Hieroglyphic Tales | Horace Walpole | Gothic Fiction, Literary Fiction | Audiobook Full | English



purpose of hieroglyphic tales this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org hieroglyphic tales by horace walpole previs sharma harm no campana JAMA Byong ku initials absurd order put a face on glance the sofa page 5 Strawberry Hill printed by de coeur gate 1785 preface as the invaluable present time making to the world may not please all tastes from the gravity of the matter the solidity of the reasoning and the deep learning contained in the ensuing sheets it is necessary to make some apology for producing this work in so trifling an age when nothing will go down but temporary politics personal satire and idle romances the true reason then for my surmounting all these objections were singly this I was apprehensive lest the work shall be lost to posterity and though it may be condemned at present I could have no doubt but it will be treated with due reverence some hundred ages hence when wisdom and learning shall have gained their proper ascendant over mankind and when men shall only read for instruction and improvement of their minds as I shall print n hundred thousand copies summit may be hope it will escape the habit that is made of moral works and then this jewel will shine forth in its genuine luster I was in the greater hurry to consign this work to the press as I will see that the art of printing were ere long be totally lost like other useful discoveries well-known to the ancients such were the art of dissolving rocks with hot vinegar of teaching elephants to dance on the slack rope of making malleable glass of writing epic poems that anybody would read after they had been published a month and the stupendous invention of new religions a secret of which illiterate Mohammed was the last person possessed notwithstanding this my zeal for good letters and the ardor of my Universal citizenship for I declare I designed this present for all nations there are some small difficulties in the way to prevent my conferring this my great benefaction on the world completely and all at once I'm obliged to produce it in small portions and therefore beg the prayers of all good and wise men that my life may be prolonged to me till I shall be able to publish the whole work no man else being capable of executing the charge so well as myself for reasons that my modesty will not permit me to specify in the meantime as it is the duty of an editor to acquaint the world with what relates to himself as well as his author I think it right to mention the causes that compel me to publish this work in numbers the common reason of such proceeding is to make a book dearer for the ease of the purchases it being supposed that most people had rather give 20 shillings by sixpence a fortnight than pay 10 shillings once for all public spirited as this proceeding is I must confess my reasons are more and merely personal as my circumstances are very moderate and barely sufficient to maintain decently a gentleman of my abilities and learning I cannot afford to print at once and hundred thousand copies of two volumes in folio for that will be the whole mess of hieroglyphic tales when the work is perfected in the next place lean very asthmatic and requiring a free communication of air I lodge in the uppermost story of a house in an alley not far from Samaria acts and is a great deal of good company lodges in the same mansion it was by a considerable favor that I could obtain a single chamber to myself which chambers by no means large enough to contain the whole impression for I designed to vend the copies myself and according to the practice of other great men shall sign the first sheet myself with my own hand desirous as I am of acquainting in the world with many more circumstances relative to myself some private considerations prevent my indulging their curiosity any father at present but I shall take care to leave so my Newton account of myself to some public library that the future commentators and editors of this work shall not be deprived of all necessary lights in the meantime I begged the reader to accept the temporary compensation of an account of the author whose work I am publishing the hieroglyphic tales were undoubtedly written a little before the creation of the world and have ever since been preserved by oral tradition in the mountains of crab craigory and not inhabited island not yet discovered but these few facts we could have the most authenticated stations of several clergymen who remember to have heard them repeated by old men long before they the said clergymen were born we do not trouble the reader with these other stations let's be sure everybody will believe them as much as if they had seen them it is more difficult to ascertain the true author we might ascribe them with great probability to Cayman eligor because son of quat but besides that we're not certain that any such person ever existed it's not clear that he ever wrote anything but a book of cookery and that in heroic verse others given to quads news and a few to Hermes Trismegistus though there was a passage in the lattice treatise on the harpsichord which directly contradicts the account of the first volcano in the 100 and 14th of the horrible tails Astra's megistias work is lost it is impossible to decide now whether the discordance mentioned is so positive as has been asserted by many lewnard men who only guests at the opinion of Hermes from other passages in his writings and who indeed are not sure whether he was speaking of volcanoes or cheesecakes for he drew so ill that his hieroglyphics may often be taking for the most opposite things in nature and is there is no subject which is not treated it's not precise and he known what he was discussing in any one of them this is the nearest we can come to any certainty with regard to the author but whether he wrote the tales 6,000 years ago as we believe or whether they were written for him within these 10 years they are incontestably the most ancient work in the world and though there is little imagination and still less invention in them yet there are so many passages in them exactly resembling homer that any man living would conclude they were imitated from their great poet if it was not certain that Homer borrowed from them which I shall prove two ways first by giving homers parallel passages at the bottom of the page and secondly by translating Homer himself into prose which will make him so unlike himself that nobody will think he could be an original writer and when he has become totally lifeless and insipid it will be impossible but tales shall be preferred to the Iliad especially as I designed to put them into a kind of style that shall be neither verse nor prose addiction lately much used in tragedies and heroic poems the former which are really heroic poems from want of probability as an antic a moderno epic poem is in fact a mere tragedy having no change of scene no incidents but a ghost under storm and no events but the deaths of the principal actors I will not detain the reader longer from the perusal of this invaluable work but I must beseech the public to be expeditious and taking off the whole impression as fast as I can get it printed because I must inform them that I have a more precious work in contemplation namely a new Roman history in which I mean to ridicule detect and expose all ancient virtue and patriotism and show from original papers which i'm going to write and which I shall afterwards bury in the ruins of Carthage and then dig up then it appears by the letters of hano the Punic ambassador to Rome that Skippy Oh was in the pay of Hannibal and that the dilla tarina so fabulous proceeded from his being a pensioner of the same general I own this discovery will pierce my heart but des morality is best taught by showing how little