James Adomian: District of Comedy (Bernie Sanders Town Hall)

(Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the independent senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders. [Applause] Thank you [Applause] Music ñ ìTo everything, turn, turn, turn There is a season turn, turn, turn (Sanders coughs) How you doiní folks? Sisters and brothers, we made it.
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We're here, congratulations. I hope the parking worked out; I don't validate personally but I think there's somebody here in the room. Are we good? Are you handling it? Are you, are you? Is this what you expected or did they advertise it incorrectly? Let me tell you this, let me tell you something I just thought of. I am a firm believer in a need to find alternative forms of energy besides fossil fuel and one very important form of alternative energy will be audience energy so please give me all can tonight. (Applause) Very good, very good. I am dripping documents, I sweat documents in my sleep and when I snore I go into my stump speech so forgive me if you've heard some of this before. Sisters and brothers it is good to be here in the John F Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. I was inspired by President John F Kennedy when I was a middle-aged man. That one day this country would again be able to come together and look to the leadership of a person whose accent was so crazy for its time it was almost impossible to understand. And so here we are. I have had some fond memories here at the Kennedy Center with my wife Jane. We saw The Smothers Brothers play here, fantastic time. We saw Mark Russell here twice with some of his delightful piano music, and yes, he went after Eleanor Clift. We also saw Eleanor Clift here in her own right when they did the McLaughlin group live tour; it started here at the Kennedy Center. She did a fantastic tap-dance tumble with Pat Buchanan and that was the only thing he's ever stood for that I supported though I believe the song was Stardust. That was fantastic. Oh yeah, we are building a Sanders Center in Vermont in Rutland city. There is gonna be a Sanders Center where we will have live readings of statistics and we will give out Sander's honors for educational excellence in the use of percentages. On that note, let me say this when I say that what I mean is Iím going to say something. Let me say this, the top one percent
of the top ten percent of the top one percent Of the top one percent of one percent of one percent of one percent of one (he keeps rapidly repeating ìof one percentî) of 10 percent of 4 percent of 5 percent, 3 percent of 6 percent of 9 percent of 2 percent of 1 percent, 3 percent to 6 percent, 2 percent of 8 percent. That was Tchaikovsky. (applause) and that percentage controls more wealth than all of the fractions combined and I don't think that's fair. I will also say this, two thirds of four fifths is slightly greater than one-third of two fourths; that's just pure fractions right there. Pardon me I just want to crooked my tie here for a moment. It's a small room for me so I'm gonna get informal for you. I appreciate you joining me here for a town hall. I cannot overemphasize how comfortable I am in a town hall format. It is almost the only way I know how to do anything although I'm trying to branch out. We're working on starting some roundtable sessions; I'm open to do a symposium now and then and, yes, I am available for a forum if the money is right. We are remodeling our luxurious Vermont Lake house home that you've heard so much about on the internet. Two rooms — we are remodeling it to resemble a very small town hall where we are gonna invite neighbors over. We'll give them sandwiches and then they can pepper me with very difficult questions. The sandwiches will be used with, will use impossible burger meats and the public but the questions should be a little bit easier. So here we are in Washington. I want to get, by the way we're gonna get to a few things. There will be some time for questions and I do not promise that I will even attempt to get to all of your questions but I will nominally make you feel good about not doing it. We're gonna do a little bit more bullshit and then we're gonna do some bullshit over there and then we're gonna come back. There's gonna be a series of resets and more bullshit; I hope you're ready for it. It is bad to be back here in D.C. I feel lonely I don't fit in. I get to Vermont as often as I can. When I have to I commute down on the Acela train, the northeast corner corridor. I am often on the same train as Chris Matthews; we don't get along and Amtrak always puts us in the loud car together. They have a loud car. it's just me and Chris Matthews trying to outdo each other on volume. Hey Chris, if you're listening put me on TV, I'm out here. You know who I am. What else do I do? Ruth Bader Ginsburg, we play racquetball sometimes. I will say this I often win, perhaps the majority of the time I win our racquetball matches. However, even when that happens, Ruth Bader Ginsburg issues a very strenuous objection objection in her dissenting opinion the outcome of the game. Of course I'm able to reach across the aisle; I don't have a lot of friends here in town, so yes occassionally now and then I reach across the aisle. James Inhofe, personally we are friends and we do sit down to play chess now and then but it lasts about ten minutes before we start arguing about the framework of what we are doing and the game itself and the whole thing dissolves because we can't form a quorum anymore. I firmly believe philosophically I believe that no chess pieces should have any more influence than any other chess pieces. I believe in this country we are far past due for a time when a pawn can achieve as much in its lifetime as the king or the bishop or the Queen and I believe that not only Knights should be able to hop over anything. If you are facing an obstacle you should hop over it. I look forward to an egalitarian chess that is nonviolent and choreographed in a way so it just starts to look like dancing. it's good to be here in the summer. I'm glad we're air-conditioned; I'm sorry for what it's doing to the environment. Thank you for joining me. I like being somewhere in the summer; it makes me remember A Midsummer Night's Dream. Here we are. I've always felt my involvement in the Democratic Party is a little bit like that Shakespeare play. You got Oberon, the king of the fairies, he's got far too much power and, of course, I show up as Bottom and I have the donkey head on and I need it to be a Democrat and then after a while I really try to take it off but it's hard. What else, what else? I'm feeling loose. What are we going to talk about? I heard that Hillary Clinton is performing at a musical festival in New York called Ozy fest. They got a poster and everything; it says Hillary Clinton and then Common and then everybody else like its Coachella or something. Oh, Ozy fest at Central Park; I don't know if Ozy Osbourne is involved or not but I'm hoping that Hillary plays Crazy Train and then maybe goes into paranoid and who knows maybe we can have an encore of war pigs. That's a Black Sabbath joke for you, a Black Sabbath joke for you. They're a little bit out of context but what are you going to do? I'm not going to be outdone by Hillary Clinton in fact I'm one to comically try to outdo her so she's performing at a music festival, I'm also I'm happy to announce here I will be going to Burning Man later this summer. Yes, there is a pun there; calm down, not only was the pun intended, it was intensely vetted by my Senate staff. I plan to go to Burning Man. We're not gonna get too wild; there will be no nudity or if there is it'll be kept to a tasteful minimum and any genital piercings that either Jane or myself may or may not have, you know that's our business. At the end of the Burning Man conference what I'm gonna do is we're gonna have a 400 foot wooden Bernie Sanders in the middle of the playa; I'm gonna walk out and we're gonna light it on fire and watch it burn to the ground like my chances during my campaign two years ago. look I'm rough, I'm rough. I'm not ever, I'm not perfect, I'm gonna take some jabs at somebody else; they're gonna take some shots at me, too. I hope youíre ready for that.
