Interview with Dr. Robert Glover, Best-Selling Author: Dating Essentials for Men…

welcome to dating advice for men who love women I'm Jim wolf and I'm really excited to have dr. Robert Glover with us to talk about his new book dating essentials for men today and I've actually been a fan of dr. Glover's for over a decade now and he's also the author of the best-selling book no more mr. nice guy you've probably heard of him before because of that and he is an internationally recognized expert on nice guy syndrome so dr. Glover welcome to the show Jim good to be here gonna be back with you again absolutely so correct me if I'm wrong but I think your last book came out all the way back in 2003 is that right you nailed it yeah no more mr. nice guy originally came out it kind of came out and two or three spurts that it came out as an e-book right around the turn of the century then Barnes and Noble picked up a contract to put it out as a print book and that came out early 2003 so yeah I went about 16 or so years in between books must much to my agents chagrin they kept Robert wouldn't you buy another book your book selling well you need to write another book Robert so yeah that's actually my first question why did you decide to write and publish this new book dating essentials for men right now and what's different about this one from your last one well I'll start with what's different about it when I was when I wrote no more mr. nice guy I was married and at that point in my life I never really dated even though I had been married twice and I was terrible at it but I welcome back to that and so when I wrote no more mr. nice yeah well really both books came out of kind of the same thing ie I was struggling so things weren't working well for me and I went looking for answers so with no more mr. nice guy I was struggling in my relationship with my then second wife and things weren't working well she wasn't responding well to me being a nice guy and I didn't understand why so she told me I needed to go to therapy because I wasn't so nice so I did and luckily started getting some good information like around boundaries and self-care things like that and that started noticing a lot of other guys out there were just like me I was a therapist couples therapist working with men and women and guys were coming in a couples therapy st. the same thing I was I'm a nice guy I treat her well I'm better than her eggs I I'm raising her kids and I give and but she's never happy and it's never good enough she never wants to have sex anymore so um I started a nice guy group with these guys and then I started just kind of writing chapters and giving to them and they said you need to write a book and you need to go on Oprah and over a period of about six years it kind of turned into a book and then took about three more years to get that published so no more mr. nice guy came out of my own personal struggles primarily in relationship well when that relationship ended in 2002-2003 right as no more mr. nice guy was coming out you know I was out in the single world of my late 40s you know really for the first time since college and like I said I was terrible at dating in college and I wouldn't call it dating I you know the term I would use is I call it nice guy seduction you know what I wouldn't I wouldn't really ever ask a woman out that's dating but I I would like if I kind of liked a woman how she looked or whatever you know I might try to sit by her in class maybe try to impress her by knowing you know the answer to questions the professor asked might you know a multi R to help reduce something might listen to her talk about something and then you know maybe get around to saying well I don't I guess you'd want to go out with me sometime would you I usually wait till the very last minute if I did do that and you know usually they had something else going on like they were washing their hair that night or something so you know I heard that a lot and so you know if I did get a woman I I hung on to them and stuck around way too long and you know my two first wives I was married to the two of them for a total of 25 years and both were good people but I should not have dated either one of them more than three dates but you know so here's a total of maybe six dates between them tops and I'm married to the two of them for 25 years so when I had divorced second time III thought okay well I want to do it different this time I there's no reason to get out of this relationship if I'm just gonna go out and create another one just like it and so a couple of things I realized I had to become a better picker and I to become a better ender now dating is about actually making a lot of bad picks you know you're gonna you're gonna go out a lot of women and hopefully you figure out on the first date yeah you know no not so much and you know guys will tell me you know III don't get past the first date I got a lot of one and dumbs I don't go okay you're doing it right you should have a lot of one and Duns dating is a process of figuring out who you don't want to go out with even more than it is who do you want to go out with and if you have to become a good ender and and I've always said being a good ender can cover a multitude of sins of if you're a bad picker you know if you did figure out quickly all right this is not a good choice I need to end it sooner rather than later and so I I worked on that I worked on becoming a better picker and a better ender but but probably the two biggest things I worked on looking back on it is I worked at becoming a social animal I wouldn't have called it then but I work at just getting out beat around people practicing my social skills practicing interacting you know I'd go to happy hour and eat my dinner at the bar talk to the bartender talk to the people around me I take my laptop go to coffee shops to do my work I interact with the people around me and I started doing some online dating I did some speed dating started taking salsa dancing just started doing things to get me out and practice skills I had no idea how to know when to approach a woman how to know how you know if she was in a relationship how to ask for a phone number now at this time a lot of dating material was starting to come out probably most of it fairly pickup based you know David DeAngelo had his double the your dating type programs the the game came out you know I a lot of my clients gave me books and DVDs and VHS is so I was just reading stuff and what I found is that most of it was crap but almost in everything I got at least one good idea or one good idea and not so much like a lying or something but but more of an attitude or something to practice or to try and while I was doing that it's just kind of practicing trying just I went out I tell people it's like a mad scientist I just went out started experimenting they're trying to get women to like me or trying to get them to go on a date with me I was out trying to figure out what worked and what didn't work in terms of interacting with women and I'm in that process another thing as I look back on it and I write a lot about this in dating essentials for men is that I was also working on my self limiting beliefs my beliefs about myself about women the world sex that got in my way of me having success in terms of meeting great women having lots of sex having good relationships and that that was you know that was a very conscious process of challenging those self-limiting beliefs and for example I think these are pretty common with a lot of guys especially guys that that I call bad daters one self-limiting belief is that women are not attracted to me or especially attractive women are not attracted to me and because I believed that to be true if a woman I deemed to be attractive seemed to be you know paying attention to me or show me you know hi indicators of interest I I would ignore them yeah that can't be about me I'm reading it wrong I don't want to look foolish oh she's not really making eye contact with me she must be looking at somebody behind me you know my brain just wouldn't believe so I started challenging those self-limiting beliefs another self limiting belief I had is that women didn't like sex and thought men who wanted sex were bad so that's why I was founded