affected her on the best of men I will sacrifice the most virtuous names for the instruction of the present wicked generation I cannot doubt but when once they have learned to detest the favorite heroes of antiquity they will become good subjects of the most pious King that ever lived since David who expelled the established royal family and then some sums to the memory of Jonathan to who's prejudiced he had succeeded to the throne end of Pettis tale one of hieroglyphic tales by horace walpole this LibriVox recording is in the public domain a new Arabian Nights entertainment at the foot of the great mountain he gone cool was anciently situated the kingdom of love Adele geographers who not have to make such just comparisons said it resembled a football just going to be kicked away and so it happened for the mountain kicked the kingdom into the ocean and it has never been heard of since one day a young princess had climbed up to the top of the mountain together goat sings the whites of which are excellent for taking off freckles goats eggs yes natural has told that all beings are conceived in an egg the goats of hair gone coo who might be a vaporous and lay their eggs to be hatched by the Sun this is my supposition no matter whether I believe it myself or not I were to write against and abused any man that opposes my hypothesis it will be fine indeed if Leonard memorable I'd to believe what they have said the other side of the mountain was inhabited by a nation of whom the lava Darien's knew no more than the French nobility do of Great Britain which they think is an island that somehow or other may be approached by land the princess had strayed into the confines of cuckoo cuckoo when she suddenly found herself seized by the gods of the prince that reigned in their country they told her in few words that you must be conveyed to the capital and married to the giant their Lord and Emperor the giant it seems the fond of having a new wife every night he was to tell him a story that would last till morning and then have a head cut off such odd ways have some folks of passing their wedding nights the princess Mahdists be asked why their master loved such long stories the captain of the guard replied his Majesty did not sleep well well said she and if he does not know but I believe I can tell as long stories as any princess in Asia now I can repeat Layana des by heart nor impre must be wakeful indeed if he can hold out against that by this time they were arrived at the palace to the great surprise that the princess the Emperor so far from being a giant was but five feet one inch in height but being two inches taller than any of his predecessors the flattery of his courtiers have bestowed the name of giant on him the effective little down on any man above his own stature the princess was immediately undressed and put to be at his majesty being impatient to hear a news story light of my eyes said the Emperor what is your name I call myself the princess grown novia replied she but my real appellation is the frog rana and what is the use of a name that is Majesty but to be called by it and why do you pretend to be a princess if you are not my turn is romantic answered she and I have ever had the ambition of being the heroine of a novel now there were two conditions that entitle 12 that rank will must be a shepherdess or a princess Mel content yourself said the giant you will die an empress without being either the one or the other but what sublime reason had yuval lengthening your names are unaccountably it is a custom in my family said she all my ancestors will learn ad men who wrote about the Romans it sounded more classic and gave a higher opinion of their literature to put a Latin termination to their names all this is Japanese to me said the Emperor but your ancestors seem to have been a parcel of mountebanks does one understand anything the better for corrupting one's name Oh said the princess but it showed taste too there was a time in Italy the learner to carried this still father and a man with a large forward who was born on the fifth of January called himself Quintus young warriors fronto more and more absurd said the you seem to have a great deal of impertinent knowledge about a great many impertinent people but preceding your story whence came you menia said she I was born in Holland The Deuce he was said the Emperor and where is that it was nowhere replied the princess right Lily for my countrymen gained on the scene indeed moppet said his majesty I pray who were your countrymen before you had any country Your Majesty asks a very shrewd question said she which I cannot resolve on a sudden but I was step home to my library and consult five or six thousand volumes of modern history and one hundred or two dictionaries in an abridgment of geography and 40 volumes in folio and be back in an instant not so fast my knife said the Emperor you must not rise to revo to execution it is now one in the morning and you have not begun your story my great-grandfather continued the princess was a Dutch merchant who passed many years in Japan and what account said the Emperor he went the third to enjoy this religion said gee that he might get money enough to return and defend it against Phillip the second you're a pleasant family said the Emperor but though I love fables I hate genealogies I know in all families by their own account there never was anything but good and great men from father to son a sort of fiction that does not at all amuse me in my dominions there is no nobility but flattery whoever flatters me best has created a great lord and it titles i confer a synonymous to their merits there is his my breach can my favorite adulation can lord treasurer perogative can head of the law and blasphemy can high priest whoever speaks truth corrupts his blood and is it so facto degraded in Europe a man to be noble because one of his ancestors was a flatterer but everything degenerates the father it has removed from its source I will not hear a word of any of your race before your father what was he it was in the height of the contests about the bull you know generators I tell you interrupted the Emperor I will not be plagued with any more of those people with Latin names they're a passel of cockscombs and seem to have infected you with their folly I am sorry replied granot via that was sublime Highnesses so little acquainted with the state of Europe is to take a papal ordinance for a person unigine itís is latin for the Jesuits and who the devil of the Jesuits said the giant you explain one nonsensical tone by another and wonder I'm never the wiser sir said the princess if you will permit me to give you a short account of the troubles that have agitated Europe for these last two hundred years on the doctrines of grace free will predestination reprobation justification etc you will be more entertained and will believe less then if I told your Majesty a long story of fairies and goblins you are an eternal Prater said the Emperor and very self-sufficient but talk your fill and upon what subject do you like till tomorrow morning but I swear by the soul of the Holy Georgie who rode to heaven on the town of a magpie as soon as the clock strikes eight you're a dead woman well who was the Jesuit you need janitors to novel doctrines that had sprung up in Germany said khrunova made it necessary for the church to look about her the disciples of Loyola Oh room said the Emperor yawning Ignatius Loyola the founder of the Jesuits reply corner view was a writer of Roman history i suppose interrupted the Emperor what the devil with the Romans to you that you trouble your head so much about them the Empire of and the Church of Rome are two distinct things Seth princess and yet one may say the one depends upon the other as the New Testament depends on the old one destroyed the other and yet pretends