Loving and Being Loved

Confusingly, we speak of love as one thing, rather than discerning the 2 very different varieties that lie beneath the single word. Being loved, and loving. We can only make a relationship work when we’re ready to do the latter and are aware of our unnatural, immature fixation on the former. We start knowing only about being loved. It comes to seem, very wrongly, like the norm. To the child it feels as if the parent is simply spontaneously on hand: to comfort, guide, tame, feed, clear up, and will remain almost always warm and cheerful. Parents don’t reveal how often they’ve bitten their tongue, fought back the tears, and been too tired to take off their clothes after a day of child care. The relationship is almost always entirely non-reciprocal, the parent loves but they don’t expect the favor to be returned in any significant way: the parent doesn’t get upset when the child doesn’t notice the new haircut, asks carefully calibrated questions about how the meeting at work went, or suggests that they go upstairs and take a nap. Parent and child may both love, but each party is on a very different end of the axis, unbeknownst to the child. This is why adulthood, when we first say we “long for love”, what we predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we are once loved by a parent. We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be administered to and indulged. In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, to be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly, and make it all better. This is, naturally, a disaster; for any relationship to work we need to move firmly out of the child and into the parental position. We need to become someone who can sometimes subordinate their own demands to the needs of another. To be adults in love, we have to learn, perhaps for the very first time, to do something truly remarkable, for a time at least, to put someone else ahead of us. That’s what true, mature love actually is, much to everyone’s initial surprise.

100 thoughts on “Loving and Being Loved

  1. Some of us who didn't have exactly an ideal childhood (and there's way too many of us out there) have gotten extremely bored and frustrated from putting someone else above us and our needs…..we have been taught this "mature" love early and frankly? We kinda hate it.

  2. I agree with the main idea of the video, but it's impossible to keep a relationship where you are always the love giver and never the receiver. I understand the importance of loving without waiting a reward from the partner, the kindness in this gesture. But I don't believe that a a good relationship could arise without a minimal sign of reciprocity

  3. So basically school of life is saying:
    1) grow up
    2) treat your partner like they are a child (see other video) …
    Hm…. it's kind of hard to reconcile. Or maybe not?

  4. I am prepared to love, as I should, like this. It is being loved by someone else, that is the most difficult thing to do

  5. what kind of selfish, lazy kid is this?? I enjoyed reciprocating service to my grandma! never prompted to shower her w adoration. if I could die now I'd be happy in the hopes to be reconnected w her again. in the meantime I'll attempt to recreate the environment she provided me so the youth in my community will have a resource of such awesome, nurturing, educational, liberating care.

  6. ahaaaa so this why we tell teens not to try for the whole love thing. because they are not ready to step into that parental role and we want them to find themselves before they put someone else's needs in front of their own.

  7. I am in love with my soul mate. Heart broken because I am trying to do everything correctly to be with him. AND I HAVE YET TO BE ABLE TO SEE or TALK to HIM. I ONLY WANT HIM.

  8. i love somebody
    i was once loved by that person
    but then he left and he broke me
    and now i just sit alone and cry waiting for someone like him to come and hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

  9. So every adult needs to suffer and put his/her real feelings aside for someone else? And what life will he/she enjoy? If he/she lives for someone else…

  10. i thought you would make the distinction between romantic love and platonic/spiritual/family love. they are opposites, spiritual love implies altruism, and romantic love implies selfishness (when i see a hot girl i hope she's single or in a miserable relationship).
    some never develop spiritual love (altruism) which makes relationships problematic, but the most important ingredient in a relationship unfortunately is the attraction/desire/romantic love.

  11. i'm just here to say i thought there was no way my crush would like me but he ended up asking me out.

    tho i did turn him down with a simple
    "nah" i'm a terrible person

  12. "Or suggest [to the child] that they go upstairs and 'take a nap' "
    I see what you did there, you rascal!

  13. In every relationship each person should focus on loving the other person instead of being loved. If you have both people in the relationship focus on loving the other person, then both people will receive love. I don't believe that it's telling you to stay in a relationship where the other person does not love you, but to have a relationship where both of you are loving each other and not focusing on wanting the other person to love you or being loved.