(someone shouts from the audience) I don't know what that was; it sounded urgent. If it is an urgent heckle I urge you to call my Senate staff. You could call the Capitol and you can tell them it wasn't funny or whatever and they will forward it to my office. if you are a Vermonter feel free to call my local office in Burlington or Brattleboro. Well we could look back, we can look forward. The election coming up in 2020 is also hindsight so we have the luxury of looking into the future and also the past at the same time. I am comfortable performing at Burning Man And in a lot of other places. I have been endorsed by a number of bands both as a senator and a presidential candidate. I was endorsed by the band Pfish also from Vermont. They endorsed me with a 75-minute endorsement riff. It was mostly a key changing guitar solo. I was very proud of that moment. I have also been endorsed by three-fourths of the musical group Crosby Stills Nash and Young, which coincidentally is two-thirds of course of Crosby Stills and Nash. I've always thought of myself as the Neil Young of the Democratic Party in many ways. I come in when they want me to make a big album together and then when they want me to stick around I wander off and do my own solo stuff, and I was very, very unpopular with southern men and so it sticks, the analogy sticks, if you don't mind me saying so. Also I would like to see you again under this Harvest Moon. I hope you like it. Sometimes it's gruff, sometimes it's gruff. It sounds like gruffy gummy from the gummy bears, the classic 1988 Disney afternoon cartoon, a little fun fact behind the curtain if you're wondering how I do this. When I warm up my voice I gargle Milk Duds. Oh, that's how you get the voice, I venture the Disney afternoon. I'm proud of my record in animation; I marched with the Care Bears and I am proud of that. We marched and we, yes, we got professional cold heart to admit that he was wrong to be bullying children and he cried. they promised that he would not eat too much candy in the future. Thatís my opening remarks
We're gonna get to some other stuff. I know I'm dancing around a lot of serious issues and I hope that you're comfortable with that because thatís what weíre doing here today, tonight, today, tonight. Are you ready for that? The Sun is setting but here it's an eternal darkness darkness. We have some guests; Look, I want to thank everybody again, for the Kennedy Center, all the staff you have back there, our translator right there. Am I getting it correctly, sir? Are we doing it right? We're doing it right, he says, Yes, okay, good. That was yes, that's right on. We are gonna have a few guests and we're gonna take some questions from the audience. I think maybe I should do that now, take a couple of questions from the audience, make sure you feel like you're members of what we're doing here, constituents of this event, if you will. Thank you, that was an elegant way to bring up the lights slightly without overwhelming. I didn't get a key; this is not much, not gonna stop, I am gonna keep dropping. You're lucky if I don't drop my pants. We can ask some questions. Yes, Juliet, I believe it is. Please Juliet so soft what light through yonder window. There you are. Juliet is gonna, if you have a question she's gonna get to you with a microphone. We've got time for two or three; honestly I have time for 10 or 12 but I'm not gonna do that. I think I see a question right there, somebody with the hand up. That's the universal sign for I got a question or I'm trying to outshine my opponent in this debate, that's awesome. (audience member) Tell us about the health care in Denmark. (Adomian) The health care in Denmark, thank you. Denmark is a wonderful country that has fantastic health care and also Legos. We can look to Denmark for a healthcare system that fits together and snaps together in certain ways that is clean and efficient and it is made from now it is made from an organic plant-based plastic, and I am in favor of a healthcare, you know, you get it out of the box; you can follow the directions with your medical Lego provider or you could come up with your own ideas, with some holistic whatever you want to do, Echinacea, so yes, that is I think that that's enough about the health block. Denmark has fantastic health care; I've been there to Denmark and everybody I met was alive. Another question. Right here, I think, right there, yes yes let's go there. (audience member) What do you think about the trade route between China and the United States. (Adomian) the trade between China and the United States. Well, look, I think it's, so it's been around for a while. I think the forties thing about oceans, transportation and human needs is that they are going to find each other. We have been trading with China for a long, long time, since my early childhood sometime in the Ming Dynasty. Look I think we have disagreements, we have valid disagreements with Chinese people. I think our cultures should come together. I think that Donald Trump is wrong to be screaming about China every time he sets himself on fire. China is a country with people and we are we are brothers and sisters even if we've never met each other we should try to get along and we should make at least some modicum of an effort not to have a nuclear war over nothing, tariffs, which Donald Trump seems to be trying to do. I have great respect for China and Chinese history. I think I was very, I remember fondly in a bookstore in Brattleboro, Vermont I used to take a look at Maoís little red book; it was a little bit too far left for me. it was P-G Book House was the name of the bookstore they had a copy of Mao Zedong's little red book and they had a version of it with big print for people who need large print like I do, and you know, Chairman Mao oh he said two steps forward, one step back. I think that's a little bit too radical for even me. I prefer to take one step forward and then one step back and then drop out of the election without contesting any of the results. I hope that answered your question. it's some semblance in another universe or something, thank you for the question. But one more before we go to our first guest; oh, yes, right here in the very front. Yes sir, and I want to thank all the people sitting in the furniture in the first two rows. That is my personal furniture from my home in Vermont; we're selling it after the show weíre selling it, we're taking offers of anything you got: bus tokens, bitcoins, anything. Yes sir, right there. (audience member) So how do you feel, how do you feel about Donald Trump being president currently? (Adomian) Well, Donald Trump, how can I say this? Donald Trump reminds me of Chucky from Child's Play. He's a redheaded little bastard; we thought he was cute at everything and then he's climbing up America's leg trying to stab everybody. and I think there are plenty of nonviolent ways to turn that terrible movie off but I think that we should look to those. Also, there's another way of looking at it. Donald Trump is a gremlin. He was very cute at first and the mainstream media gave him too much attention, two whole seasons and they fed him after midnight and, yes, it is always midnight somewhere, specifically in this case in Moscow almost literally. I'm almost right on. Donald Trump, he's a, look he's a sack of nuclear waste. Donald Trump,
I don't like to look, I don't like to. I only swear when I stub one of my ingrown toenails. but Donald Trump is a real doo doo head. I disagree with 99% of the positions he takes. The only thing that I do agree with him on is about hair. I think that when you have hair that doesn't work I think it should look silly in public. Thank you for that question; I treasure that question. We will have time for more but there's a guest that I want to bring him out I'm getting tired of standing so I'm gonna sit while they have my guest come out if you don't mind, please welcome him; heís a performer we've not met in person before but I honor his work and he is performing at this festival later tonight for his own program. Please welcome my guest Neil Hamburger. [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music – both men cough loudly into the microphone] (Adomian) Neil Hamburger, there you are, youíre a performer.
Pardon me. I've had a slight cold ever since G. Gordon Liddy was pardoned in 1970. (Hamberger) I've had one since I stayed at the Days Inn. (Adomian) Well, the Days Inn, what happened? (Hamburger) You know, you do a lot of traveling. (Adomian) I do a lot of traveling. I wanted to ask you about that; you're on the road all the time for different reasons. I'm trying to save the country and youíre trying to earn a living. (Hamburger) Iím trying to make a living and pursue my dream which I guess is kind of what you're doing as well, pursuing a dream. (Adomian) Yeah, we're a lot alike. We're obviously physically, superficially, there's incredible differences between us. (Hamburger) Yes there are. A town hall doesn't mean a free-for-all, young lady. You need to listen to what the man is saying. (Adomian) Well this is an issue I disagree with you slightly. I think that hecklers sometimes they need mental healthcare and I am in favor of having teams going throughout the country and all venues and tending to the hecklers making sure their whole life is productive. (Hamburger) Now I would vote for that, honestly, because I've dealt with a lot of these creeps, you know, a lot of these nattering nabobs of negativity and stink it up with their asinine comments. (Adomian) Thatís a Spiro Agnew reference. (Hamburger) Yes, it is. He was one of the greats in a sense, in a sense. (Adomian) All right, I'm getting, getting it I'm taking the temperature here and not only do you have a fever I think maybe you have some right-wing views. (Hamburger) No, I didn't, I like all of them; I like everybody, they're all great. All the elected representatives are fantastic on all parties. They're all doing a great job and we should support all of them, every one. (Adomian) That's almost impossible; you're saying we should embrace the totality of all existence; what are you, Helen Watts? (Hamburger) Well I mean these people are doing their jobs and you have to salute that. I wish the audience would salute me when I'm doing my job upstairs in the Family Theater in just a few moments after your show is over. it's not really a show is it? (Adomian) Well, I call it a symposium, a town hall. I suppose you could say it's theater-in-the-round but I am playing myself. (Hamburger) So if this is a symposium will I be getting an honorarium? (Adomian) Well, yeh, thereís a small honorarium; are you a member of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers? (Hamburger) No, Iím afraid Iím not. (Adomian) I will be paying you out of pocket so forgive me if there's a little bit of lint and aspirin dust when I pay you out of pocket.
(Hamburger) I got plenty of that already; I was hoping for some coins. (Adomian) I can pay you like that
what do you want some commemorative coins? (Hambuger) I would take those, you know, commemorating that George Washington, the 25 cent piece is also a nice coin as well. (Adomian) I've never heard of it referred to as a 25 cent piece. Well, the only coins I collect are Ethan Allen coins and I, they're the ones that are just made of pure copper so they're almost worthless. (Hamburger) Oh yes, those are nice. (Adomian) Well, heís one of the only heroes Vermont has. Have you been to Vermont for your many travels as a performer? (Hamberger) I have done several shows in your state, in Burlington and Brattleboro (Adomian) Burlington and Brattleboro (Hamburger) and a few other towns as well. (Adomian) Oh, those are the only ones that anybody really remembers. I, you know, Vermont was kind of an accidental State. (Hamburger) That's where Ben and Jerry are from though. we, look, we've all gotten diabetes from their products, havenít we? So you need to do something about that. Why aren't you in the Senate right now? Why, what is this? (Adomian) What? Do you have to be there all the time? (Hamburger) Well, I mean that's what the folks are paying you for. (Adomian) Well, theyíre not paying me very much. I'm donating most of the income to Greyhound bus patrons who can make the, I have just a number of charities, giving away all the money.(Hamburger) Well, I'm a Greyhound bus patron so that's nice that the moneyÖ…(Adomian) Weíll add that to the honorarium.