to a right to its inheritance the temporalities of the church what's a clock said the imprint of the chief eunuch kara chill be far from it this woman has gossiped at least seven hours do you hear by tomorrow's wife shall be dumb cut her tongue out before you bring her to a bed madam said the eunuch his sublime behind us who's erudition passes the lands of the sea is too well acquainted with all human sciences to require information it is therefore that his exalted wisdom prefers accounts of what never happened to any relation either in history or divinity you lie said the Emperor when they exclude truth I certainly do not mean to forbid divinity how many divinities have you in Europe woman the Council of Trent reply guano he has decided the Emperor began to snore I mean continued gone over yet that notwithstanding or father Paul has asserted God no Paula vicini affirms that in the first three sessions of the council the Emperor was now fast asleep which the princess and the chief eunuch perceiving clucked several pillows upon his face and held them there till he expired as soon as they were convinced he was dead the princess putting on every mark of despair and concern issued to the divan where she was immediately proclaimed Empress the Emperor it was given out had died of then hemorrhoidal clip but to show her regard for his memory her Imperial Majesty to graduate strictly adhere to the Maxim's by which he had governed according there she espoused a new husband every night but dispensed with their telling her stories and was graciously pleased also political behavior to omit the subsequent cution she sent presents to all the learn admin and Asia and they in return did not fail to cry her up as a pattern of clemency wisdom and virtue and though the panegyric so the leonard are generally as clumsy as their fulsome they ventured to lure her that their writings would be as durable as brass and that the memory of her glorious reign would reach to the latest posterity end of a new Arabian Nights entertainment tale to of hieroglyphic tales by horace walpole this LibriVox recording is in the public domain the king and his three daughters tell us formally a king who had three daughters that is he would have had three if he'd had one more but somehow or other the elders never was born she was extremely handsome at a great deal of wit and spoke French imperfection as all the authors of that age affirmed and yet none of them pretend that she ever existed it is very certain that the two other princesses were far from beauties the second had a strong Yorkshire dialect and the youngest had bad teeth in but one leg which occasioned her dancing very ill as it was not probable that His Majesty would have any more children being 87 years two months and 13 days old when his Queen died the states of the kingdom were very anxious to have the princesses married but there was one great obstacle to the settlement though so important to the peace of the kingdom the King insisted that his eldest daughter shall be married first and as there was no such person it was very difficult to fix upon a proper husband for her the courtiers all approved of His Majesty's resolution but asunder the best princes there will always be a number of discontented the nation was torn in two different factions the grumblers or Patriots insisting that the second princess was the eldest and ought to be to create eros apparent to the crown many pamphlets were written pro and con but the ministerial party pretended that the chancellor's argument was unanswerable who affirmed that the second princess could not be the eldest as no princess royal ever had a Yorkshire accent a few persons who were attached to the youngest princess took advantage of this playful whispering that her royal Highness's pretensions to the crown were the best of all for us there was no eldest princess and as the second must be the first if there was no first and as she couldn't be the second if she was the first and as the chance that I have proved that she could not be the first it followed plainly by every idea of law that she could be nobody at all and then the consequence followed of course that the youngest must be the eldest if she had no elder sister it is inconceivable what animosities and Mistress arose from these different titles and each faction endeavour to strengthen itself by foreign alliances the court party having no real object for their attachment with a most attached of all and made up I warmth for the want of foundation in their principles the clergy in general were devoted to this which was styled the first party the physicians embraced the second and the lawyers degrade for the third or the faction of the youngest princess because it seemed the best to calculate to a mid of doubts and endless litigation while the nation was in this distracted situation there arrived the Prince of quivery qui meanie who would have been the most accomplished hero of the age had not been dead and had spoken any language but the Egyptian and had not had three legs notwithstanding these blemishes the eyes of the whole nation were immediately turned upon him and each party wished to see him marriage of the princess whose cause they espoused the old King received him with the most distinguished honors the Senate made the most fulsome addresses to him the princesses were so taken with him that they room more bitter enemies than ever and the court ladies and pretty met invented a thousand new fashions upon his account everything was to be a lark witty criminy both men and women of fashion left off Rouge to look the more cadaverous their clothes were embroidered with hieroglyphics and all the ugly characters they could gather from Egyptian antiquities with which they were forced to be contented it being impossible to learn a language that is lost and all tables chairs stools cabinets and cultures were made with only three legs the last however soon went out of fashion as being very inconvenient the prince who ever since his death had had but a weekly Constitution was a little fatigued with the success of attentions and often wish himself at home in his coffin but his greatest difficulty of always to get rid of the youngest princess who kept hopping after him wherever he went I'm so full of admiration of his three legs and so modest about having but one herself and some Inquisitor to know how his three legs were set on that being the best natured man in the world it went to his heart whenever in a fit of peevishness he happened to drop an impatient word which never failed to throw her into an agony of tears and then she looked so ugly that it was impossible for him to be tolerably civil to her he was not much inclined to the second princess in truth it was the eldest who had made the conquest of his affections and so violently did his passion increase one Tuesday morning that breaking through all Prudential considerations for there were many reasons which ought to have determined his choice in favor of either of the other sisters he hurried to the old king acquainted him with his love and demanded the eldest princess in marriage nothing could equal the joy of the good old Monica he wished for nothing but to live and see the consummation of this match throwing his arms about the Prince skeletons neck and watering his hollow cheeks with long tears he granted his request and added that he would immediately resign his ground to him and his favorite daughter I am forced her want a room to pass over many circumstances that would add greatly to the beauty of this history and I'm sorry I must dash the readers in patients by acquainting him that notwithstanding the eagerness of the old king and youthful ardor of the prince the nuptials were obliged to be postponed the archbishop declaring that it was essentially necessary to have a dispensation from the