  14. "Perhaps the greatest obstacle to happiness is the disease of self-absorption." Bertrand Russell

    Enlightened self interest serves relationships, self interest alone sinks them.

  15. what if it's the other way around? one loving unconditionally, but can't (possibly won't) accept being loved?

  16. I can't help but feeling that the act of sharing this video with a loved one, would in some way be quite the insensitive thing to do. Perhaps then, we should follow it's example and act and be as we wish our partner to be.

  17. I've always followed this idea, but never yet found a prospective partner who does. It's always been take and never give with them.

  18. What's this "being loved" business? This concept is too fucking alien for me oh god I'm so alone

  19. So true, I grew up with loving respectful kind parents and that's what I expect now as an adult. To be absolutely adored the way I adore the one I love. Its the only love I know and I want it reciprocated. It's not easy to find but attainable through compromise and understanding that showing love is different for everyone.

  20. reasons why im not ready for a relationship, i would have to pretend to be interested in someone elses life and be kind and attentive to them. cant say i want to sincerely give love to others, being purely honest

  21. E quando você faz isso por alguém e esse alguém faz tipo o que o seu vizinho faria ??? Não muita coisa, uma xícara de açúcar ta bom… reciprocidade zero.

  22. I love the guy that I'm jealous so much. now I hate myself

  23. I watched this video because my husband is away and I miss him. I've been clinging on to a t-shirt he had on all night as the bed feels empty I realize how truthful this video is. Love is a beautiful thing.

  24. We all living in lie, aasuming everything is positive ,never have personal feeling, not any parent love their child with conditionally, not any child should love back their parent cos they don't feel love from them, put this assumption to be cognition is very wrong. We should do what we feel. Specially about love.

  25. I was born and raised without a father. My mother met him, they had a crazy night together, she got pregnant and when i was born he left us, but especially me. So i've lived all my life with my mother alone. I met my father several brief times. Those moments were very awkward and confusing to me, i was feeling like "what i must do now? hug him? talk to him? (i couldn't even talk to him as he is Brasilian), but really knowing that he is my father and that he is not interested in me and that he will never be by my side was very confusing… So on the one hand i had my mother who loved and loves me a lot, even too much and on the other hand i have the ghost of my father who left me. I suppose it's a nice contradiction. So now that i'm an adult i find myself struggling with social anxiety, suicidal thoughts everyday, insomnia, mental blocks which is mannifested in stuttering and mumbling while talking, surrounded by somekind of abusive and repressive "friends" who know the same as me that i don't belong to their group at all and treat me like the different, loneliness… and that sort of stuff. It's not easy at all to live with all this shit in your fucking mind, especially in this society which excludes depressive people in the same way that society or "normal people" exclude depression from themselves. I suppose i could start by forgetting my "friends" in the first place, because as it is said "better alone than badly accompained".

  26. this is what Rumi talks about. if anybody is interested to learn more about this look on love I recommend Rumi.

  27. It does make sense. Immature love won't help the relationship to last. Having those demands and wants is sometimes dangerous. You should be considerate of your partner's feelings too. It's not always about you. Relationship is a teamwork.

  28. Love make me physically sick. Even just hearing the word makes me nauseous, it sounds so ugly. Why not simply say you care about others? Saves a whole lot of trouble in that department.

  29. This video is a whole lot of BS. If all this were true, the. sugar baby/sugar daddy couples wouldn't exist 😂😂

  30. Robert CROSS

    I think the key to all these problems is a persons ability to love themselves.I don't mean in a narcissistic way, but to have true regard for their own integrity and self esteem.
    The key to that is the quality of their parental love.
    I lived in total conflict from a very young age and lapsed into toxic habits of mind and body.
    It's no wonder I was met with rejection and I don't blame ill luck or fortune.
    I don't think there is a complicated process here. If you grow up having regard for the feelings of others and your feelings are validated by those around you, then it's a simple matter of what goes around comes around.