(Hamburger) A ticket would be fine to my next show. (Adomian) Well, we're in session in Congress but right now weíre gridlocked; John McCain is down there screaming at everybody. Elizabeth Warren. okay they're trying to look, it's a big clusterfuck down there. Elizabeth Warren, she's drunk she's swinging from the chandeliers. I said I canít handle this, I gotta come do something that makes sense. (Hamburger) What you senators need to do is work on a bill; I'd like to introduce this. I know this isn't officially the Senate but youíre a senator. You need a bill sent to the floor so that I stop getting foot fungus from some of these motel chains and they need to have a minimum standard to sterilize these bath tubs before people pay their money because it might be $49 for the room but you're gonna spend a couple hundred dollars trying to scrape this rotting foot skin off of your heel and then to get the some of these foot medications they aren't cheap either. Dr. Scholl, Dr. Scholl is not a good doctor in terms of him caring about anyone with the prices he charges for some of his creams. (Adomian) Well, I would say that, I would say this, that first of all you need adequate fungal health care. You should be able to have a specialist and if Dr. Scholl's is too corporate for what your needs are I think there's a number of other doctors. Personally I have suffered from some of the same problems. (Hamburger) Okay. (Adomian) You know, I am a middle aged man and Iím starting to have some problems. Of course you notice that I have the orthopedic shoes. I gave up long ago trying to cure athlete's foot with topical medication. What I do now is I put, my shoes are full of liquid tea tree oil everywhere I go. (Hamburger) Okay, I'll try that. (Adomian) They are sealed tight but they are full of just a swimming pool of liquid tea tree oil. There's so much fungus down there there's no way it can have any effect but it just keeps it so it doesn't grow out like a monster. (Hamburger) I noticed that the minute I walked on the stage but the scent of the camphor but also the tea tree oil. (Adomian) Tea tree oil I've also got Vickís Vaporub but it's a generic version that I have imported from Canada. (Hamburger) Well, the CVS one is very good too and it's very inexpensive you can get that for about a dollar ninety-nine and it's still in the nice little blue containers. When they empty those out you can put honey in that when you're traveling and add it to your tea rather than carrying the full honey pot, you know, on the road. (Adomian) Are you in danger of being pulled over by the TSA for having too much honey? (Hamburger) Well thatís another issue; yeah, I got pulled over by the TSA because I had some of my souvenir Neil Hamburger souvenir refrigerator magnets that we were selling on the road but they get a stack of 20 or 30 magnets and it sets off the alarm that you're some sort of terrorist. Well that's not what America's about. I should be allowed to sell refrigerator magnets without having an invasive body search. (Adomian) Well I empathize with some of what youíre saying. (Hamburger) Some! (Adomian) I disagree with some minor points. I would say that I have had experience with magnets; I tried some alternative therapies. Yes, when I was younger in Brooklyn I tried some alternative therapies for this or that illness. (Hamburger) Do they work for bedbugs? (Adomian) Unfortunately what it does is that it magnetizes them so all the bedbugs instead of being into the bed under the covers would suddenly be swept up next to the windows or the heating grate and then you've got just a sort of a wallpaper of bedbugs not unlike the lights in his room just sort of magnetized and pulled up. It was a fun little piece of science fiction but it was rough to bring a date home. (Hamburger) But then you can take a hammer and just smash them all and then you get a good night's sleep. (Adomian) Yeh, but right before you crawl up in your Murphy bed and it springs up into the wall. I have a feeling you're like me — you have a Roger Rabbit style existence, that way. (Hamburger) Well, yes, yes that's a fair way of putting it, elegant way of putting it.
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(Adomian) You're a humble man for your personal needs the way I am. (hamburger) I'd like to think so. (Adomian) Yeah, do you, what is it, when you go on the road and you're in a room what is the ideal set up is there a bed or is that too much. (Hamburger) Well, the ideal setup is that the place that doesn't have this grime on the floor so that your bare feet end up black when you're leaving the room; the ideal setup is that they have free soap and shampoo and conditioner and that there's not rust in the tap water you turn the water on and it comes out in it; you gotta leave it running for five minutes before it's clear, you know, and that's a very demoralizing when you've got a show to do that night. (Adomian) Or you stay where it is; are you staying at some bed-and-breakfasts that are rotten? (Hamburger) Well, it's the Super Eight bed-and-breakfast; it's about 40 miles from here just outside of Baltimore. (Adomian) I would never trust a corporation hotel store; I only go with Classic homes or inns. (Hamburger) So you stay in your friend's house then? (Adomian) Like I've never slept outside of my home without crashing on someone's couch. (Hamburger) Okay, well that's also bedbugs a lot of the fans that I have unfortunately are very slovenly people and usually because they're, you know, male with no female in their lives. (Adomian) Thatís typically the audience you attract. (Hamburger) well, unfortunately it really has been. (Adomian) Unfortunately, I've had a few of those assholes myself; they get online, they make people feel uncomfortable. Here we are. (Hamburger) They do. (Adomian) Weíre doing this instead of the thing in the White House. Oh, you mention this, so men without a woman in their life — do you have someone in your life now? (Hamburger) Well, I have, I've been divorced. So there is that. (Adomian) So have I, so have I. You've been through the big D, huh? (hamburger) Yeah, but I still keep the ring on, you know, as sort of a keepsake. (Adomian) Well, I lost all my wedding rings by gesturing during speeches long ago, long ago. As soon as my wife Jane said yes I was flinging rings. (Hamburger) So you're not retaining fluids in your fingers like I have been over the last few years and they fatten up like sausages, you know. (Hamburger) I couldn't get this ring off if I wanted. Honestly, you'd have to saw the finger off, I think, and then slip it off the bottom. (Adomian) Or have you tried Three Stooges type of soap (Hamburger) banana cream pie (Adomian) slapping yourself in the face or something. (Hamburger) I'm not gonna do that; that's, that was that baseball pitcher. You saw that guy the other day that was all over the news he lost the game and he punched himself in the face; very very funny but also a little sad in a sense. (Adomian) I punched myself in the face when I failed to stop the Iraq war. I tried, I tried and I didn't filibuster long enough but so I said Bernie, bam, right there. (Hamburger) Well, you better, you better. There may be more war soon so to avoid punching yourself please do something about that because we need to be able to work to tell our jokes and things and it's very hard when the bombs are falling at the nightclubs and that sort of thing. (Adomian) Let me ask you this — so this might be my final question before I open it up to the audience. (Hamburger) Are you ill? (Adomian) Well, I don't mean my final question; I'm very healthy, I'm very healthy. I, I play racquetball; I do, I do a hundred and twenty sets of arm waves every day. (Hamburger) Thatís impressive. (Adomian) I go up the Capitol Steps and back down the Capitol Steps every time I eat a sandwich. (Hamburger) Capital One steps? Because I used their ATM the other day. Capital One, one of the sponsors here and there were only three steps to get intoÖ (Adomian) They sponsor the festival, they donít sponsor me. What's in your wallet? Okay, Iíll tell you what's in my wallet — cash and not much of it. (Hamburger) Hey, I can relate. (Adomian) So let me ask you have you ever considered running for office. Well, I inspired a lot of young people like yourself to run for office. Alexandria Acacio-Cortes, most recently. Running for office and doing fantastically in the Bronx. Have you thought about running yourself? (Hamburger) I'd like to run for the office of America's most beloved comic and then you get to do shows all the time and get paid by the taxpayers and that sort of thing so that's what I'll be running for if you please could put the wheels into motion. (Adomian) If I win and I'm able to establish a poet laureate type position for the national comedian, which is a long shot within a long shot, then you're the guy that I'll go to third. (Hamburger) Well then youíll have my vote but the other two guys are not so hot so, oh, please reconsider. (Adomian) your good names I'll be out there so you can kill them. (Hamburger) I already know who they are and I Donít like them. (Adomian) Would you mind taking a couple of questions from the crowd? (Hamburger) Oh yeah, I suppose I mind yeah. (Adomian) Well, we're gonna do it any way. Folks, do you have a question for Neil Hamburger or me? I (Hamburger) Donít all speak at once. (Adomian) I don't know if I could see; I have a nearly fatal case of myopia but I manage it as best I can. Well yeah, we got one right up there with the sunglasses on his head looking like he came in from California or Miami. (Questioner) I actually am from South Carolina. (Adomian) But you sound like you're from a party, party place. (Questioner) I was born and raised here in DC. In the South they don't like you very muchÖ (Hamburger) You're rude, you're very rude. (Adomian) You talking about me or him? (Hamburger) How much did you pay to get in here to talk with that toilet mouth? (Questioner) absolutely free. Iím on a college student budget.
