When someone gets married,
they get a bridal shower. When they have a child,
they get a baby shower. I’ve got a question… Where the fuck was my uncle shower? Where’s my instruction manual for this? I was damn sure to make sure
I didn’t have any kids. My genetics? Fort Knox. – I’m talking birth control,
– Nonoxynol-9, straight spermicide, son. – I went all-pro in prophylactics.
– Condoms. What! I drink an ocean of Mountain Dew
because it nukes your sperm count. But I never thought you having a kid
would change my life. You know how Lord of the Rings
is supposed to be a grand adventure? All the fellowship had to do
was walk across a few fields and throw a piece of jewelry
into a glorified fireplace. I’m calling bullshit. You want an impossible, magical task? Try putting six nieces and nephews
into the back of a ’96 Toyota Camry, and leading them safely to the zoo. – Between the screaming,
– “I am so great! I am so great!” – …the prying into my life.
– “What’s going on with your beard? Do you have a girlfriend?
How about your stock options?” It is a miracle
I did not ram us into a wall. They say Gandalf the Grey
was a patient wizard. Fuck that! I am Gandalf
the I Will Turn This Car Right Around! Kids, kids are the living embodiment
of Jason Derulo music. Jason Derulo sings his own name
in every song. ♪ Jason Derulo ♪ Upon hearing this for the first time, my nephew shouts out, “Noah Fernando!” – Now, any time he does anything it’s…
– “Noah Fernando!” – …even when he proclaims his innocence. “Noah Fernando.” You think you know vindictive adults? My nephew Harrison’s brother
stole his dessert once. Harrison can’t allow that. Now, whenever no one is looking,
he steals his brother’s dessert, licks it, and puts it back on the plate. You think you know mean girls? I watch my nieces get into it
when Mariah reads her sister’s diary then starts quoting it
like a hip hop disc track. On the outside, I’m like, “This is fucked up,” but on the inside, I’m like, “This shit’s better than Scandal!” You think you know love? My sister tells me
how Noah defends his nanny in the face of a man
shouting at her, telling him, “You are a naughty man.
Stop talking. Go home.” You think you know compassion? After blaming myself
for the worst breakup I will ever have, believing I’d never find love again,
Harrison joins the conversation. “Why are you being so mean to yourself? You’d never let me
talk to myself like that.” But I never thought you having a kid
would change my life. – I always hated kids…
– Until I fell in love with yours. Now I want to have my own, to know I can help
make something this beautiful. (cheers and applause) (man) Give it up for [inaudible],
ladies and gentlemen.