It Doesn’t Start With a Death Wish: Suicide Prevention Day


Hey pal-erinos quick sort of disclaimer before
this video really gets going. First of all I worry that some people are
gonna read into this that I am struggling I wrote this when I was in a completely different
place a lot of months ago I’m completely fine I promise
Second of all big old trigger warning/ content warning for discussions of suicide and suicidal
thoughts because looking after yourself is more important than watching my video I assure
you It doesn’t start with a death wish. It starts with just feeling a bit down,
You make the jokes and laugh it off, When your doctor says the word depression
you accept the help, This is not going to be your story. Kill my like a real disease you coward,
You declare, Pickling your liver just to stop this deep
rooted dread, it presses pause,
Until inebriated you is the only you that’s left, It doesn’t start with a death wish. It starts with not sleeping for a few weeks. The worlds a little off kilter,
But you’ll be fine when your brain catches up to your needs,
When you can do what seems to come so naturally to others,
This isn’t going to be who you become , You work 3 jobs and get every piece of coursework
in on time, You send off other work to publishers and
bloggers, You’re so functional you have it in your control,
it will never kill you . It doesn’t start with a death wish. It starts with crossing the road without looking,
The car manages to stop a centimetre from hitting you and you don’t even blink .
You’re not suicidal, Just careless,
Whoops you say with the story over tea, Like how you found yourself in that position
is some kind of mystery. It doesn’t start with a death wish. until years down the line when treatment options
seem exhausted, And waiting lists stretch before you
A never ending road It suddenly extends to its full height,
Consuming every nerve ending, Breaking your brain cells down with its treacherous
wings. Your bleeding but you don’t know where from,
You swear somebody is in the room with you, The house is empty. You debate the array of pills in the bathroom
cabinet , It would be so easy to kill the dragon dead
in its steps, You don’t mind being collateral damage. Well that got dark didn’t it? If you’ve been here a while here at bobbinsleak
we do not often talk about what my poems mean I think a lot of the time they have more emaning
if youattribute your own personal meaning to them and relate it to yourself rather than
me giving you a speech about my life because that’s what my vlogs are for
But I feel the need to discuss this one further today is suicide awareness day and I think
everyone’s aware that suicide is a thing I think people are less aware that often people
don’t go from completely fine to suicidal overnight
In my case I had on and off depressive episodes for several years I was on my third attempt
at different antidepressants I’d been on waiting lists for a variety of other diagnoses I’m
aware that as a society we tend to focus on depression and anxiety partly because they’re
more easily treatable but that’s a lot of what the focus is on I deal with a lot of
other things as well as those mentally but I don’t want this video to just be my mental
health history because we’d be here all day I said at the start of this video that I am
fine now that is largely down to these As I said before it took me 4 antidepressants
to find the right ones for me SSRIs dont work with my brain which is great
because they’re the most common ones and they’re always first line of treatment but I am much
more able to cope now so thank you mirtazapine you magic magic drug
The issue is often there for a long time now I understand that you can’t always keep track
of what friends are doing and what you’re doing even
I said this in my April video I believe but I could see me behaving in destructive manners
that preempted the lows I hit in May when I watched it back but not at the time
Very hard to notice these things at the time and then you look back when you’re doing better
again and you’re like oh wow I was bad I was bad
I think it’s dangerous to assume that things like suicide and self harm appear the second
someone is depressed Depression is a very complex disease that
we do not understand very well Trust me I’m a biologist we know fuck all
But ultimately treatment is available and but as someone who accepted the treatment
head on as stated in the poem I still found myself coming short of having any success
with that treatment of being able to I felt adequately get the help I need and I am still
on waiting lists galore for a variety of things the NHS is a wonderful wonderful thing but
it is drastically underfunded and mental health often takes a lot of those cuts and as a result
we sit and often spiral and get worse and worse and worse whilst desperately trying
to get help I don’t want this discussion to just be shared as oh check in on your friends
or oh heres a suicide helpline I am gonna put them in the description just in case they
help anyone but most people I know who suffer with depression do not want to call a random
phone number when they are incredibly credibly ill
For a lot of people especially if you have anxiety or something that stresses you alongside
your depression you can’t you physically cannot and therefore it it doesn’t matter if the
help is there if it’s not accessible people will not use it
What the hell are you trying to say Bob? So look out for yourself and look out for
your friends if you notice your friend is engaging in a lot of destructive behaviour
maybe point it out to them it’s possible they won’t take it kindly at first I know I wouldn’t
but if that gets them thinking about seeking help earlier rather than later that could
be life saving Other than that all the usual things and I
hate saying them because I hate hearing them as a mental person you do need to go and see
your GP you do need to sign up and see if you can get therapy
Therapy I understand has either enormous waiting lists or is expensive I don’t know what countries
you are all from I’m aware I have quite a large portion of viewers from the US and I
understand that even going to see a GP may not be accessible to everyone but if you can
find a way to do it you should because it helps it really helps
I’m not gonna sit here and say do pilates and you’ll feel cause that’s not how it works
and like I’m still depressed I’m just not actively suicidal and think that difference
needs to be narrowed in a way we need to understand that any form of mental illness any form of
a lot of illnesses can lead to these horrendous feelings and horrendous tragedies and we need
to keep this discussion open so whilst I know peopleare talking about this still filming? yes whilst I know people are talking about
this because it’s suicide awareness day I just have to urge you all to keep this discussion
going make sure people are aware of what help is available because I know especially if
you are seeking help for something that isn’t depression or anxiety I did not know what
help was there I had no idea and as a result I probably ended up waiting a lot longer to
get the help I needed I am also blessed with an incredible suppport system please just
talk to your friends if you feel like this even if they can’t offer any help and they’re
just like ok should we watch a film then sometimes it helps I don’t have the solutions here I
don’t think any of us do I just think if we can try and look out for each other and try
and be aware of the signs that very dark depressive episodes could be creeping up on you then
maybe we can help a bit stay safe guys and I’ll see you soon

4 thoughts on “It Doesn’t Start With a Death Wish: Suicide Prevention Day

  1. Your sooo Awesome!! I have been following your Channel for like 4yrs and all ways looking forward for more!!!

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