Weíre both in college now. This is for both of you. What happened to free college man? I mean, I mean I'm head deep in debt. (Adomian) Okay, I think I get the gist of your question, Myrtle Beach. Thank you for piping up there. Free college, free college. (Hamburger) Weíve got a freeloader here in the audience; he comes to the free show and asks for free college. Do you need free drinks, too sir? (Adomian) It sounds like he's had a couple. (Laughter) Look, I believe in free college, I also, I think this is, I didn't get to articulate it on the road in the campaign but I personally believe that psilocybin mushrooms should be given freely to American students in college. I think they should be not only legalized but free. I think just the stem, the stem should be free. The head you should have to pay for but psilocybin mushrooms are so vital to a creative economy I think that we should encourage that. (Hamburger) But I think it's what creates people like that whose brains are scrambled so there's a dark side to it as well. (Adomian) I prefer my brains to be over medium when I can get them that way. (Hamburger) Fair enough. (Adomian) I forgot what the first part of the question was. (Hamburger)It was what more can I have for free? I need it all. Give me something; I need some new shoes. Get out of here. (Adomian) We're gonna try to tend to your needs but maybe not. (Hamburger) I'm not, I don't want to help him. (Adomian) He's against you. I don't know, I'm ambivalent; I could go either way. Oh, he said I didn't do very well in the South. I have a new strategy for next time I'm running, and yes, surprise surprise, I'm running. We're gonna try to get southern voters by sponsoring a NASCAR car, a Bernie Sanders NASCAR and it's going to but it's not gonna be corporate sponsored at all it's gonna be completely blank and it's just gonna make left turns but we're gonna stop the signal because we're gonna obey all the traffic laws so there will be a completely blank car all-white ridiculously too white and it is only gonna be making signaled left turns around a NASCAR track. (Hamburger) That'll be quite a race. (Adomian) Thank you. Was there one more quick question for Mr. Hamburger? Somebody sitting I think right here in the front. Did you raise your hand, sir? Well, ask it to me and then Iíll throw it to him. (Hamburger) Iíll throw in my two cents. (Questioner) Senator Sanders what was your reaction to concerns that the Democrats rigged the primaries against you in the 2016 election? (Adomian to Hamburger) Do you want to take this one? (Hamburger) Yeah, no they didn't rig it against me. I didn't ask for any votes and I didn't get any so I feel that there's no truth to that. (Adomian) You're a natural; they could have used you in Tammany Hall. Look I think there was some vote rigging but one of the things that I'm very bad at is standing up for myself so that's the, that's the best that I'm gonna tell you there. I was it was unfortunate that a lot of my supporters tried to vote for me and they were like hahaha too bad you can't vote but you have to come back and vote after your guy is out of the race. That sucks; that's too bad. But I guess I'm not good enough to stand up for what I believe in on that particular issue. Thank you for bringing it up, thank you. (Hamburger) And that's a real question, not like the other guy, (Adomian) Well, like America you could you know there's a there's a back and forth. (Hamburger) A lot of nuts. (Adomian) Thereís a thesis and an antithesis. Neil Hamburger thank you for joining us. you can stick around if you want or you can leave itís up to you. (Hamburger) I have to do my own show. (Adomian) Neil Hamburger, everybody, he's upstairs after this. Thank you so much. Sisters brothers, are you here? Are you good? You're happy? Okay, that's an ambivalent response. Okay, all right, youíre there, let me let me say a few things. All right, Barack ObamaÖ (to audience member) What? Just that? I got a laugh on that? I could retire on that. it's better than anything Don Rickles got. Well I'm hearing, I'm hearing that same voice from the back of the room and I'm not sure if someone is objecting to what I'm saying or agreeing with what I'm saying or if they stuck behind one of the curtains. We will find out and we will make sure you have the emergency care you need. By the way I've been carrying this around with me; I've got a large stack of papers here. I just keep some press clippings and I also I have a calendar man the Bern that I, I keep with me at all times just to inspire myself about just how attractive some of the folks are that supported me. Look, I am straight but I'm not narrow let's put it that way, a very attractive man, that's a very. I would do whatever we wanted I would do it. Janeís cool, Janeís cool. We know all about our former lovers and everything. I look I've had a moment with the current and then Governor of California Jerry Brown. We went to a movie together. It was a screening of Star Wars and we sat next to each other. There was some popcorn what do you know. I donít want to be too crass about it but we got down to the kernels in the popcorn ball so I am no stranger to that. Also, if we're talking about my dating experience I once dated Betty Boop when I was very young. Betty Boop taught me a lot sexually when I was a young man and I needed to learn those things and she taught me how to perform cunnilingus and I learned to make sure that Betty Boop was satisfied and the way you could tell that was an exclamation point would pop out of the top of her head. We had some fun times. So, Barack Obama, I wanted to say has been pegged by Netflix and he is he's overseeing some producing some stuff for Netflix and I'm a little bit jealous about that or so I was hoping that I could have maybe some TV deals. I didn't want to do Direct TV; I'm fundamentally philosophically opposed to DIRECTV. I think there should be some socialist bureaucratic entities in between the TV and the viewer. Amazon was out, Amazon was out from beginning. Jeff Bezos not a friend. Jeff Bezos pulled out of business my favorite bookstore, as I said before, PG Book House and I fondly remember that the cat in the book store used to sit on a stack of Iran books and that was the best use those books were ever put to. Jeff Bezos put out those independent bookstores out of business and so I'm not interested in Amazon Studios. I'm looking into, and look let's face it, C-Span, they get a little bit racy. I'm not sure I want to develop a program at c-Span so we are looking to develop a program at Amtrak studios, Amtrak Studios and maybe it'll play it'll play in the car while you're on the train and it'll go out because the signal isn't strong enough. I like DC – Amtrak jokes work. I think, I think, I was, I think I'm ready for my second guest here if you can handle it. So sit down, buckle up good, buckle up, change your diapers, wipe your ass, our second guest is about it's a terrible way to bring someone out but look we're gonna move forward; we're gonna make some wrong moves and we're gonna move forward just like me or Karl Marx or whatever you want to say. Dut, dut, dut, dut, dut, dut. Look my next guest is a columnist for The Washington Post, a newspaper that hates me; it despises me but personally she's been nothing but kind and I want to ask her her opinions; she's an opinion writer and so I want to welcome, please a very, very talented writer, Alexandra Petri. [Applause] How You doiní? (Petri) Great. (Adomian) So Alexandra you are an opinion writer so what is your opinion? (Petri) That's a very existential question because there are so many different things to have opinions about, You can have hot takes, regular takes. (Adomian) just hot takes, I heard about this; I've logged on to Twitter twice: once to retrieve my password and once to log out and I hear about this thing called a hot take and what is it, what is it like pancakes? it's like a stack of them with maple syrup? What do you got? (Petri) It's mostly sort of a waffle. I would say. (Adomian) very good (Petri) it emerges and you take a bite of it and you're like I ate that and I feel regret now. (Adomian) An opinion that is considered regrettable or even toxic. (Petri) Yes, it feels good going in and then on the way out like what was this, So I shouldn't slander waffles like that. Waffles are usually quite delicious; I take back my anti waffle stance. I'm sure as a Vermonter you have like a pro waffle thing. (Adomian) Well I like maple but I should say this, my diet normally consists of oatmeal and raw data. Donít assume. Vegan butter, I have vegan butter melts in your mouth and on the plate. (Petri) Does it try to claim that it's not butter? Is it like I Can't Believe Itís Not Butter? I'm certain this is not butter. (Adomian) It's very convincing with that argument, yes. (Petri) It's like I'm definitely not butter, don't even think I'm butter. (Adomian) What's the name of the guy, the model who did I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, the handsome man? (Petri) Oh, Fabio. (Adomian) Fabio. Yeah, (Petri) that