Pope the parties being related within the forbidden degrees a woman that never was and a man that had been being deemed first cousins in the eye of Canon Law hence arose a new difficulty the religion of the queef Eric we minions was totally opposite to that of the Papists the former believed in nothing but grace and they had a high priest of their own who pretended that he was master of the whole fees simple of grace and by that position caused everything to have been that never had been and could prevent everything that had been from ever having been we have nothing to do said the Prince to the king but to send a solo embassy to the high priest of grace with the present of a hundred and million of ingots and he will cause you're charming no daughter to have been and will prevent my having died and then there'll be no occasion for a dispensation from your old fool at Rome though impious atheistical bag of dry bones cried the old King the star profane our holy religion thou shalt had no daughter of mine dalshe really good skeleton go and be buried and be damned as thou must be for as though I did though at past repentance I would sooner give my child to a baboon there was one league more than thou hast done bestow her on such a reprobate corpse you had better give you one named Infanta to the baboon said the prince they are fitter for one another as much a corpse as I am I am preferable to nobody how did the devil would have married your no daughter but a dead body for my religion I lived and died on it and it's not my power to change it now if I would but for your part a great shot interrupted this dialogue and the captain of the guard rushing into the Royal closet acquainted his Majesty that the second princess in revenge of the princes neglect had given her hand to add rice alter who was a common council man and that the city in consideration of the match had proclaimed them king and queen allowing his majesty to retain the title for his life which they'd fixed for the term of six months and ordering in respect of his royal birth that the Prince should immediately lie in state and have a pompous funeral this revolution was so sudden and so universal that all parties approved or forced to seem to approve it the old King died into the next day as the court has said who join the print server could if he criminy was buried in spite of his appeal to the law of nations and the youngest princess went distracted on my shut up and a madhouse calling our day and night for a husband with three legs end of the king and his three daughters tale three of hieroglyphic tales by horace walpole this LibriVox recording is in the public domain the dice box a fairytale translated from the French translation of the countess de noir for the entertainment of Miss Caroline Campbell there was a merchant of Damascus named Abu kazim who had an only daughter called busy Missy which signifies the waters of Jordan because a ferry foothold at her birth that she will become one of Solomon's combines per se SI lo the angel of death having transported a ball Kasim to the regions of bliss he had no fortune to bequeath to his beloved child but the shell of a pistachio not drawn by an elephant and a ladybird pissy missy who was but nine years old and have been kept in great confinement was impatient to see the world and no sin was the breath out of her father's body then she got into the car and whipping her elephant and Lady Bird drove out of the art as fast as possible without knowing whether she was going her causes never stopped till they came to the foot of a brazen tower that had neither doors no windows in which lived an old enchantress who had locked us of up there with 17,000 husbands it happened one single vent for air which was a small chimney grated over through which was gives possible to put one's hand pissy missy was very impatient what did her causes to fly with her up to the top of the chimney which as there were the most docile creatures in the world they immediately did but unluckily before poor of the elephant alighting on the top of the chimney broke down the great by its weight but at the same time stopped up the passage so entirely that all the Enchantress's husband's was stifled for want of air as it was a collection she had made with great care and cost it is easy to imagine her fixation and rage she raised a storm of thunder and lightning that lasted eight hundred and four years and having conjured up an army of two thousand Devils she ordered them to flay the elephant alive and dress it for her supper with anchovy sauce nothing could have saved the poor beasts of struggling to get loose from the chimney he had not happily broken wind which it seems as a great preservative against Devils they all flew a thousand ways and in their hurry carried away he half the brazen tower by which means the elephant the guard the ladybird and piss amini got loose but in their fall tumbled through the roof of an apothecary shop and broke all his bottles of physic the elephant who was very dry with his fatigue and who had not much taste immediately suck topple the mid sins with his proboscis which occasioned such a variety of effects in his bowels that was well he had such a strong constitution or he must have died of it his evacuations were so plentiful that he not only drowned the Tower of Babel near which the apothecary shop stood but the current trend full score leagues till it came to the sea and they're poisoned so many whales and leviathans that a pestilence ensued and lasted three years nine months and 16 days as the elephant was extremely weakened by what had happened it was impossible for him to draw the car for 18 months which was a cruel delay too pissy misusing patients who during all that time could not travel above a hundred miles a day for as she carried the sick animal in her lap the poor lady bird could not make longest stages with no existence besides pissy missy bought everything's you saw wherever she came and all was crowded into the current stuffed into the seat she had purchased 92 dolls 17 baby houses 6 cartloads of sugarplums a thousand olds of gingerbread 8 dancing dogs a bear and a monkey for toy shops with all their contents and seven dozen of bibs and aprons of the newest fashion they were jogging on with all his cargo over mount caucuses when an immense hummingbird who been struck with the beauty of the ladybugs wings that I had forgot to say were of rubies spotted with black pearls sassing down at once upon her prey swallowed ladybird pissy missy the elephant and all their commodities it happened that the hummingbird belong to Solomon he let it out of its cage every morning after breakfast and it constantly came home by the time the council broke up nothing could equal the surprise of his majesty in the courtiers when the dear little creature arrived but the elephant's proboscis hanging out of its divine little bill however after the first astonishment was over his majesty who to be sure was wisdom itself and who understood natural philosophy that was a charm to hear him discourse of those matters and was actually making a collection of dried beasts and birds in twelve thousand volumes of the best foolscap paper immediately perceived what had happened and taking out of the side pocket of his breeches a diamond tooth big case of his own turning with the toothpick made of the only unicorns horny ever saw he stuck it into the elephants snout and began to draw it out but all his philosophy was confounded when jammed between the elephants name z perceived the head of a beautiful girl between her legs baby house which with the wings extended 30 feet out of the windows of which reigned a torrent of sugarplums that have been placed there to make room then followed the bear who had been pressed into the bales of gingerbread and was covered all over with it and looked at