a gentleman
and give her my coat? The audacity of white people
to not wear coats and then freeze. (laughter) Out here at the function,
looking like a snowman, just to see Aaron Carter in concert. And still, there’s a whole week
dedicated to sharks, it’s called “Shark Week.” Really just a time to watch things
die in their mouths. Good home training– when it’s coldest,
I’m always sure to cover my skin, careful to keep my blood from showing. It’s dangerous, and I know better. (applause)

13 thoughts on “Dave Harris – “Shark Week”

  1. i wasnt first
    I wasnt last
    but one things for certain,
    i clicked very fast

  2. When I clicked I was convinced this was gonna be about periods lmao

  3. I thought this was a poem about dealing with women on their periods.

  4. What a fantastic final line. Not sure whether the audience didn’t get it or were just stunned

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