i was hid my sexual agenda from women went really slow you know tried to be different than those other guys that only wanted sex that kind of thing and and as long as you've got a self-limiting belief that women don't like sex and think men who want sex are bad you're probably not gonna get laid very much and you're gonna you're gonna create self-fulfilling loops around those self-limiting beliefs so I challenged those as well so you know this was really kind of a therapeutic process learning to date and now kind of my my theme is is it you know to date isn't so much learning to date it's learning to challenge all the in your head and learning how to become a social animal which then seems to have a really big impact on all the rest of your life as well and what I did find is when I got good at dating getting good at you know getting women and getting laid every other part of my life seemed to be getting better at the same time my my business got better my income went up more opportunities came my way more adventures and and so to kind of get back to answering your question guys that were like my clients were saying Robert what are you doing you're having success of this you're you're you're you're getting women you're getting laid teach us and I so on I'm not a dating guru I mean you know again a self-limiting belief I suck I suck at dating so I put together one day workshop called the dating essentials for men the guys that came loved the material it's easy to go out and apply they went out applied it hey Robert this works I'm having success so I then turned it into a series of four four online classes that I taught for about ten years at my universe in my online university called dating essentials for men and and I decided hey I I need to convert this into a book I also then converted into a bonus bundle with this a lot of other material with recorded q and A's and a tizzy encyclopedia workbook and so finally made my agent happy you know gave him a book and he said let's get it up as an e-book and then we'll shop it around so we launched it it it went up to number five and dating even before is available for download pushing no more mr. nice guy which is right now today at number five in dating on Amazon which is weird because I had no clue how to date when I wrote it but it's its perennial way up there in the top ten on the dating category so um as you and I were talking my agent just contacted me a few days ago they got a contract I signed today to do a recorded version of it and hopefully we got a print version that will be coming up soon so that's kind of a long story of the two books and the short version is both of them are the story of me bumping into challenges of things that weren't working and me going to look for answers and my tendency is when I start finding answers I'm kind of a teacher by nature so I start I start teaching people whether in writing or in classes or workshops and so that's how both books came about that's excellent and I don't know about you but I definitely find that I definitely remember more things if I teach something and that's one of the reasons I do it besides just wanting to help people so I think that's great and I actually downloaded dating essentials for men last week I picked it up on Amazon as well and what I really like about it is it's broken down into two sections and the first section is about kind of getting your mind right and then the second section is all about kind of dating tactic so I think that's a really really good way to lay it out and I'm curious about this because it's one of the most interesting things that's in your book that I haven't seen in any other books and in our last conversation we also talked about it you mentioned it a couple of times and that is the concept of being a bad Inder I was gonna save this for kind of the end of the conversation but since you already brought it up I want to go a little deeper into that because it's really interesting to me so what does it mean to be a bad ender you talked about you being a bad ender and then in your book you talk about how to be a good endure so can you talk about what being a bad ender means and how you can be a good ender all right good question I yeah that's one of those things you know like in debating in both the class and the book do I save this for the very last chapter of the book on logic but maybe it needs to actually be the first chapter of the book you know and so I'm glad you're bringing it up right away so in the big picture of things one of the realizations I've come to just in life in general I'm 63 you know I've had a lot of experiences in life and you know I bumbled my way through a lot of things in life and if as I look back on most of the difficult or painful or didn't go so well things in my life almost all of them would have taken a radically different path and I expect my life might have taken a radically different path if I had knew how to end things in a very timely conscious way and I think this is true for all areas of life it really tends to show up for me in a relationship like I said being married for 25 years to two women you know should have been six weeks between the two of them maybe six dates I mean that's a pretty graphic illustration of a bad ending and in the midst of being a bad ender saying those two relationships along the way it means I tolerated a lot of bad behavior tolerated a lot of things I shouldn't have tolerated I'm sure I acted badly because of resentments that buildup and frustrations and passive-aggressive behavior it also led to acting out on my part so where I did hurtful things to the people I was with and both of them ended badly now both women actually you know talk to me now but after both marriages ended neither those two women wanted to talk to me for a long time and because because I was a bad injury I mean I'll take all the blame on it and I when I went out into the dating world and started being very conscious of that of thinking okay if I talk to a woman once in public and even she gives me a number I'm gonna ask myself do I do I really want to invest the time and energy to go on a date with her and if the answer is no it was just good practice to get her number I don't text her I don't call her it has been a good ender I end it right there right and or if I went on a date I learned very quickly do not go on nice expensive dates with women on the first date you know go do something casual go go get a coffee maybe a you know wine at a happy hour take a walk in the park whatever and just spend some time just hanging out with them you know are the issue a cool chick you enjoy the time together and she interesting and as I said most of those should end that should be the last time you see the person just a one-and-done date and because you're asking you know I see a cool chick they said do I want to see her again because you're not trying to get her to like you you're not trying to figure out how to impress or you're not trying to get her to be your girlfriend you're not trying to get her naked you're just trying to figure out who is she do I like her god I can't around her what's their nature and you're the decider there and if after one date you just you know you're not feeling it you don't see any potential there yeah and it you don't call her back you don't ask her out for another date or let's say you do go two or three dates with a woman or maybe even have sex with her if you realize wait a minute we're going down a path that you know at some point it's not gonna end well it's better to end it sooner rather than later and I started practicing that and the best way I knew it's time to end is my anxiety level started going up I I joked about that if I when I started breaking out with fever blisters around my lips it was time I called him Brit and I called him breakup blisters it was time to it you know so that was my cut my kind of clue cuz again it's not a skill set that comes naturally for me part of that ties into kind of my nice guy stuff you know I don't want to upset people I don't want to rock the boat don't hurt anybody but in looking at it and working with a lot of guys I actually think there's you know the whole being a good end or especially with women I think there's a lot that goes into