a loosely and the monkey was a doll in a report and his pouches so crammed with sugar plums that they hung on each side of him and trailed on the ground behind like the Duchess of blanks beautiful breasts Solomon however gave a small attention to this procession being caught with the charms of the lovely pissy missy he immediately began the song of songs extemporary and what he had seen I mean all that came out of the hummingbirds throat had made such a jumble in his ideas was nothing so unlike to which he did not compare all pissy minis beauties as he sang his canticles true to no tune when God knows had but a bad voice tell her far from comforting because he Missy the elephant had told her best bourbon apron and he cried and roared and kept such a schooling that there Solomon carried her in his arms and show to all the fine things in the temple there was no pacifying her the Queen of Sheba who was playing at backgammon with the high priest who came every October to converse with Solomon that she did not understand a word of Hebrew hearing the noise came running out of her dressing room and seeing the king with a squalling child in his arms asked him peevishly if it became his reputed wisdom to expose himself with his bastards to all the court Solomon instead of replying kept singing we have a little sister and she has no breasts so provoked seibon princess that happening to have one of the dice boxes in her hand she without any ceremony threw it at his head The Enchantress whom I mentioned before and who though invisible had followed Cosima sea and drawn her into her train of misfortunes turned the dice box aside and directed it to pc mrs. knows which being something flat like Madame de Blanc it's tucked there and being of ivory Solomon ever after compared his beloved's nose to the tower that needs to Damascus between though ashamed of her behavior was not in her heart sorry for the accident but when she found that it only increased the Monarchs passion her contempt redoubled and calling him a thousand old fools to herself she ordered her post chaise and drove away in a fury without leaving sixpence for the servants and nobody knows what became of her or her kingdom which has never been heard of since end of the dice box a fairy tale tale for of hieroglyphic tales by horace walpole this LibriVox recording is in the public domain tell for the pitch in brandy am Elysian tail note this tale was written for an liddell countess of ossory wife of John Fitzpatrick girl of ossory they had a daughter and the subject of the story fits can the megillah padruig king of Kilkenny the thousand 57th descendant in a direct line from an easy as king of spain footnote vday lodges peerage of ireland in the family of Fitzpatrick in footnote her only daughter called great a and by corruption greater her being arrived at years of discretion and perfectly initiated by her royal parents in the arts of government the fond monarch determined to resign his crown to her having accordingly assembled the Senate he declared his resolution to them and having delivered his scepter into the princess's handy obliged her to ascend the throne and to set the example was the first to kiss her hand and vow eternal obedience to her the Senators were ready to stifle the new queen with pennard directs and addresses the people that I adored the old King were transported with having a new sovereign in the University according to custom ii memorial presented her Majesty three months after everybody else had forgotten the event with testimonials of the excess of sorrow and excessive joi they felt on losing one month in getting another her Majesty was now in the fifth year of her age and a prodigy of sense and goodness in her first speech to the Senate which he lisped with inimitable grace she assured them that her heart was entirely Irish footnote Queen Anne in her first speech to the Parliament said her heart was entirely English and footnote and that she did not intend any longer to go in leading strings as a proof of which she immediately declared her nurse Prime Minister the Senate applauded this sage choice with even greater in chromium than the last and voted a free gift to the queen of a minion of sugar plums and to the favourite of 20,000 bubbles of Oscar wall Her Majesty then jumping from her throne declared it was her royal pleasure to play at blind man's buff but such a hubbub arose from the Senators pushing and pressing and squeezing and punching one another to endeavour to be the first blinded that in the scuffle Her Majesty was thrown down and got a bump on a as big as a pigeon's egg which said her as squalling that you might have heard her in Tipperary the old King sue into a rage and snatching up the maze knocked out the Chancellor's brains who at that time happened not to have any and the Queen Mother who sat in a Tribune above to see the ceremony fell into a fit and miscarried of twins who were killed by Her Majesty's fried footnote lady ossory had miscarried just then of two sons and a footnote but the Earl of below boo great Butler of the crown happening to stand next to the Queen catched up one of the dear children and perceiving it was a boy ran down to the king and wished him joy of the birth of a son and heir would note the housekeeper as soon as the Doceri came home wished him joy of a son and heir they both the children were born dead end of footnote the king who had now recovered his sweet timber called him a fool and blunderer upon which mr. feller mode torture a zealous cordia started up with great presence of mind and accused the Earl of bull Abu of high treason for having a certain that his late Majesty I'd had any other air than their present most lawful and most religious sovereign Queen greater an impeachment was voted by a large majority though not without warm opposition particularly from a celebrated cook any enora to his name is unfortunately not come down to us it being erased out of the journals afterwards it's the Irish author whom I copy says when he became First Lord of the Treasury as he was during the whole reign of Queen graters successor the argument of this mr. Kim Oracle says my author whose name is lost was that Her Majesty the Queen Mother having conceived a son before the King's resignation that son was indubitably heir to the crown and consequently the resignation void it not signifying an iota whether the child was born alive or dead it was alive said he when it was conceived here he was called to order by dr. O'Flaherty the Queen Mother's man Midwife and member for the borough of core belly who entered into a learner dissertation on embryos but he was interrupted by the young Queens crying for his supper the previous question for which was carried without a negative and then the house being resumed the debate was cut short by the impatiens of the majority to go and drink Her Majesty's health this seeming violence gave occasion to a very long protest drawn up by sriracha max sarcasm in which you can try to state the claim of the departed feet is so artfully that produced a civil war and gave rise to those bloody ravages and massacres which so long laid waste the ancient kingdom of Kilkenny and which were at last terminated by a lucky accident well known says my order to everybody but what do you thinks it is duty to relate for the sake of those who never may have heard of it these are his words it happened that the archbishop of Torme ain't Randy called mayim by the Roman Catholic clergy the great width of those times was in the queen mother's closet who had the young Queen in her lap foot now some commentators have ignorant Lee supposed that the Irish author is guilty of a great anachronism in this passage for having said that the contestants accession occasion long wars he yet speaks of Queen greater at the conclusion of the mall is still sitting in her