tragic roller coaster accident. (Adomian) I saw that and that's when I outlawed having seagull sanctuaries next to theme parks in the state of Vermont. I was able to lean on the governor at the time. Howard Dean. (Petri) That was very big of you. (Adomian) Howard Dean is a real shit face and I disagrees. Howard Dean is a a real goat of a man. Heís an ugly person and I'm saying that so that means something. Howard Dean looks like a Pieter Bruegel painting if you zoomed in on one of the demons but we worked together when we were in Vermont politics together. (Petri) Well, it's important to work together with Bruegel paintings. (Adomian) Alexandra, you write for The Washington Post; they've taken some harsh views on me; I believe there was one day at the campaign where they had what, 500 negative stories about me in one calendar day? (Petri) Well, see that's the trouble. The thing about the internet is it allows you to have almost infinite numbers of negative stories about anyone on any given day. (Adomian) You're not limited by the printing press. (Petri) Right, the pages would limit you so you could have like ten on one page and that would be sort of tops and those would have to be printed very small, like really not readable at all. (Adomian) Well, the way I say things I don't personally use the internet; I have it printed out every morning for me on a mimeograph; I have everything I need to read printed out on purple paper and a mimeograph machine, you might remember, from a elementary school or something like that. So I don't personally, I donít read the internet and I say ìthat looks good; reply to it; that looks bad. Make sure that we send some trolls and crazy people to harass that person. (Petri) I wondered how that, what the mechanism was for sending the trolls. (Adomian) I do it by hand, by pen I give all my internet moves before 8:00 in the morning I'm done with the internet. (Petri) You know, cuz usually I'll get like my voice I'll go to my voicemails and there will be people there and they will have strong opinions about things like that they're expressing sort of from beyond the grave and I'm always sort of like how did this person get that information, given that it doesn't sound from their voice like they've internetted ever, but it's you call them. (Adomian) I've done it very rarely, I've done it very rarely, Iíve logged on to Pornhub just to see if there's any parodies that have me (laughter) and there are and I'm happy to say that I've been portrayed as both the top and the bottom because I believe, I believe in versatility for the American people. Let me ask you this what do you think about the situation with Donald Trump? Well, what is your opinion. (Petri) Mostly my opinion is that it's bad; I think it's a hot take, one of those hot takes we heard about earlier, that itís bad. (Adomian) That's a hot take but it's good that's a tasty cake. (Petri) Yeah, don't even need to put any syrup on that. You know that I mean the Donald Trump situation — I wish that it were in a snow globe so I could watch it happening instead of having to live in the snow globe where it is happening; that's sort of how I feel about it. (Adomian) Right, if you're living in the snow globe when it's turned upside down and you go hey, (Petri) thatís my stuff, there goes my little tiny house thing.
(Adomian) why did you do that and maybe the price could be lower. (Petri) Yeah, stop shaking. My stuff is all in here instead of being able to sort of observe it in like, a, Oh like there's that thing that I leave on the table and periodically I move it around because my papers are underneath it. I live in a rich universe in which my snow globe is taking part. (Adomian) Youíre a snow globe fan? I don't need a snow globe, I live in Vermont (Adomian) You walk outside and you're like this is fantastic. If I could I would not buy this at the airport. Let me ask you, I think if, I if amongst the frequent callers to the Howard Stern radio program Donald Trump is probably the worst one who could have been president. Are you familiar with Howard Stern and who would have you were gone with besides Donald Trump (Petri) Oh, man. (Adomian) as president of the United States? You know, I think the guy who called Donald Trump from within the Howard Stern Show, I think that guy, he could probably be. (Adomian) Yeah, Jackie the Joke Man. I would think even Robin Quivers would make a fantastic president I would say even BaBa Booey would have made a better chief executive of our country. (Petri) Oh man. (Adomian) What a mess. (Petri) It sounds like, oh man, I have to confess I have not listened to Howard Stern personally although I have read the Wikipedia page to learn that BaBa Booey was a person and not just an exclamation which I sort of thought. (Adomian) Well, you do your research; itís important to do your research. Yeah, well, look I think I edited that Wikipedia page. That's the only other website I've been to. Let me ask you this: the Supreme Court is looking bad and I mean that (Petri) I think Ruth looks very healthy (Adomian) Well, yeah, sure. (Petri) I think she looks as fit as you can look. (Adomian) I know she's a vigorous opponent; we played racquetball together. There's some applause from the back of the room; that's good but we're in a bad situation. Donald Trump has nominated Neil Gorsuch and now, you know, this Kavanaugh guy. yeah my concern is that Donald Trump, even if we stop this guy Kavanaugh, is that itís just gonna get worse and worse if he gets to make more Supreme Court nominations, what's next, the Judge Doom from Roger Rabbit? (Petri) Well, I think Roger Rabbitís in our shared universe, so I hope Judge Doom but I don't know. I think my theory is like, I'm just worried about Merrick Garland mostly because he's off marching around with his like cloak on his back going to where he hopes that someone will not have heard of the judiciary branch so that he can start Plant his ore and start anew there. He's got his rusty sword, he's marching through the countryside and none hears his cry none but America. (Adomian) But so poetic. (Petri) itís very poetic because He's not being used on the Supreme Court because he's been betrayed. (Adomian) Well, what could we look forward to? Who should be a justice if you had your pick? (Petri)Ooh, Merrick Garland. Thatís my hot take. (Adomian) Just to go straight back to Merrick Garland (Petri) Merrick garland but like, oh you, you get something and you think maybe this is a refrigerator, that's something Donald Trump would put on the Supreme Court, but then you open it up but it's Merrick Garland inside. He smuggled in, he's gotten there. (Adomian) Yeah, we could play a little, right, yeah, Donald Trump is such a big fan of the Russian nesting dolls maybe we could trick him. (Petri) Yes, full matryoshka. (Adomian) nominating a large egg and then it opens up and the real Supreme Court nominee is inside one of the smaller nesting dolls. (Petri) You roll it up the steps Lady Gaga style. She perfected the delivery mechanism; we just need to emulate that. (Adomian) Yeah, hey, look you thought you were nominating Oliver North but inside inside, inside Oh Tina Turner. Look he is hollow inside so. (Adomian) Do you live in the District or in Virginia? (Petri) I live in the District so my vote is sort of decorative. (Adomian) You know, you know how badly I did in the election in Fairfax County? I received negative three percent of the vote in Fairfax County, Virginia. (Petri) I'm sorry. (Adomian) That's the way it works. (Petri) I think it's mostly like George Washington's ghost there, though so don't feel too bad. (Adomian) How do you feel now youíre with the news all day, You work at the Washington Post. Do they still have the loud typewriters? The last time I was over there, there was just loud typewriters everywhere you went. (Petri) I barely go into the office anymore because the typewriters are so loud. (Adomian) Thatís sort of what the news sounded like for most of my hundred years on earth. (Petri) And sometimes you see Robert Redford walking down the hallway and he's just like, spike it; get me the rewrites, sweetheart. (Adomian) So it's still like that spike it, I need coffee, yeah, people barking at each other and going hey, a woman in the newsroom, all right I'll allow it. (Petri) No, that was my favorite when all the movies came out they were like the detail that everyone got the most right was how poorly journalists dress and I'm like yeah they did get that right. (Adomian) Look I've been wearing the same suit that I've slept in for 12 years. (Petri) Yeah, the artfully rumpled look is what I prefer to call it. (Adomian) This is the same suit I've been wearing since the Democrats took back the Congress when Bush was president in 2006. yeah I actually I've been meaning to order some new rumpled suits from JCPenney. (Petri) Yeah it's like you get the jeans with the holes in them and you get the suit and it's been sort of distressed beforehand. (Adomian) There was something, I wanted to ask you this, there was some news, some very new News ñ thatís the definition of news, there was some news about Vladimir Putin and I'm not a fan because he's a billionaire and I hate billionaires. Now it's a billion rubles so there's that but still and I don't know if you know there's the top 1% of Russian oligarchs controlled 90% of rubles. (Petri) I didn't know that fact. (Adomian) And the bottom 99 percent, the lumpen proletariat, controls almost 1 percent. That's some Russian jokes that are a little bit half-baked. Let me ask you this: Russia and Putin, there was a possibility of a deal, I think it's a very bad idea, where they wanted to take former ambassador McFaul in exchange for some of the twelve Russians who would be queried by the investigation that Mueller is doing. Do you think it's a bad idea and do you think there's anybody else we could send as a hostage besides McFaul? (Petri) Well, besides McFaul I feel like Donald Trump has invited Vladimir Putin to come and hang out in Washington and he could sort of go and just hang out in Moscow for an indefinite period of time and just really like we could he could stay there he could have a nice visit. (Adomian) This sounds almost like a Game of Thrones hostage swap situation. (Petri) Yeah, it's like there is Marcella, like good luck, goodbye and I will just be sitting here with my wildfire I assumed. (Adomian) I don't know if I trust Vladimir Putin here in the District and I mean I would wonder how long it would take him to end up in the Potomac. (Petri) Well, the Potomac is what killed JFK, no I'm kidding, that's what my crew instructor always used to say. It's like don't fall in this water, that's how JFK died. (Adomian) I think the people that killed JFK live very close to here waiting to cross the river. It's, so you can go down there I don't like to but I've been there and they did it and that'll come out sooner or later. Thatís my personal belief that I also never talk about. So you think, who could we send, you think we could Donald Trump and we exchange him for Putin; that would be a zero to zero trade. (Petri) Yeah, what they call zero-sum game in like in politics. I believe Marco Rubio is always talking about how like that's how Putin views the world. (Adomian) I never listened to Marco Marco Rubio. Was there any sense to it or was it just Miami money talking? (Petri) No, I don't think you missed much; I said I summarized it in those three words. (Adomian) So Russia, Russia, no easy solution but maybe if we come up with some comical solutions we could try to get a laugh out of it. (Petri) Yeah all right fine let's try to get another couple of questions. Is Juliet here? Juliet, Juliet my sweet, if I, uh oh, if I've missed Juliet I might have to pull off the Romeo part of the play. There you are! Please give her a round of applause to Juliet (applause) she's gonna help you give questions. I think I have overlooked the back of the room and I can't necessarily see them. Can I trust you to ask someone. Be very nice to Juliet, please, if you're gonna ask a question of her and we're gonna we could Juliet. (Petri) There is an audience here, thatís exciting.
(Adomian) also oh I'm sorry, yeah, it was dark, it was dark, it looked like we were just talking to the lights. Look I think I'm I think everything even if I'm just by myself it's streaming somewhere on c-span or The Young Turks or whatever so what do you got back there? (Questioner) Well, welcome from the back. I love your column; it's an honor to be yelled at (Adomian) You talking to me or her about the column? column. Do you have have rows there or do you have columns, I don't know. (Adomian) Oh, there's a tough guy. (Questioner) So you were talking about Howard Stern and Donald Trump earlier; what do you think about Donald Trump's appearance on the Tom Leykis radio program, Senator Sanders? (Adomian) All right, so this sounds like a guy it sounds like a guy who's familiar with some arcane comedy references to a shock jock radio host from drive time Los Angeles radio. I don't know how you got here to the District of Columbia but I do think that Donald Trump is unfortunately the same core sort of toxic audience that Tom Leykis would be into. Let me ask you it this way, Alexandra, there's a toxic masculinity and you might see it in somebody like Tom Leykis, who I never Leykis, or Donald Trump or some of the people that fall into those categories. What can be done about men who hate women on the radio or in the White House in the Oval Office. (Petri) Oh man, you should have asked me this question back when I had hope that we could fix this problem. Kidding, I'm kidding. We can fix it; we can just raise people differently or rear them differently. You're supposed to rear children and raise vegetables so that may have been some of the confusion. (Adomian) So we got to get to them when theyíre young. (Petri) Yeah, women are people, which may surprise you and if you could just convince enough guys that women are people then like I think we'll see great results. (Adomian) And if a guy is already on the radio doing a hateful afternoon drive women are this, woman are that type show you could probably just turn it off or if you see him you could say tsk tsk or even slap him on the cheek. (Petri) yeah, no you can say no not the redhead, not tonight my friend; you know just do your thing. (Adomian) I liked it very much. All right, one more question for Alexandra Petri, Washington Post, politics of the day. I can't see, I can't see at all. Is Juliette still here? I hear. yes I'm sorry I hear a voice. (Questioner) Mr. Sanders, we have a Mickey Mouse in the White House; now we have a Donald Duck. Is there any way that maybe Scooby-Doo will be the next president? (Adomian) Thank you, this is a very interesting question and maybe I want to throw this to you. He's asking since we have Donald Duck in the White House if Scooby-Doo could be next if I'm correctly paraphrasing this. What do you think? I think the fact if I might — and I love, I love to pretend that I'm throwing the focus to a woman and then also take it back for myself ñ (Petri) I've noticed that in you. (Adomian) Itís one of my favorite things to do and I'm working on it but I'm also letting myself be as bad as I always was. Donald Duck is forced by Disney CEO, Bob Iger, to work without pants, to work without health insurance and I think that's unfair. He has to work simultaneously worldwide in five different theme parks. You can understand his outbursts and his anger from time to time. (Petri) That's true but he does have a giant pile of money, which if you're pantsless, it's good to at least have a giant pile of money that you can bounce and float around on. (Adomian) Oh yes, Scrooge McDuck his Uncle Scrooge McDuck. (Petri) I assumed he was inheriting the McDuck family fortune. Has he been cut out of the will? (Adomian) I am in favor, I am in favor of instituting in Duckburg very strict estate, estate taxes in Duckburg. I think that Scrooge McDuck controls over four-fifths of the wealth in Duckburg and Saint Canard if you're a Darkwing Duck fan and I think the working-class ducks like a launch pad deserve a bigger share of the pie. (Petri) Well, I think if Donald Duck is willing to forego his share in the duck legacy, then surely I mean the duck dynasty should end there. (Adomian) Thank you, yes, that's the duck dynasty, we can handle that kind of duck dynasty very well. (Petri) I have to say I saw their musical and it was terrific. In Las Vegas they had a brief, short lived Duck Dynasty musical and if you missed it, it was really something. (Adomian) A Duck Dynasty musical. (Petri) Yes. (Adomian) They just do the whistles back and forth? (Petri) They had an opening song about how he invented the duck, duck call that went (sings) Think about the hunter man out there in his duck blind face covered in grease paint (speaks) and then it sort of went on from there. (Adomian) But you know if I were writing it from scratch and I have to talk, I have to talk to the Hamilton folks downstairs about this. If I were gonna write a duck dynasty thing I would have a beautiful Swan Lake-type dance number, a pas de deux, if I believe correctly. Yes I would have just two ducks romantically circling each other in the opening number and then bam, bam and then they're shot by the idiots from Duck Dynasty and then the rest of the play is a meditation on the evils of gun ownership in this country. Would you get on board with that? (Petri) I'm very onboard with that. Iím excited by your gun evolution. (Adomian) Thank you for joining me Alexandra. You can stick around if you want. (applause) By all means, make yourself comfortable miss; thank you, thank you Alex. Oh, I've got two microphones now. Thank You, Alexandra Petri. This is almost too much power for an independent senator from Vermont. This is, I think that for far too long we've worked with just one microphone and I think it's time to have a two or three microphone system in this country. I don't know where I wasn't Where wasn't I? I think, All right folks I hope I'm not stressing you out here. Letís get rid of this dumb thing.
