Guante – “10 Excerpts From New York Times OpEds in Fictional Realities”


It’s called “10 Excerpts From New York Times
OpEds in Fictional Realities” or “What happens
when you understand conflict, but don’t understand power?” 1. I condemned
the destruction of Alderaan. Then I saw the longer video in which Princess Leia
says some pretty mean stuff to Grand Moff Tarkin. In this outrage culture, it’s just so easy to ignore
the larger context, and I apologize. 2. When we focus so much on the “wolfman” terrorizing our village
and eating our children, it implies that all men are wolves, and we need to do a better job
celebrating the men who aren’t werewolves, not just condemning the ones who are. 3. Dolores Umbridge tortured students. That’s no excuse for disrespect. 4. I don’t enjoy The Hunger Games. I think they’re ugly, violent spectacles. I just wonder, though, in our rush to make everything
more “politically-correct,” whether banning them would amount to throwing the baby
out with the bathwater. 5. I am part of the resistance inside The Nothing’s transdimensional
cabal of existence-eaters. 6. While it’s certainly true that the phrase
“There is no war in Ba Sing Se” is propaganda meant to brainwash
the populace into submission, one has to admit, it is peaceful here. Residents of Ba Sing Se
aren’t constantly embroiled in debates about cultural appropriation
or trigger warnings; it’s a place where things just work. 7… (laughter) This complete inability to see nuance, to put yourself in your rival’s shoes, to compromise. Indeed, the people fighting
the Nazgul are the real Nazgul. 8… (laughter) I don’t agree with Thanos
murdering half the universe, but does that merit
harassing him in the street, calling him names, having people trying to steal his glove? Imagine this happening
to someone you agree with and see how you feel. Sure, Thanos is evil, but the Avengers are no angels themselves. 9. Who among us hasn’t,
as an unruly youth, wiped out a village of Tusken Raiders or killed a few younglings while
in the throes of teenage angst? Let boys be boys. 10. Count Dracula may be
a blood-drinking murderer, but when these liberal college students
pressure their universities to not invite him to campus
for paid speaking engagements, they’re committing
a different sort of murder– the murder of our first amendment rights. Now, I’m no expert,
I don’t have any “qualifications” that merit a regular column
read by millions of people, but I do know this: as my body is devoured
by a swarm of giant bats, my last thought will be one word: civility, civility, civility. {cheers and applause)

10 thoughts on “Guante – “10 Excerpts From New York Times OpEds in Fictional Realities”

  1. What a fun contrast to some of Guante’s heavier pieces! I could listen to anything he writes all day

  2. I don't think I've heard a poem by Guante that I didn't like. No matter what the theme is, he never fails to amaze me.

  3. this is a very strange, specific poem, and I appreciate your sharing it all the more because of that!

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