mother's lap as a child now I can compute them from their own state of the question like a child does not import that she actually was a child she only SAT like a child and so she might though 30 years old civilians have declared at what period of his life a king may be of age before years but either grotius nor puffin dolphin or any of the tribe have determined how long a king or queen may remain infants after their past their infancy and foot now his grace was suddenly seized with a violent fit of the colleague which made him make such wry faces of the queen mother thought he was going to die and ran out of the room to send for a physician for she was a pattern of goodness and void of pride while she was stepped into the servants Hall to call somebody according to the simplicity of those times the Archbishop's pains increased when deceiving something on the mantelpiece which he took for a peach in brandy he topped it all down at once without saying grace God forgive him and found great comfort in it he had not done licking his lips before the Queen Mother returned when Queen greater pride out haha Omar the gentleman has it my little brother this fortunate event put an end to the contest the male line entirely failing and the person of the devoured Prince the archbishop however he became Pope by the name of innocent the third having afterwards the Sun by his sister named the child Fitzpatrick as having some of the royal blood in its veins and from him I descended all the younger branches of the Fitzpatrick's of our time now the rest of the acts of Greater and all that she did are not written in the book of The Chronicles of the kings of Kilkenny end of the pitch in brandy am Elysian tail l5 of hieroglyphic tales by Horace Walpole this LibriVox recordings in public domain tera five mil I a Chinese fairy tale me lie Prince of China was brought up by his godmother the fairy he it was famous for telling fortunes with the teacup from that unerring Oracle's she assured him that he would be the most unhappy man alive unless he married a princess his name was the same with her father's dominions that's in all probability there could not be above one person in the world to whom that accident had happened the Prince thought there would be nothing so easiest to learn who his destined bride was he'd been too well educated to put the question to his godmother for he knew when she uttered an Oracle that it was with intention to perplex not to inform which has made people so fond of consulting all those who do not give an explicit answer such as prophets lawyers and anybody who meet on the road who if you asked the way reply by desiring to know whence you came meal I was no sooner returned to his palace and his sent to his governor who was deaf and dumb qualities for which the ferry had selected him that he might not instill any bad principles into his pupil however in recompense he could talk upon his fingers like an angel meal I asked him directly who the princess was his name was the same as her father's kingdom this was a little exaggeration in the prince but nobody ever repeats anything just as they heard it besides it was excusable in the air of a great monarchy who of all things had not been taught to speak truth and perhaps had never heard what it was still it was not the mistake of kingdom for dominions that puzzled the governor it never helped him to understand in the bed of her it's being rightly stated however as he had great presence of mind which consisted in never giving a direct answer and in looking as if he called he replied is too great importance to be resolved on a sudden how came you to know that said the prince this youthful impetuosity told the governor does it was something more in the question than he had apprehended and though he could be very solemn about nothing he was 10 times more so when there was something he did not comprehend yet that unknown something occasioning a conflict between his cunning and his ignorance and the latter being the greater always betrayed itself for loving looks as silly as a full acting wisdom the prince repeated his question the governor demanded why he asked the prince had not the patience to spell the question ever again and his fingers but balled it as loud as he could to no purpose the Correa's ran in and catching up the princes words and repeating them imperfectly it soon flew all over Peking and thence into the provinces and then sent at artery and thence to muscovy and so on that the prince wanted to know who the princess was whose name was the same as her father's as the Chinese have not the blessing for aught I know of having family surnames as we have and as what would be their Christian names if they were so happy as to be Christians are quite different for men and women the Chinese who think that must be a rule all over the world because it is theirs decided that there could not exist upon the square face of the earth a woman his name was the same as her father's they repeated this so often and with so much difference in summit obstinacy that the Prince totally forgetting the original Oracle believed that he wanted to know who the woman was who had the same name as her father how that remembering there was something in the question that he had taken for royal he always said the King her father the Prime Minister consulted the red book or court calendar which was his Oracle and could find no such princess all the ministers at foreign courts were instructed to inform themselves that there was any such lady but as it took up a great deal of time to put these instructions in decipher the princess impatience could not wait for the courier's setting up but he determined to go himself in search of the princess the old king who as as usual had left the whole management of affairs to his son the moment he was fourteen was charmed with the princes resolution of seeing the world which he thought could be done in a few days the facility of which makes so many monarchs never started their own palaces till it it's too late and His Majesty declared that he should approve of his son's choice be the lady who she would provided she answered to the divine designation of having the same name as her father the Prince Road posts to Canton intending to embark there on board an English man-of-war with what infinite transport did he hear the evening before he was to embark to sail in New the identical ad in question the Prince called it his mouth was it he he was drinking Brooke the old china cup it was in in which the Queen his mother had given him at his departure from Peking and which had been given to her great great great great grandmother Queen phi by confucius himself and ran down to the vessel and asked for the man who knew his bride it was honest Tom mobile an Irish sailor who buys interpreted mr. James Hall the supercargo informed his highness that mr. Bob Oliver of sligo had a daughter christened of both his name's the fair miss Bob Oliver footnote there really was such a person the prints by the plenitude of his power declared Tom and Mandarin of the first class and at Toms desire promised to speak to his brother the King of Great Ireland France and Britain to have him made appear in his own country Tom saying he should be ashamed to appear there without being a lord as well as all his acquaintances the princes passion which was greatly inflamed by Tom's description of her Highness Bob's charms would not let him stay for a proper set of ladies from Peking to carry to wait on his bride so we took a dozen of the wives of the first merchants in Canton and two dozen virgins as maids of honor who however were disqualified for their employments before his highness got to santolina Tom himself married one of them but was so great a favourite with the prince that he was still appointed maid of honor and with Tom's consent was