it I I actually think maybe there's an evolutionary reason why men don't end well and an evolutionary reason why women tend to not get broken up with well why they tend to react intensely if you do break up with them and because I think the evolutionary thing is it for you know million 1/2 two million years we were tribal and you know the men were the hunters the gatherers the warriors the providers the protectors and you know it was our job you know take care of the tribe and of course that was the women and children so now like if you're breaking up with a woman it almost feels like you're you know throwing her out to the wild dogs and she's gonna starve to death or get eaten alive if it feels that way like we're doing something terrible after two dates we break up with a woman and again women often have a pretty intense reaction to getting broken up with as if they are being thrown to the wild dogs and they're gonna either starve to death or get eaten and and so we we kind of avoid that because we don't we it's such a strong emotional visceral feeling inside now I think there's another piece as may be developed culturally that I think the Golden Rule from for many many men nowadays especially guys that tend to be nice guys and the golden rules don't do anything to piss off a woman and if you think if you think breaking up with a woman might in some way piss her off we avoid doing that and here's the thing by avoid doing what we need to do we're not being very loving we're not being very masculine not being very conscious were being just kind of scared little wussy boys and and that's really what tends to end up pissing women off in the long run and you know I I had an experience after I got practiced at being a better ender and and this experience was a few years into my dating life and and you know I probably was single you know I would not have relationships but over a period of about 12 to 15 years before I met my my current wife and married her almost three years ago now I lived alone most of that the majority of that time and I had a few relationships and dated quite a bit to kind of different phases of the dating but one one year few years ago in December around the holidays and my birthday's in December five women who had I've been in a relationship with four of whom I've broken up with one I can't say we really broke up she just never got all the way in and decided to give her ex-boyfriend another chance so five women that I've been involved with at least for who I had consciously broken up with contacted me called me up emailed whatever and just to wish me happy birthday happy holidays and all wanted to meet up with me you know hey wanna get a drink wanna get a coffee one of you know I got several different offers oh here's five women you know all of them I bent the relationship with all still thought I was a good guy and all still you know had good thoughts about me and then during that time went to a holiday buffet my stepkids in a town that I didn't live in um you know it was 45 minutes away from where I lived and a woman there who I had dated for a while saw me there walked across the room told me her name again you remember me he said I saw you yeah I just want to come say hi to you how you doing blah blah blah you know say he was a sixth woman that I'd dated I'd broken up with her as well and I'd probably dated her as much or longer than most of these other five that and so you're a sixth woman that we're all still thought I was a nice guy not a nice guy but a good guy decent human being you know thought well of me and I give complete credit of that because I ended the relationships well I ended them in a timely loving direct manner no no making up stories no you know no no not calling them back no cheating on them just saying hey this isn't working you know you need to be with someone that thinks you're amazing I need to be someone I think it's amazing and you know wish you the best and so that really really really made a difference in my life in terms of relationship and the damage collateral damage I left behind and it also again I noticed in every other area of my life when I learned to say no or not it's time to you know pull the plug on this you know kind of no one you know when to hold them no one when to fold em know when to walk away that's really a skill set required for success in every endeavor in life and I think the if you look around you look at really successful people they know when it's time to walk away from things they know when alright this is as far as it goes it's time to call it call it quits and you know go dive into something else so yeah I'm glad you asked that question because it is such an important life skill it's one that still still doesn't come really easily for me you know I've you know I've got an employee that I've thought a number of times about firing him and but but I like him and and actually you know and in in recently last year or so he's showing up and doing the really good job I knew he could do but you know yeah I probably should have fired him you know three years ago it's just not my strength but I I dunno you know it'll bite you on the ass if you don't do it well yeah and what's really interesting about that is oftentimes we're so worried about confronting someone else with the truth you know being authentic being real saying well we really think you know expressing our own reality and you don't have to do it in an aggressive way you can just say what you think it's your opinion it's your view we're really afraid to do that because we don't want the other person to feel bad we don't want to hurt them we don't want them to be upset maybe but what's really interesting about that is what I have found is what almost always happens is that actually the other person just starts respecting you more and you actually have a better relationship after you do that I I agree with you and you know this is a little bit of a paradox because you can't really do this I've told guys you know to me the main goal of dating is to discover a person's nature not to get them to like you not to get him naked is to discover who are they how they fit into my life so I take a different approach than most people when it comes to dating you know most people take the approach is how hot is she and how quickly can I get her naked so you know it is you're getting know people one of the best ways to really get to know a woman's nature's break up with her because because it you know then if if she you know sorry you know throwing a fit and calling you names and New York in your car and yeah posting about you on social media you'll count your blessings you know you found out her nature you got away from her but you know if she maybe you know is sad and disappointed but still acts with dignity and treat you with respect and says you know I'd still like to have some connection with you I think you're great you know then you know well you know maybe she's you know pretty quality person now you may still need to break up with her because maybe you don't have the chemistry you need or enough things in common or whatever but yeah it really was a good feeling for me to have a lot of my exes still like me and you know probably almost every one of my exes that I dated say more than three months probably they they've all gotten married since that time and all let me know when they got married I think they all kind of married down because they had me on a pedestal asked me being smug but and you know they they they you know we keep in touch with me now the other thing about it as well is that I found out that if you break up with women well when they're in between relationships you're the first person they think of when they want to get laid and so you kind of you know you get text messages emails how you doing was thinking about you want to get together and you know it's just they want to get laid there's been a little while and you know I it's it's actually one of the best ways to have sex you know the person you've been sexual with them you know you know what the expectations are we're not gonna be boyfriend and girlfriend but we can't go enjoy each other so one of the good things about breaking up is is that you know a lot of my exes turned into women that every now