Jared Singer & Omar Holmon – “Uncle Daycare” (NPS 2014)


When someone gets married,
they get a bridal shower. When they have a child,
they get a baby shower. I’ve got a question… Where the fuck was my uncle shower? Where’s my instruction manual for this? I was damn sure to make sure
I didn’t have any kids. My genetics? Fort Knox. – I’m talking birth control,
– Nonoxynol-9, straight spermicide, son. – I went all-pro in prophylactics.
– Condoms. What! I drink an ocean of Mountain Dew
because it nukes your sperm count. But I never thought you having a kid
would change my life. You know how Lord of the Rings
is supposed to be a grand adventure? All the fellowship had to do
was walk across a few fields and throw a piece of jewelry
into a glorified fireplace. I’m calling bullshit. You want an impossible, magical task? Try putting six nieces and nephews
into the back of a ’96 Toyota Camry, and leading them safely to the zoo. – Between the screaming,
– “I am so great! I am so great!” – …the prying into my life.
– “What’s going on with your beard? Do you have a girlfriend?
How about your stock options?” It is a miracle
I did not ram us into a wall. They say Gandalf the Grey
was a patient wizard. Fuck that! I am Gandalf
the I Will Turn This Car Right Around! Kids, kids are the living embodiment
of Jason Derulo music. Jason Derulo sings his own name
in every song. ♪ Jason Derulo ♪ Upon hearing this for the first time, my nephew shouts out, “Noah Fernando!” – Now, any time he does anything it’s…
– “Noah Fernando!” – …even when he proclaims his innocence. “Noah Fernando.” You think you know vindictive adults? My nephew Harrison’s brother
stole his dessert once. Harrison can’t allow that. Now, whenever no one is looking,
he steals his brother’s dessert, licks it, and puts it back on the plate. You think you know mean girls? I watch my nieces get into it
when Mariah reads her sister’s diary then starts quoting it
like a hip hop disc track. On the outside, I’m like, “This is fucked up,” but on the inside, I’m like, “This shit’s better than Scandal!” You think you know love? My sister tells me
how Noah defends his nanny in the face of a man
shouting at her, telling him, “You are a naughty man.
Stop talking. Go home.” You think you know compassion? After blaming myself
for the worst breakup I will ever have, believing I’d never find love again,
Harrison joins the conversation. “Why are you being so mean to yourself? You’d never let me
talk to myself like that.” But I never thought you having a kid
would change my life. – I always hated kids…
– Until I fell in love with yours. Now I want to have my own, to know I can help
make something this beautiful. (cheers and applause) (man) Give it up for [inaudible],
ladies and gentlemen.

31 thoughts on “Jared Singer & Omar Holmon – “Uncle Daycare” (NPS 2014)

  1. Awwwwwwwwwwww that was beautiful. And hilarious and and and I am totally there with you! My nephews have helped me hate kids less. Lol x

  2. This was fucking amazing! I have the biggest smile on my face with tears running down my cheeks.  I just recently became an aunt for the first time. And I have NEVER wanted to be a mother more then I do now! <3 Bravo to the poets!

  3. Crying because of how utterly beautiful that was. Remembering my uncles, the love and patience they had with me causes emotions to swell. I am loved by my uncles and I will never forget that. Never.

  4. this is so ture i never thought i'd love a child till my niece came to the world then my nephew and then i felt a fraction of the love a mother has for their child.

  5. that was beautiful and so true…love my nephews crazy how they made me see things differently! thumbs up

  6. These two together make sweet sweet poetry has always rocked my world!! #MyCupOfTea…

  7. …seriously though my nieces and nephews give me life! those kids/some not so kid-like anymore hold all the hope, joy, surprise and love i have for humanity!!

  8. Today is my niece's first birthday, and she has shifted my world view in ways that I couldn't even imagine a year ago.

  9. YES. As an auntie to 6 kids, this is ABSOLUTELY ACCURATE. They change your life exactly like they said. Thank you guys for this. <3

  10. Jared Singer   is Amazing  ,    and this   duet is  FANTASTIC  

    My favorite part  :   I'm Gandalf   the I will be turn this car  right around  !   lol   

    Vindictive  and mean girls   and  noah defending his nanny is fantastic too 

  11. I love this – Jason DeRulo, killed me. I love kids, I am a babysitter and this is acurate <3

  12. Beautiful poem. My brother just had a son and I love that kid to death. Only 6 months old and I'd do anything for him. One day I'll have my own and look at my child the same way my brother looks at my nephew. Like he is the most beautiful thing to ever exist on this planet

  13. Such truth! I don't think I knew what  it was like to love someone so much (especially at 15…) until 6 years ago I held my niece. Twenty mins old and eyes wide open. So beautiful <3

  14. I never knew I will love a person so much u till my nephew was born. I love that lil man

  15. I actually designed and ordered a hoodie with “they say Gandalf the great was a patient wizard FUCK THAT I am Gandalf the I will turn this car RIGHT AROUND” on it 😂😂😂😂😂

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