afterwards married to an English Duke nothing campaigned the agonies of our royal lover went on his landing a Dublin he was informed that princess Bob had quitted Ireland and was married to nobody knew whom it was well for Tom that he was on Irish ground you would have been shocked as small as rice for his deaths in China to mislead the heir of the crown through ignorance to do it knowingly is no crime any more than another countries as a prince of China cannot marry a woman that has been married before it was necessary for me lied to search the world for another lady equally qualified with Miss Bob whom he forgot the moment he was told he must marry somebody else and fell equally in love with somebody else though he knew not with whom in this suspense he dreamt that he would find his distant spouse whose father had lost the Dominions which never had been his Dominion's in a place where there was a bridge over no water a tomb when nobody ever was buried and whoever would be buried ruins that were more than they had ever been the subterraneous passage in which there were dogs with eyes of rubies and emeralds and the more beautiful menagerie of Chinese pheasants than any in his father's extensive gardens this Oracle seemed to be so impossible to be accomplished that he believed it more than he had done the first which showed his great piety he determined to begin his second search and been told by the Lord Lieutenant that it was in England a mr. banks but note the gentleman who discovered Oh Tahiti in company with dr. cylinder into footnote who was going all over the world in search of he did not know what His Highness thought he could not have a better conductor and sailed for England there he learned that the sage banks was at Oxford hunting in the bodleian library for a manuscript voyage of a man who had been in the moon which mr. banks thought must have been in the western ocean with the moon sets at which planet if he could discover once more he would take possession of in his Majesty's name upon condition that it'll never be taxed and so be lost again to this country like the rest of his Majesty's dominions in that part of the world meal i took a hired post chairs for Oxford but as it was a little rotten it broke on the new road down to Henley a bigger advised him to walk into general conway's who was the most courteous person alive and would suddenly lend him his own chase the Prince travelled in cog he took the beggars advice but going up to the house was told the family were in the grounds but he shall be conducted to them he was led through a venerable would have beaches to a menagerie commanding a more glorious prospect than any in his father's dominions and full of chinese pheasants put no lady Ellsbury's the prince cried out in ecstasy Oh potent he bade dream begins to be accomplished the gardener who knew no Chinese but the names of a few plants was struck with the similitude of the sons but discreetly said not a word not finding his lady there as he expected he turned back and plunging suddenly into the thickest gloom of the wood he descended into a cavern totally dark the intrepid prints following him boldly after advancing a great way into this subterraneous fault at last they perceived light when on a sudden they were pursued by several small spaniels and turning to look at them the prince perceived their eyes Sean like emeralds and rubies footnote at park place there is such a passage cut through a chalk hill when dogs are in the middle the light from the mouth makes their eyes appear in the manner he described in the wood note instead of being amazed as far I the founder of his race would have been the Prince renewed his exclamations and cried I advance I advance I shall find my bride great he died white even fell ball emerging into light the import coal into the gardener a very grave person conducted his highness to heap of artificial ruins footnote consequently they seemed to have been larger beneath which they found a spacious gallery or arcade where his highness was asked if he would not repose himself but instead of answering he catered like one frantic crying at advanced I Fred's great he i advanced the gardener was amazed and data whether he was not conducting a mapping to his master and Lady and hesitated whether you shall proceed but as he understood nothing the prince said and perceiving him must be a foreigner he concluded he was a Frenchman by his dancing as a stranger to was so nimble and not at all tired with his walk the sage Gardner proceeded down a sloping valley between two mountains close to their summits with Cedars furs and Pines which she took care to tell the prints were all of his honor the generals own planting but though the prince had learned more English in three days at ireland's and all the French in the world ever learned him three years he took no notice of the information to the great offense of the gardener but kept running on and increased his Gamble's and exclamations when he perceived the veil was terminated by a stupendous bridge that seemed composed of the rocks which the Giants through a Jupiter's head and had not a drop of water beneath it footnote the rustic Bridget / place was built by General Conway to carry the road from Hindley and to leave the communication free between his grounds and each side of the road bday at last page of the fourth volume of anecdotes of painting into footnote where is my bride my bride cried me late husband near the princess's shouts and cries to a matron from a cottage that stood on a precipice near the bridge and hung over the river my lady is download forward house cried the good woman who was the little deaf concluding that they had called her to know putting out the old woman who kept the cottage built by general Conway to command a glorious prospect Ford house is a farmhouse of the termination of the grounds in the footnote the gardener knew it was in vain to explained his distress to her and thought that if the poor gentleman was really mad his master the general would be the properest person to know how to manage him accordingly turning to the left he led the Prince along the banks of the river which glittered through the opening fellows while on the other hand a wilderness of shrubs climbed up the pendant cliffs of chalk in contrast to put the verdant Medes and fields of corn beyond the stream the Prince insensible to such enchanting scenes galloped wildly along keeping the poor gardener on a round trot till I was stopped by a lonely tomb surrounded by cypress use and willows it seemed the monument of some adventurous youth who had been lost in tempting the current and might have suited the gallant and daring Leander footnote a fictitious to him in a beautiful spot by the river built for a point of view it has a small pyramid on it end of footnote hear me life first had presence of mind to regulate the little English he knew and eagerly asked the gardener whose tomb he beheld before him it is nobody's before he could proceed to the Prince interrupted him and will it never be anybody's uh-huh sought the gardener now there is no longer any doubt of his frenzy and perceiving his master in the family approaching towards them he endeavored to get the start but the prince much younger and born to on the wings of love set up full speed the moment he saw the company and particularly a young damsel with them running almost breathless up to lady Ellsbury in seizing miss Campbell's hand he cried who she who she lady aylesbury screamed the young maiden squalled the general cool but offended rushed between them and if a prince could be collared would have collared him mill I kept fast hold with one arm but pointing to his prize with the other and with the most egrants supplicating looks and treating for an answer continued to exclaim who she who she the general perceiving by his accent