and then would you know give me a call and come around you know I think we have this idea of women sometimes of being kind of fragile and we don't want to hurt them but I really think that women are really resilient when it comes to relationships compared to men most of the time so I think they can handle a lot more than we think maybe they have a reaction in the moment but over the long run I think they end up I think they tend to do pretty well in relationships compared to men and I think you know if you break up with someone maybe they're hurt for a while but they tend to get over it better than a man in most cases in my opinion I I agree with you 100% and I kind of coach guys on that when you know when men are talking about their hesitancy to break up whether it's somebody that they've been dating three months or been with you know for ten years and and I always tell guys hey she will be in a relationship before you and yeah and I playfully say hey every woman no matter what her status is right now is is like thirty seconds away from her next relationship and I don't know I'm just teasing it's really 45 seconds yeah but yeah you know women can go out and get a guy like that and and and they often do and so here's the guy thinking I'm moving in her life you know blah blah blah and then you know then you I know all what she you know put it this way both of my ex-wives that that you know I thought it one-time loved me and thought both of my ex-wives I'm not making this up both of them remarried within two weeks of the divorce being final both of them I thought that's you can't make that up and you know then you got a look at that go how important was I you know two weeks after the divorce is final both have remarried and and so yeah women aren't do tend to be more resilient and you know guys guys get worried about stuff you know fresh season you know the married guys are guys with kids and they'll go you know I can't break up show show get half of everything I've got now go well actually you're wrong she'll probably get more like 70 to 80% of everything you've got you know women's math skills kind of go to hell when they're getting divorced 50/50 takes on weird proportions and um and I say and right now she's got a hundred percent of everything you've got and no judge in the world if you're married to her it's gonna tell her quit spending your money on all those shoes and things that she doesn't need at least if you break up and divorce her you know you you only give her a set amount of money she doesn't get at all and the other pieces you know a lot of times the guys I work with and this includes me I've done it get with women that are kind of fixer-uppers at the start and then we and then we find out kind of one of my mantras is how you find them as how they are and you think well if I just if she's got this little thing going on but you know a little depression and a real money problem or doesn't get along with anybody kind of thing you know but you know I can I can I can help fix that up and I've got this you know diamond in the rough she'll be a great woman until you find out they don't they don't change so then the guy's saying what do I do now you know I've been taking care of her further for X amount of time I've been paying her bills you know she can't work she's depressed and you know I can't break up with her now so because she can't take care of herself and I tell the guys I say I guarantee you she is an expert at getting people to take care of her look she's gotten you to do it for the last three years she'll find somebody else to do it when you hand that job back to her so all these things we guys have like I said it's a deep visceral fear of breaking up pissing off a woman you know putting her in harm's way and in my experience as you've said though in the majority of the cases the women are fine this is just our fears that keep us stuck and because because we're afraid so we will put it off one more day you know and just be miserable and fantasize about what it'd be like to be somebody who we really liked well how do you know when you should end a relationship versus you know kind of sticking around and seeing what happens like what is that point how do you figure that out um I'm gonna give you my best answer cuz I don't know that there is you know the answer that's a good question because believe me I've struggled with that personally um I think the first thing you have to know are are you are you a runner are you and an in measure so is your tendency to get into relationship you know kind of have a nervous you know anxious attachment style and and hang on way too long because you're afraid of being alone or afraid of being left or whatever and so you stay way too long and that that's kind of my tendency I stay way too long I'm and I'm eternal optimist I always think well I like these traits about the person you know you know we can keep working on these other not-so-good traits and they'll disappear and the good traits will get bigger that never happens but I'm an optimist at it well I used to I found it a quote night and I wrote this and put it on my refrigerator years ago while I was dating and said that hope keeps all suffering in place and because it does oh I hope she'll quit drinking you know I hope she'll quit lying to me I hope she'll you know get a job and keep it and you know I I dated one woman on and off for about three years and she kept going back to her estranged husband because she had guilt that because they had a disabled son and I like you know about and so we'd be together for a month or three or six and then she'd break up with me again it was about that time that I think I put that on my refrigerator and so on one of the time she was coming back around again and this also is may not being a good ender she can't hold her to my apartment I saw it on the fridge and she says what does that mean and I said it means exactly what it means you know because I kept hoping well eventually she'll leave her ex for good and you know want to stay in and you know I met her when she was on her way out of her marriage and it took her eight more years to actually get divorced and then she quickly found somebody else to marry and you know I was kind of watching that from a distance so yeah you know this hope keeps all suffering in place so if your tendency is you you know you're not a good ender you you probably need to practice being a better ender now if if you're the kind that's more of a runner that you're afraid of being trapped or stuck or being taken advantage of and you're constantly bailing on relationships at the slightest sign that you know oh that happened I got it I got a leave or the first time you see a woman who you think has nicer tits than the woman you're with oh I could be with that woman she has nicer tits and you're the kind of guy that then ends it because somebody else has nice shirt it's the there's there's two different issues here so if you typically run you probably need to work at staying longer and and feeling your anxiety of oh no oh no oh no and if you're the guy that stays well no too long you probably need to work at leaving sooner then you're kind of natural inclination like that goes back to my my breakup blisters once my anxiety reached that level they were stressing my body out my body said you know leave it's time to get out tell her you know just is you just not feeling it's not working for you and and move on now let me add to this one of my certified no more mr. nice guy coaches wrote a blog article just recently and and I loved it it's called um why you need a relationship Posse and basically said hey you know it's not your fault you bad you make bad relationship decisions we all do we're all you know we all go out and we're attracted to people that have some of the worst traits of both of our parents and we recreate our toxic relationship patterns we learned as little children and then you know the people are attracted to our doing the same thing with us so it's not our fault we all picked we all picked the wrong people but there are we can be more conscious you know going back to that being a good picker and being a good ender and in his blog article he says you need to get a relationship bossy and that is get some guy