There we go, let's look forward to the midterm election. I am a professor emeritus at Burlington College, which you might know was famously run into the ground by my wife. Duh, duh, duh, duh. I don't believe it's a scandal it's actionable in any way but I'm just addressing the reality as I know it to be talked about. Look, so I can give you some advice for aceing this midterm as a professor emeritus of democratic socialism at Burlington Vermont: run to the left and when you think you've run too far to the left turn left and then when you just think there's nothing to the left of this, leap to your left as far as you can. That's how you win elections. I know there's a lot of centrists in the room and I hear them grumbling but guess what, Crowley went down, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We won Alexandria hyphen Cortez. what a fantastic, I just love the idea of Alexandria Ocasio hyphen Cortez. I think, thank you for correcting me, both times. I think it's so fantastic to have a candidate and soon a congresswoman who has my ideas and yet none of the unfortunate aspects of my candidacy — the rosacea, none of the brittle bones, none of the circulation problems, and none of the clicky thing that happens with my thumb when I go to pick up a can of cream soda. There are some bright spots in our body politic. I wouldn't say a thousand points of light because I'm opposed to the Bush family and the Carlyle Group but I would say that there are some very promising 40 watt bulbs that are strung together and they are only minimally flickering. (unintelligible) recently was elected president of a neighboring country, Mexico. Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador and Iím very flattered that people have referred to him as the Mexico's version of Bernie I don't think that's fair to him we are similar in some ways. I called him and offered some slogans and he politely declined; I offered him the slogan AMLO ñ A-M-L huh huh Obrador ñ and he said no, he didn't go for that. it was a pun on the AMCO radio ads, if you remember that. And tickle me, Amlo, he didnít go for that. But he was, he expressed interest. I gave him his slogan just to use if he does stump speeches around Mexico if he needs this I got one for him and itís this: el primera uno por ciento del pueblo tiene mas dinero que el bajo noventa in nueve por ciento del pollo pas de esto est√° muy mal. Thank you, thank you I was impressed with myself with that as well. Look, people say you're gonna take on Donald Trump? Yes I think, well how is your candidacy gonna be different, Bernie? Let me say this first and foremost, I'm gonna be older than I was four years ago, specifically four calendar years older than I was at the already comically advanced age that I was when I ran for president in 1876. But that doesn't hold you back, you still see the Rolling Stones – the oldest Rolling Stone I'm only five years older than him. You still go see those assholes in concert. I get bigger crowds than the Rolling Stones, so look Iím a seventy-something year old man and so you're gonna come see me just like the Rolling Stones if you need me, yes, I will play Let It Bleed; I'm talking about my hip, in my case. I don't watch the steps on the way up and down from the stage and my message to the billionaire class will be we will never be your beast of burden and yes I'm talking about the American people. Look, if you haven't seen on two old men fighting that's the kind of election that's not good for a country but it is fun to watch. Two old bastards, one of them overweight the other one a little bit shaky in the arms, fighting over a fence. Normally you see two old guys they're fighting over a fence between their houses. We are fighting over a fence of much larger proportions and importance. Get ready! If it's Donald Trump vs. Bernie Sanders, strap on your diaper; you're ready for a Donnybrook, Iíll tell you, God dammit. That is gonna be fun for at least me and I promise you (mumbles). Also, I promise that as last time I will always fly coach when I fly in an airplane. Even if I am elected president I will also fly in economy class. I will make sure that Air Force One for the first time has economy class and I will board in zone 4 after anybody who is in a drum circle or anyone who has urgently needed patchouli for the White House. I have another guest and I hope you're ready for him because I am and I'm starting to get hungry and the only thing I can eat because my doctor said is a grilled cheese sandwich. What? I lost Jeff on the grilled cheese, sorry. Vegan impossible burger, grilled cheese oh comes the one vegan. Look, I'm in favor of. Look, I am I am wrong on this issue; I eat meat but I caucus with the vegetarians and the vegans. Is that enough? Folks, I have one more guest and I'm very, I'm pleased as punch, I hope, am I ready? That tickled somebody in the back. Your next performer is gonna be seen and, uh, we're gonna take some questions again after this so stick around if you got a question. Our next performer joins us as part of the festival. I believe he is from Washington DC originally and who knows where he ends up. Now let's find out; he's at the festival this weekend. Please welcome Jamel Johnson. (applause) if you havenít met, that's Alexandra Petri. Jamel Johnson, how are you doing? (Johnson) How are you doing how you doing, Bernie Bernard? How you doing? (Adomian) Well, I'm only getting older but my ideas are catching up with me in their youth and vigor. It was a little bit too poetic, wasn't it? How are you? (Johnson) I'm doing all right man, happy to be back in the city. Give a round of applause to yourselves everybody in the crowd. You guys look great, yeah. (Adomian) Are you from the district? Are you from the region? You're from Maryland, Virginia or Washington DC. sounds like a majority of them and they sound like they're taking notes for intelligence agencies instead of enjoying the program in the moment. You're from you're from DC? (Johnson) I am from Woodbridge, Virginia, by way of Arlington County. (Adomian) very important, (Johnson) low Virginia, low in Northern Virginia. (Adomian) I walk by, sometimes I go jogging down into Virginia. I follow the same route that George McClellan took; it's about five miles and then you stop and you just sit there and then you go back. That's a McClellan joke, thank you! So how you doing? You having a festival. Is this your first night here? (Johnson) Yeah, yeah. Got in this morning. (Adomian) You live in Los Angeles. (Johnson) Yeah, yeah Iím out there in the land of no parents. (Adomian) The land of no parents; well, for me that is everywhere I go because I am from a time long ago. My parents, do you want to know how old my parents are? (Johnson) Please let me know. (Adomian) My father immigrated to this country on the same boat that Fievel from the American Tale Book in the American Tale movie. (Johnson) Damn, I love the American tale movies. (Adomian) yeah and you know somewhere out there (unintelligible). So, Los Angeles, is it palm trees, is it palm trees, is it Randy Newman, is it, Let's see what my references for Los Angeles are. well palm trees, is it all, is it all palm trees and Philip Marlowe detective stories? (Johnson) A little bit, a little bit. (Adomian) Ever seen Ava Gardner around there? Famous movie stars like Clark Gable? (Johnson) Yeah, I think I saw her niece at Lassen's one time, yeah yeah. (Adomian) A nice little organic grocery store and a delicatessen. (Johnson) Yeah yeah, (Adomian) They have Russian dressing but it's from the Ukraine region of Crimea that was again annexed by the Russian president. So let me ask you this, you vote in California or youíre registered here? (Johnson) You know what, I am registered in California. (Adomian) Registered in California. Yeah, I'm curious because I heard a rumor; did you support me in the election last time? This is a real question you don't have to answer or you could make up an answer to please me or the audience because I think we're on different sides. (Johnson) No no, you know what, Bernard? I think I'm gonna keep it real with you man. I wasnít, I was down I was down with Hillary, man, I was. (Adomian) You were down with Hillary Clinton. That's all right, that's legitimate. I came around a little bit too late but I was there too. (Johnson) yeah I had to man cuz you know I mean I like everything you were saying but um everybody was just acting like they didn't like money any more and it was kind of making me mad. (Adomian) And you like money? (Johnson) I love money. (Adomian) Okay, well, I don't like money. Okay, somebody likes money in the back. Look, I don't disagree and I'm happy to have this vigorous discussion. I don't disagree with someone like you or(points to back of the room) someone like you in the invisible darkness of the exit sign. It doesn't bother me that you like money because I understand that if you have money that's more for us to tax. (Johnson) That's fair and I'll pay it. You know what I mean. I've been paying more than I should for muffins for years so I don't give a shit like any tax I'm down with it. (Adomian) The muffin man, did you know the muffin man controls over Three-fourths of the baker's dozen of the muffins in the tin. (Johnson) I had no idea. (Adomian) That is, so that is about that three and a quarter muffins I believe, if Iím doing the math correctly. Imagine if you have never cut a muffin in fourths, then you have never gone through the heartache of having to cut straight through a blueberry just