and manner that he was a foreigner and rather tempted to laughs and be angry replied with civils gone why she is Miss Caroline Campbell daughter of Lord William Campbell his majesty's late governor of carolina oh hey I now recollect thy words cried me lie and so she became princess of China end of me lie a Chinese fairy tale tale 6 of hieroglyphic tells by horace walpole this LibriVox recording is in the public domain a true love story in the height of the animosities between the factions of the Guelph's and Ghibellines a party of Venetians had met an inroad into the territories of the Visconti's sovereigns of Milan and had carried off the young era Dottie's then at a nurse his family were at that time under a cloud though they could boast being descended from Candace scaliger Lord of Verona the captors sold the beautiful or entities to a rich widow of the noble family of Grimaldi who having no children brought him up with as much tenderness as if he had been her son her fondness increased with the growth of his stature and trans and the violence of his passions were augmented by the signora grimaldi's indulgence is it necessary to say that love reigned predominantly in the soul of Iran daddy's or is it in a city like Venice a forum like that of Oren Dottie's met with little resistance de Cyprien queen not content with the numerous ablations of errand out who's on her alters was not satisfied while his heart remained unengaged across the canal over against the palace of Grimaldi stood a convent of Carmelite nuns the Abbess of which had a young f and slave of the most exquisite beauty called Essaouira a year younger than Erin daddy's jet and Japan were horny and without lustre when compared to the hue of ozora Afric never produced a female so perfect as ozora as Europe could boast about one or on Daddy's the senior agree malady though no bigot was pretty regular at her devotions but as Lance Qin it was more to her taste than praying she hurried over her masses as fast as she could to a lot more of her precious time to cons this made her prefer the Church of the Carmelites separated only by a small bridge though the Abbess was of a contrary faction however as both ladies were of equal quality and had had no altercations that would countenance in civility reciprocal curtsies always passed between them the coldness of which each pretended to lay on their attention to their devotions though the senior agree malady attended but little to the priest and the Abbess was chiefly employed in watching and criticizing the inner tension of the signora not so Arundhati Zanda Zorro both constantly accompanied their mistresses Tomas and the first moment they saw each other was decisive in both breasts then a ceased to have more than one fear in the eyes of Orin Dottie's and as sora had not remarked till then that there could be more beautiful beings in the world and some of the Carmelite nuns the seclusion of the Abbess and the aversion between the two ladies which was very cordial on the side of the Holy One cut off all hopes from the lovers azuro grew grave and pensive and melancholy or and Artie's surly and intractable even his attachment to his kind patroness relaxed he attended her luck tantly but a the hours of Prayer often did she find him on the steps of the church other doors were opened the signora Grimaldi was not act to make observations she was content with indulging her own passions seldom restrained those of others and though good officers rarely presented themselves to her imagination she was ready to exert them when applied to and always taught charitably of the unhappy at her cards if it was not a very unlucky deal still it is probable that she never would have discovered the passion of our own daddy's had not her woman he was jealous of his favor given her a hint at the same time remarking under affectation of goodwill how well the circumstances of the lovers was suited and that the lady was in years and would certainly not think of providing for a creature she had bought in the public market it would be charitable to marry the fond couple and settle them on her farm in the country fortunately Madame Grimaldi always was open to good impressions and really too bad without perceiving the malice of her woman she was struck with the idea of a marriage she loved the cause and always promoted at when it was honestly in her power she seldom made difficulties and never apprehended them without even examining Orin Dottie's on the state of his inclinations without recollecting that Madame Capello and she were of different parties without taking any precautions to guard against her refusal she instantly wrote to the Abbess to propose a marriage between Iran Dottie's and ozora the latter was in Madame and cabelas chamber when the note arrived all the fury that authority loves to console itself with for being under restraint all the asperity of a bigot or the acrimony of party and all the fictitious rage the prudery adopts when the central enjoyments of other concerned burst out on the helpless ozora he was unable to divine how she was concerned in the fatal letter she was made to endure all the calumnies of the Abbess would have been glad to have held at the head of Madame Grimaldi if her own character and the rank of that offender would have allowed it impotent menaces of revenge were repeated with emphasis and as nobody in the convent dared to contradict her she gratified her anger and love of prating with endless tautologies infin a Zora was be locked up and bread and water were ordered as sovereign cures for love 20 replies to Madame Grimaldi were written and torn as not sufficiently expressive of a resentment that was rather vociferous than eloquent and her confessor was at last forced to write one in which he prevailed to have some holy Kent inserted though forced to compound for a heap of irony that related to the antiquity of her family and for many unintelligible allusions to vulgar stories which the Ghibellines party had treasured up against the Guelph's the most lucid part of the Epistle pronounced the sentence of eternal chastity on ozora not without some sarcastic expressions against the promiscuous and mores of our entities which ought in common decorum to have banished him long ago from the mansion of a widowed matron just as this full military man data been transcribed and signed by the lady abbess in full chapter and had been consigned to the confessor to deliver the portress of the convent came running out of breath and announced to the venerable assembly that ozora terrified by the abbess's blows and threats had fallen in labor and miscarried of four puppies for be it known to all posterity the ruined artists was an Italian Greyhound and disuruh a black spaniel end of a true love story postscript of hieroglyphic tales for Horace Walpole this LibriVox recording is in the public domain the foregoing tales are given for no more than they're worth they're mere whimsical trifles written cheery for private entertainment and for private amusement half a dozen copies only are printed they deserve at most to be considered as an attempt to vary the stale and beaten class of stories and novels which the works of invention are almost always devoid of imagination it would scarcely be credited were it not evident from the bibliothèque day hormone which contains the fictitious adventures that have been written in all ages and all countries that there should have been so little fancies a little variety and so little novelty in writings in which the imagination is fettered by no rules and by no obligation of speaking truth there is infinitely more invention in history which has no merit if devoid of truth then in romances and novelty which pretend to none finis into postscript end of horrific tales by Horace Walpole

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