friends some girlfriends some people that know you well and whenever you're dating and you go out on more than like two dates with anybody you start talking with your posse about them and they know what questions to ask you they know if you tend to stay too long or if you tend to pick fixer-uppers they know if you tend to bolt too quickly because somebody has a nicer tits than the person you're with so they know you and and then quickly if you date them you know a little bit longer three to four or five times start bringing the person the woman you're dating around your posse bringing them around these people and letting them start seeing them interact with them and like for example I went to visit a friend this weekend in Los Angeles and he's got a new girlfriend and she was around us for a while and without giving away too much detail he is almost three times her age not not quite big big big age difference and and unfortunately she acts her age she's not like you know way way more evolved or mature than her age he she act like the age you'd expect her to act and in in my wife and I him and my I've known him for 10 years my wife has probably known him for four and so we know him well and we've seen a couple of his other girlfriends and and so we were around her you know in a few different situations and my wife and I both have bets that she won't she won't still be his girlfriend the next time we go to visit and you know and he said you know the last day we were there a couple days ago he said yeah Robert you want to just kind of go hang out get a drink and I said access probably not gonna work you know it's just you know the three of us you and my wife and I had let's go hang out and I said but how about we talk later this week and he yeah let's do that so we've already made an appointment to talk and I have no doubt he's gonna ask me you know not like what do you think is she is she great she this I don't think he's gonna you know want my sign of approval but I think he's gonna want to know you know okay what what were your impressions what do you think you know anything you you noticed anything I'm overlooking besides the fact it's she's so friggin young and um in and and you know of a third of your agent a third of your IQ and intelligence those are not good things so I'll be honest with him I'll say yeah you already looked you already seemed too bored with her she already seemed to be getting on your nerves and last time he and I had a conversation about the woman he's with who was actually a better fit but not a great fit he went out within 24 hours went over to her house broke up with her and her whole response to him breaking up with her was okay that was hit no you don't have any reaction to it she goes no okay let's break up and but it B is after we had a talk so we need a relationship posse don't try to do this alone left or our own instincts and emotional wiring will pick the wrong people will stay with the wrong people or will run from the throne the right people and we just need people that know us well enough to give us some feedback to you know to help us do that in a more effective way so basically the way I put it if you meet someone and you think hey you know this might be a good you know might be a good match I tell the guys you know okay tie a rope around your waist metaphorically let your Posse hang on to the other end of the rope you dive in and you know she starts to suck you in alive you know we'll pull you back out so but don't try to do it alone that's that's the best advice I know for making that decision of you know when I should stay and when I should go and because it is it is it can be a difficult question to ask because kind of one of the things I talk about in the book and and you know I say quite a bit dating is not in our human DNA it is not something that comes naturally to any of us we were tribal for 200 million years communal for about ten thousand years we've had an ownership patriarchal model of relationship kind you know everything was economic you know one one one set of parents gave their daughter to another set of parents son trade for a cow and you know and then we raise kids and owned the kids and they worked the farm and really a romantic sense of love kind of this kind of fairy tale we kind of get in all our songs and movies about finding you know our soul mate or the one or somebody who completes us that kind of horse mentality about relationship has only been around about 200 years and I think I was reading in mark Manson's second his first big book that um I think you see this edit that that is the theory is the Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet to show just how dumb a stupid romantic love is and if you think about it yeah he did paint a pretty dumb ass picture of two young people being in love with each other so dating is not in our DNA so breaking up isn't in our DNA either so everything we're we're doing in terms of the opposite sex we're all bumbling our way through it so I'll go back to that relationship Posse you know from the from one from whether it's learning how to meet the right people and learning how to leave the wrong people don't try to do it alone yeah I definitely agree with that I think as you said earlier being more social helps you with dating and having a supportive social circle helps you with relationships so I think that's awesome and you also mentioned an idea that's in the book as well which is like an addiction to superficial beauty and in the book you talk about how you can break your addiction to superficial beauty so can you tell us what that means and how you can break that addiction everybody every guy knows what that means we all we all want a hot girlfriend and you know that's normal okay it's probably still part of our evolutionary wiring maybe not to the degree that kind of all the so-called evolutionary biologists experts tell us it is for all the reasons they tell us it is but you know what we want you know a hot girlfriend and most of us is because we've got really shitty self the steams and we think if we've got a great looking girlfriend you know all our guy friends will think we're cool and everybody will envy us and we won't feel like a loser and and because she's hot we're gonna have amazing sex and been there done that none of that actually works out that way all your buddies if she is that hot your buddies are all hitting on her and she may be liking it the the worst sex I've had in my entire life has been with the most attractive women I've been with usually because are they're usually very sexually wounded and because they're good-looking they've never had to put out or try or give any effort to anything you know everybody's always given to them um so yeah I've been there my second wife was gorgeous I I left my first wife left my career left my two-year-old son to go be with my second wife and in and she drove me crazy for 16 years oh good news is I wrote a book you know I wrote a book about being married to her so we're talking because of her and I'm grateful for her and she did have many many many amazing qualities um but yeah she was gorgeous everywhere I went people said oh that's your wife she's beautiful she's gorgeous and yeah that fed my ego but men and women both hit on her she couldn't be faithful sex was terrible I put up with all kinds of from her because hey she was gorgeous and I didn't want to lose a gorgeous girlfriend but her being gorgeous did not make my life better so you know what I tell guys is that it really is true beauty really is only skin deep and beauty does fade but moody bitchy and entitled less forever you know they do those sets go on forever and ever so this goes back to really being a good picker part of the good picker equation is that recognizing attraction to somebody especially in terms of being with them you know more than a few hours you you better be attracted to several qualities of that person now I tell guys yes I hope you're physically attracted to whatever woman you know you decided to get naked with or decide to spend extended periods of time with I I love my wife she's I think she's hot I think she's sexy but I don't know that she would have necessarily turned to my head you know just walking down the street she she