to have a modest breakfast. (Johnson) That's a, that's a pretty sick and deep analogy I'd say. (Adomian) So you voted for Hillary Clinton, I'm sorry. What do you think, what do you think, where do we go next? Do we give up? Do we move forward? (Johnson) Nah, more tweets, man. (Adomian) From me? (Johnson) Everybody, we need nine more tweets from everybody in this room, dog. Keep ëem pumpiní. (Adomian) Well, I have a staff that listens to me muttering to myself in the bathroom and they transcribe that and that's my Twitter feed. (Johnson) Thatís beautiful man; I need a couple of interns myself. (Adomian) I am very eloquent when I'm handling my junk. (Johnson) Yeah that's the best time. (Adomian) You want an intern, so you would pay your interns? (Johnson) Of course, absolutely. Does weed count as payment? (Adomian) Look, I'm in favor of weed as payment. I think you're gonna get in trouble with the Securities and Exchange Commission if you use it as currency. (Johnson) Fair enough. (Adomian) They're currently working that out with crypto currencies; I'm in favor of it; I'm in favor of it but I don't have the law on my side so donít take My legal advice. (Johnson) What about Kohl's cash? (Adomian) Which one, who? (Johnson)You know, Kohlís. (Adomian) You mean Kohl's, the store? (Johnson) Yeah. (Adomian) Well, if you have a gift card I, I'm not opposed to it, Sure. (Johnson) okay. (Adomian) What I could really use a little bit of is an ethical cryptocurrency. (Johnson) Hmmmm. (Adomian) I think I want to start Bern Coin. (Johnson) Bern coin? Is that like coins you can like buy fire with? (Adomian) Well. I was, that's a little too literal. I suppose if I tell someone on the telephone that I want Bern Coin, they could get it catastrophically wrong and deliver me 50,000 Bern coins. That's a homonym and it's spelled differently and then I'm on, then I'm on the hook with Smokey the Bear. I was thinking a cryptocurrency with my name, Bern coin and it's completely transparent and so it's utterly worthless. Everybody can see the value and if a billionaire gets a hold of one, it turns immediately into mulch, sustainable mulch. (Johnson) Just a bag of wood chips. (Adomian) Yeh, basically wood chips as currency. Do you think you go there? (Johnson) I'm kind of with it. I miss going to the playground. More wood chips, let's get it. (Adomian) Let me ask you something and I forgive me if I'm overstepping a boundary; are you an African American? (Johnson) Yeah, you know I appreciate you asking. I guess, sure, yeah. (Adomian) What can we do. I am comically white. I am I am like a white guy who shows up in Sanford & Son and goes hey, Mr. Sanford I'm the contagonist for this episode. You gotta pay the money you owe. I don't look like a friend but I'm trying to do the best I can. What can we do? I mean Congress, I haven't anything. (Johnson) Okay I got two ideas. First, ungentrified Whole Foods. (Adomian) That's good; so gentrification of Whole Foods ungentrified. (Johnson) Yeah, we need more ghetto Whole Foods. Whole Foods should be more ghetto, yes. (Adomian) Whole Foods the whole community. (Johnson) Absolutely. (Adomian) I think so. We can regulate the price and the barriers to entry at Whole Foods. That's Jeff, Jeff Bezos, right? (Johnson) Yeah, I'm thinking some sort of uh, it's like an affirmative action thing but like, but like if you got braids, Iím saying everybody every employee should have sick braids. That's step one. Step twoÖ (Adomian) Every employee, yeah even Caucasian Americans, should have sick braids. (Johnson) Yeah, get some Kylie Jenners in there man, fuck it. Do all that. (Adomian) I tried to braid my hair and that's what caused my catastrophic, my catastrophic baldness. I tried to braid it with Jack, with Jack Kerouac back in 1959. (Johnson) I remember that I saw with the two used to have twists like RG III. (Adomian) He pulled it off but for me it was a real, boy oh boy, that was a catastrophe. Well I looked like the Dharma Bums. (Johnson) Okay, next thing. (Adomian mutters) (Johnson) No, I got it. The hood needs to know about good psychedelics. (Adomian) Good psychedelics? (Johnson) Yeah. (Adomian) So you're talking about ayahuasca. (Johnson) Yeah, I'm talking about like high level; let's get some peyote over there, and fucking dr. robotnik level acid. I'm talking about Mario Kart mushrooms jumping out the gym, all that. (Adomian) You know, one time I had TMP that was so strong I was out of my mind for what felt like an entire six year senate term. I was out of my mind and when I came back down; I had the sudden realization, and they would have called me crazy, if I hadn't seen it dimethyltryptamine. I had the idea to run as a nonpartisan candidate for Congress in the state of Vermont and what do you know the dmt little elf demons they took me there and I won. (Johnson) I got the feeling you weren't the first person to think that on DMT, but the most successful, clearly. (Adomian) Thank you. yes I was inspired by Terence Mckenna. When I did DMT, Terence Mckenna showed up and said, hey You should run for Congress and do it as a Socialist and thatís
What I did and that was 1990 and here I am. (Johnson) Nice, I don't know who that is but it sounds like a guy I used to play on an AAU basketball team. (Adomian) Terence Mckenna is almost like a cartoon character of someone who did too much drugs and there's a lot of YouTube videos; he lives on in YouTube. (Johnson) Okay. (Adomian) Like an artificial intelligence. Oh, how do I know this? I don't know this, I'm cheating. Do you want to take some questions from the crowd? (Johnson) sure, yeah. (Adomian) they're almost still into the what I'm doing up here in the show and I thank you. (Johnson)Theyíre hanging around. Everybody here who's just here for central air, god bless you as well. You know what Iím saying. (Adomian) Look there will be more climate refugees whether they're in the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. We're gonna have to get used to shows like this. Juliet, may I, let's ask for some more questions. I see a, I see a hand right behind Myrtle Beach guy. That's right a lot of thisÖ If you've got a question for Jamel, or myself or Alexandra is youíve got a question
(Audience Question. I wonder if you ever hear from Sebastian Gorka? (Adomian) We are starting to hear from some fans of arcane podcats. And let me tell you something. People have demanded that I break the fourth wall
Almost as much as they have demanded that I bow to the two-party system. As much as I despise the two-party system, equally I support the fourth wall. I voted for the fourth wall when President Franklin Roosevelt first introduced it. As part of the WPA and I think it is an essential structure of our New Deal fabric
That must never be repealed. The fourth wall is important. Now I will say this, in character as myself, I will say this,
Sebastian Gorka is a James Bond villain. Sebastian Gorka is the son of Moonraker. He is the dragon of Budapest and all you need to do is read the book
Moonraker to know what heís trying to do. Heís trying to send a missile straight up and it comes straight back down. Itís in the book Moonraker, stop him before itís too late Heís got a sidekick, a guy named Jaws and he can bite through wires And if the deep state is listening get James Bond to stop Sebastian Gorka Itís very simple heís Hugo Drax so thank you for that question. Iím sorry that you tried to derail
what my intention was here Infrastructure for our rail system is too strong Letís get one or two more questions please. Yes, thereís a question back there.
(Audience member) Bernie, your position on prostitution, for or against? My position on prostitution is at a healthy distance where I can support and yet also not be accused I have never paid a prostitute. I have been offered large sums of money to allow people who
Really supported my positions to perform fellatio on me. I demur when people have offered
Me that. Not because Iím not interested in a blow job but because I donít like taking money thatís why But I think itís a valid I think people should be able to have careers as sex workers
And they should have adequate health care but I think also they should certainly not be coerced in any
Way at all. What do you think about sex work or prostitution? Not to put you on the spot. Itís a difficult
Question to answer.
Honestly (Adomian) weíre on stage so anything we say is officially theater, you canít issue any subpoenas or indictments because we are characters on stage this could all be lies. Whatís your answer?
(Johnson) Iím pro-hos
(Adomian) Pro-hos (Johnson) Pro-hos top to bottom.
(Adomian) Top to bottom. Fantastic. Is that a sex act? The top to the bottom?

20 thoughts on “James Adomian: District of Comedy (Bernie Sanders Town Hall)

  1. What the fuck, this is genious, wonderful. I like the 30 minute endorsement riff haha. Please do a Bill Clinton podcast.

  2. The pawns can achieve as much as anything else on the board. They are all about upward mobility.

  3. If you close your eyes enough to watch it through your eyelashes it's like it's actually Bernie lol. Awesome

  4. The top 1 percent of the top 1 percent pay the top 1 percent…..1 percent but of the top 10 percent of the 10 percent of the 1 percent only pay 10 percent

  5. This smear gives us insight into the establishments impression of Bernie. Ill review it and post notes if anyone asks.

  6. James adomian riffing fluently with the crowd is what comedic genius looks like.

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