approached me um she actually initiated sex the first time and but I think she's sexy as hell and and I loved her body and and I love how she is with me and I love how she treats me and I love sex with her but I love how intelligent she is she dropped out of high school at 15 to take care of her mother she's she's Mexican grew up in poverty I had a PhD at 29 so there's a big educational difference and I think she has a higher IQ than I have she has close to a photographic memory and she's got to help a lot more street smarts than I do she treats me like gold she makes sure you know nobody takes advantage of me she tells me she's not gonna waste my money she's very protective of me she's funny as hell she's got probably the quickest wit of any woman I've ever known and a quicker went and most men I've known and she loves sex and you know she's just a great quality woman um but you know if if I was just kind of lining women up saying which woman would I book picked you know to boost my ego as my girlfriend she probably wouldn't have been at the front of that line and she's an amazing amazing partner so attraction has to be more than just physical appearance otherwise if we guys are just picking a woman purely because she's hot that's really no different than women picking a guy purely because he's got a bunch of money there's really no difference they're both they both are understandable and they're both equally shallow and they both are gonna lead to misery so attraction yes physical appearance is part of it in and yeah we we're not we don't have to you know beat ourselves up for being shallow enough that we're talking to a woman because she has tits and we'll hope we get to see her naked that's fine that's okay but hopefully pretty quickly you were testing for other things and I tell guys again as I've said dating is all about testing a woman's nature and I believe it actually takes probably three years to truly really get to know all angles of a person because I promise you any time I've been in a relationship with a woman at least three years about the three-year mark I started seeing a different person or started learning new things I'd never been told before and I thought all right that means it takes three years of being unconscious dating and interaction to truly know somebody else and to truly make an informed decision do I want to invest you know the rest of my life or you know at least many years of my life and you know my pocketbook and maybe my sperm and whatever else with this woman so you got to decide you gotta test her nature um so when I was dating women you know like really early on number one I would I would never try to fit into their life I would try to see how they fit into my life so I'd take them to listen to live music I'd like jazz I listen jazz I know classic rock I'd I'd start but I wouldn't do that first date but I would I would I would bring that in I like baseball so I'd take him to a baseball game and I'd go buy tickets from a scalper just to see how comfortable they are you know with just getting out there and having a negotiation with somebody outside the stadium I'd make them write public transportation you know even when I would have a nice car hey we're taking the bus to the ball game you know just to see how do they do with that you know we'll get a little bit into it I'm taking them camping I want to see how they do camping how do they do going without a shower for three days or a blow-dryer you know I start introducing them to stuff I start bringing them around you know friends and family the posse I start putting them in situations to see who this person is and how and and you know how how much do I like being with them and how they fit into my life so you got a you've got a you know again physical attraction is great I hope you have it with a purse if you don't they may wear on you in other ways physical attraction and good sex can get you through some some difficult times at times but if that's all you've got is physical attraction and maybe sex again it's gonna fade and it will wear it thin so make sure that person has a lot of qualities you like hopefully she's generous she's intelligent she likes to learn she likes to read book she likes to try new things hopefully she can manage your money hopefully she gets to a gym or a class every now and then you know hopefully you know she's not estranged from all of her family members and doesn't you know hate every ex-boyfriend she's ever had you look for those things they tell you a lot about a woman yeah what I tell my clients is if you just if your only goal is just to sleep with a beautiful woman it's much less expensive in terms of money and emotional pain to just hire a good-looking professional escort and I'm not saying you should break any laws or that prostitution is a good thing I'm just saying that if that's your only goal it's much better to just hook up with someone or hire an escort than it is to get married to them marriage is not the best path that's your only thing that you want there's a lot of other paths that you can take Jim I agree with you hundred percent and I I think prostitution should be legal for many reasons to help eliminate many of the bad things that go with it and you live in a country where you can to go do that and I do too you live in Thailand I live in Mexico and that's fine you know there's nothing wrong with that you know the only reason it's illegals because this end model of sex still permeates culture and yeah why not why shouldn't you know a man be able to go have sex with a woman he finds physically attractive and not have to invest his entire life in that so yeah go do that it makes a lot more sense then on the other hand if you want to have a long-term relationship where you want to get married or build a family then the person that you choose to be with has to have certain qualities that allow you to have a good relationship with her so we talk about that as well of course yeah of course and and you know um you know I I work with so many guys and you've probably bumped into this too and you you can you can almost start predicting these guys what was going on with them they start opening their mouth these are the guys that have almost no social skills and and you know they they stayed home watch television smoke dope surf the Internet jerk off to porn you know just you know the playing World of Warcraft they're on they're on online red pill forums pontificating about women whatever and and then they say well unless I can date at ten I'm not going to date and yeah and you know they're they you know they haven't been to a gym or on an exercycle the entire adult life they dress like you know I've no clue how to groom and it's kind of like saying hey unless I can drive a Bentley I'm not gonna drive a car and and really again all that is is an excuse so they can just go back and look at the tents in the porn because important the tens all think they're great and you know and and everything always works out but yeah that whole attitude well unless I can date a hot woman you know I'm not gonna even bother okay yeah good luck what do you bring to the table and you know dating is all about what do you bring to the table and if if there's certain things you value about women you better match them value wise and they don't have to necessarily be the exact same thing but you better bring something to the table and just you insisting that you'll only date at ten it's not you bringing much to the table she's well what's the trade-off for her absolutely and if a woman treats you well she gets actually better looking in your mind over time and if she doesn't then she starts to lose her looks start to lose their effect on you I agree with you a hundred percent that is an interesting phenomena every woman that I've ever been with who treated me well got more beautiful over time now and here's here's another thing every woman I've been with that treated me well not only did they appear more beautiful to me they started taking care of themselves often trimmed down got in better shape started dressing better start you know you know they they there's something about you know being in a loving relationship that brings the best out and a woman that she wants to be your your best partner but yeah when things are not going so well you know they start mailing it in and that's when they you know put on the pounds get less attractive and and you know lose interest in sex and so yeah when a relationships going well because you're a good match or the person both of you get more beautiful absolutely okay well last question just to change gears a little bit you talk about the fear of rejection in your book and it's really interesting because you say that a guy can eliminate his fear of rejection forever so how can a guy do that well I can't tell you that they won't go by the book oh there's a lot more golden this is just scratching the surface guys I I read the whole thing and there's a lot of excellent information in there so it's not giving away anything yeah okay the fear of rejection yeah yeah that probably is just the number one thing for guys around dating is that fear of rejection when I first started working with guys around dating I you know being a therapist right uh you know somebody with psychological training I I started trying I started out by trying to convince them that that rejection didn't hurt but I promise you if somebody's convinced that rejection hurts you can't talk them out of that then I started trying okay we can't use the R word anymore no more rejection and that includes no more she shot me down or you know she dumped me or we're gonna say we're changing she just had low interest and which does work better on your brain to say okay she had a low interest and and I teach that a woman either has high interest in in having an interaction with us or low interest in having an interaction and it's true for you as well you know you have a high interest in having interaction or low interest and maybe of I in interest now but maybe not later but then maybe later on so it's is human nature so let's just break it down to high interest and low interest and don't make it more complicated or more personal than that but I couldn't get guys to you know you know I they'd say I know you we can't use the R word but I it happened to me last night yeah there's woman reject you so what I found is the step trying to convince guys it doesn't hurt or give them do things I start kind of like playing games with them and give them challenges to kind of reframe it in their head and one of the games I like to play like in groups or in a workshop and this is kind of a fun little thing and I'm you know I'm gonna ruin it for anybody that ever does it but that's okay but you'll get the gist of it I get the guys for example lined up and everybody pairs off you know facing a partner and every day I tell the guys I explained everybody's gonna have two minutes partner a for two minutes is gonna say I want I want to be happy I want a million dollars I want a big dick on a beautiful girlfriend I want world peace you know whatever for for two minutes and the other guy across from them partner B is gonna tell them no to everything they asked for and I want to be happy no I want a big dick no and and so I line them up go two minutes and after two minutes we switch and partner B goes two minutes of asking for what they want and and I do this with nice guys for a number of reasons there's a lot of applications one is that nice guys have a hard time asking for what they want they even have a hard time knowing they want anything so going to minutes can be excruciating for some guys to think of what they want for two minutes try it and in also nice guys often have our time saying no especially to a legitimate request so it's good practice and saying no so and there's some there's other applications but so I'll do this with guys and like you know they get loud they're laughing they're you know they're getting silly or being whatever they're I'm in a good day but goodness everybody has a good time doing this little practice and and sometimes like when the two minutes is up I'm having to yell over the den to get them all right stop stop stop two minutes are up you know it's time for the switched places ba bla bla and and so like after we do this and then we kind of we get done we break it down and discussion a lot of the dynamics about it I'll say I'll just put it out there so okay guys I said um each of you spent two minutes getting rejected over and over and over again and you guys were having fun you're enjoying it you were laughing you liked it wouldn't stop when I told you your two minutes were up and and I'll go but everybody's convinced that rejection hurts but you just got rejected for two minutes it didn't hurt you a bit and I always say and people start going but but but but I go okay what's the difference and you know really what it comes down to the difference is the context and the meaning we put on it so if the context is I want that attractive woman to give me a phone number that's a context in the meaning we put on it is oh I'll feel good about myself and have a nice warm feeling inside and won't feels like such a loser if she gives me a phone number in the context and if she doesn't give us a phone number that means oh I've got to stay lonely I don't get the warm feeling and I have to keep feeling like a loser so that hurts right when her having low interest in giving us a phone number perpetuates beliefs we already have inside of ourselves about ourselves and our place in the world like I'm not good enough I'm not lovable I'm not desirable that's the that hurts because that's the we've been telling ourselves maybe since we were like little kids but it's not the actual woman's low interest in us that hurts it's the story we project onto it that hurts so that's why I say that that conscious dating can be a powerful tool for actually you know dealing I mean that's that's good therapy fodder right there to start go deal with why do I feel like such a shitty unlovable person when a complete stranger who I don't even know didn't give me a phone number so we we actually could go work on whatever our stories were telling ourselves and I promise you if you get that cleaned out that you're not lovable you're not desirable you know you're gonna be a lonely loser your entire life you're gonna die alone all that that men tell me they've got in their head if you can get that stuff cleared out you're so well so much more attractive you can take so many more chances you can be so much bolder then all of a sudden you get a lot more high interest responses now the big the big assignment that I give guys I tell guys okay here's how you're gonna find out rejection doesn't hurt get a buddy go out and decide ahead of time how many rejections each of you is gonna get that night three five is the max you probably want to go for and the two of you go out and without being offensive or abusive to any woman you know go as quickly as you can right get get to the you know the the closes quickly as you can with as many women as you can and see how many women you can get to tell you know right and and so you're trying to get rejected so if you actually do get rejected you actually succeeded rather than failed so you're putting a switch on it now it's still kind of scary to go do this the first time but it lowers your anxiety if you're just a instead of trying to get her to like me or you know say the right thing or move in at the right moment to get the phone number so I don't get rejected or look foolish or get a drink in my face or whatever I'm afraid of I'm just gonna go right for it you know I'm say hey you know my name is Robert I saw you standing here I got a bounce give me your phone number I'm gonna call you later up to work we're gonna meet up later on and you just just go for it and I promise you I've gone out I've gone out with friends I'm not going at one time and with the goal of getting five rejections in that night I couldn't get five I tried I tried my damnedest I could not get five women to tell me no I was talking to college-age women I was you know strangers and restaurants waitresses and I kept getting numbers and and so here's the paradox there's something about being that bold being that direct just holding your phone and saying give me your number I'm gonna call you women are actually wired to be compliant and say yes women actually hate to say no in spite of all of our beliefs about it and you'd be amazed how many women will say yeah sure you know that's kind of cool nobody's nobody's walked up to me in a long time and just said give me your number I'm gonna call you it's fun it introduces something that women are not expecting now you got to be bold about it you can't you can't do the typical thing that most of us guys do and sit and stare at them across the room in that creepy kind of way you know just people interact with them you know be playful have fun with it and it but quickly get to and give me your number I'm gonna give you call we're gonna meet up later on and it just try to get five women to tell you no now here's here's the really cool part now you can do it and if five women might actually tell you no that doesn't mean you're a loser because here's what happens as soon as a guy does it once even if he gets told no he walks away going damn I did it you know you get to fist-pumping going on I did it and like now I'm sundar pumped up to go do a second one and next thing you know they can't wait to go do a third one even if they're getting told no there's something about just facing that fear that primal fear of being rejected that you know okay she told me no my world didn't end here where's another one I'm gonna go get her to tell me no and doing that really gets you pumped and excited and when it's all over when your nights over you know a couple things one you realize hey I didn't die you know I didn't look foolish I had fun it was playful I talked to women I never would have talked to and I actually got some numbers of women I never would have gotten and you know so it death I find that the men that will actually do that assignment take a buddy and the two of you go out to three buddies whatever try to get five women to reject you it really does just care you but you realize yeah it doesn't hurt it doesn't hurt it's just no and if I hadn't talked to her at all it still would have been no so at least I went and talked to her and found out for sure it was no and so that's the best way I know to do it it it can be a little scary still take a buddy with you but go do it go lean into that fear get out of that comfort zone I really love that because if you don't interpret a woman saying no to you as well you are not lovable you're not able to attract a woman you know you don't have some kind of general story that's negative about yourself when that happens then you can continue to take action with other women and your ability to take action continually and more quickly after what you call maybe a rejection is what leads to your eventual success it's being able to keep going and keep taking action even if it doesn't work out for you with one woman maybe the next woman will like you and so I think that activity is so cool because not only does it kind of vaccinate you against rejection in general it also allows you to take action the next time with the next woman and when you meet the right woman for you you're not going to really accept probably you're gonna look up at the coffee shop and there she is and now you don't have that fear in the back of your mind and you go over and say hi to her and then you end up married to her and have kids with her or whatever so I think that's a really great activity yeah and you really hit the nail the head it's a numbers game you know for the guys that think oh I should be able to learn this pickup technique or this dating plan and you know like you know within three weeks or with three dates all I've found you know the amazing woman it's a numbers game there's you know I tell guys you know actually meeting a woman who's a really great match for you there's like there's probably 70 to 80 percent luck now yeah the the you know the I heard some Holmes Will Rogers or some famous person said you know that seems like the harder I work the luckier I get and and I think I believe in that I tell guys you don't you don't have to go out make your luck put yourself in a position to get lucky that means you know be a social animal be out talking to people you're not gonna meet anybody if you're hanging out in your living room you got to get out of the house go be social go challenge yourself limiting beliefs get out of your comfort zone go hang out with your buddies there's nothing like guys hanging out in public too I mean I've been out with guys friends before and the women will come on to us and buy us drinks and we're not even checking them out we're just being with guy friends so get out be social be with your buddies don't be that loner don't be that lone wolf challenge yourself limiting beliefs and you'll be amazed at the really interesting things that happen now the other thing I'm saying probably is a good place to wrap up you know if we can get past this thing that it's all about physical beauty and just start being interested in people I've been with so many people so many women that were so interesting is like you said became so beautiful and we're so just fun in bed that that if I just was looking across the room is is she's a 10 I want to go home with I wouldn't have seen them right but they showed interest in me I responded walked through the open door they already had high interest in me the way I put it is they showed up wet they're often amazing in bed because you know they're already interested in you and and you know they won't have fun with you and so you we walk through the open doors let go of that rigid standard oh she's got to be a 10 go have fun with a lot of people there's a lot of amazing people at a lot of amazing women that you know might not just turn your head but you might have a hell of a good time with in a lot of different ways I agree with that 100% so what's the best way for a guy to find more information about you and get your book okay easy enough may it my main website is dr. Glover comm Dr G l.o.v.e our comm all my online classes are there my workshops all my books are posted there my newer website to go with the new book is dating essentials for men comm I've got the bonus dating essentials for men bonus bundle there they can click there to go to Amazon and get the e-book they get my podcast from there they can sign up for my dating essentials for men Q&A newsletter I send that out every Friday it's got an answer to somebody's question about dating that I give you just go to Amazon and just type in dating essentials for men and my book will come up so or just Google Robert Glover I'm I'll come up top spaces Google no more mr. nice guy Google dating essentials for men you'll find me excellent so go grab your copy of dating essentials for men right now on Amazon if you're watching on YouTube it's in the link below this video and if you haven't read no more mr. nice guy definitely get that one as well so dr. Glover thanks so much for coming on the show Jim thanks for inviting me back I always have a good time talking with you and appreciate it absolutely all right guys as a thank you for listening we also have some free gifts for you as well we have some advanced free training for you and you can get that by going to dating advice for men who love women calm that's dating advice for men who love women calm I'm Jim wolf with dating advice for men who love women I'll talk to you later

6 thoughts on “Interview with Dr. Robert Glover, Best-Selling Author: Dating Essentials for Men…

  1. Is it still worth buying his first book if we haven't read it? Or does this one pretty much cover the content of the 1st book in an updated version?

  2. Perfect video please keep uploading Jim ! We’re all counting on you 😀

  3. The woman I'm interested in and i have flirted with and had other signs of interest from ( body language etc) apart from being gorgeous which i see as a benefit i like her hair, the way she dresses the sort of person she, her sense of humour and the fact she's a gemini and im a leo and her parentage and intelligence and what she does for a living. I've known her her long enough to know these things

  4. You need to be very careful with women …just try to figure it out what woman you are dealing with before falling in love or getting serious relationship… there are too many fraudsters,goldiggers and outright crazy women out there

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