  31. How come i be needy and let someone hurt me? Ugghhh! Why should i? I have some self respect! 😏😏😏😏

  32. I actually always put my girlfriend in front of myself and I think that's how true love should be. But it usually doesn't work out. Because I am loving too much or something? I don't quite understand. Maybe somebody can explain..?

  33. First line is already wrong. The difference between meanings of love is not ´being loved and loving´.
    And i ended right there.

  34. I have to agree to disagree. Love as far as I have been able to tell in the romantic sense is not putting someone ahead of yourself, but the effective joining of forces between two complimentary people. I find that you shouldn't necessarily seek someone who mirrors you, but instead look for someone that has qualities you lack because your ability to think of things differently can be of assistance to the both of you, exchanging favors and ideas, and learning a different way of thinking.

  35. I can't find a single person I have any interest in anyone that would be sensible for me age wise.

  36. Oh. And all this time I though it was an intense feeling of romantic attachment based on an attraction felt by one person for another; intense liking and concern for another person, typically combined with sexual passion.

  37. Perental LOVE in most traditional and Sustainable cultures used to put from very a very early age all children in a practical position
    of contribution-reciprocial care- responsibilities for haushold; chores and all members… including animals and teritory.
    Naturally as they grow % of above mentioned Reciprocity amd Commitment slowly increases. In this way Children naturally grow into responsible Healthy Inter-Conected Adults.
    Included members.

    In modern Conusmeristic societies
    This entire proces is dramatically changed – and end result are KIDULTS – and rampant Narcissisam.
    Grown AKA-adults.
    People that see older people; parents an other people
    as a nonRenovble-but-disposable platform and OPORTUNITY.
    A free ride … for their Escape into "independence"-…
    Freedom in which they in
    become firs totally disconected
    … and then superficially re-connected
    to Corporations and Banks…etc.

  38. I would love to make my future wife feel loved, happy, desired, beautiful and overall great about herself. I'm really looking forward to have someone by my side to give all my love to.

  39. Sorry but I disagree with some points in your video. Firstly your parents-child relationship description is weird. It seems you describe the relation between a little baby and his parents, but when the child grows, it’s totally different. Secondly, maybe I’m too mature (even if I don’t think it’s that), but people don’t seek for people who only love them in love relationships (or that’s weird). In general it could be the opposite : some people stay with people who don’t like them. Besides, in all relationship (even with animals), people try to look for the love and gift of the other one by making this person love them. To my mind, a true love relationship is a one where people share things, love each other and want to impress the other. A relationship is between 2 people : you can’t be only one (loneliness or egocentricity are not characteristic of a relationship).

  40. All my life I have put others before myself. This was NOT something I learned from my parents or other around me. It was something I have always desired from others and so I have always done what I wish I could receive. Even before I ever heard or understood the "golden rule".
    I have no idea what it feels like to be loved.
    Growing up the only attention I received was being screamed at or told to get the hell out of my face and go do something.

    What does it feel like to be loved by someone?

    I have an understanding of what it is to love someone else, but to be love by someone else…….. I do not know what that is, what it feels like or looks like.

    The one thing I truly desire is to be loved for who I am, not for what I can do our what I may become! But for someone to love me for me!

  41. I have only experience grandmas love! Anyone else had turned their back on my and humiliated me. That’s why I’m such a asshole.

  42. My parents never loved me and it was hard to learn to live without love, but that doesn't mean I haven't loved others. Just because no one does anything for you, doesn't mean you can't do things for them out of feelings genuine caring. Try it!

  43. Lol how do I feel like this when my parents didn’t do any of that. Besides, I already know that you have to reciprocate love. I’m on the other end, giving the care without getting it back.

  44. I've been through the same dilemma and this is what I learnt.
    First off, being in love or falling in love comes before you can actually love them. You are totally awe struck, you find them perfect for you.
    Then with time you get to know them and their flaws. You might even see them at their worst.
    At this point one must ask themselves a very important question "Are they worth it?" are they worth all the pain yet to come, will they be able to support you in your hard times, are they worth the sacrifices you have made or will make in the coming hopeful future.
    Look at yourself in a mirror and ask yourself all this. You'll know if you're lying to yourself if you can't make eye contact or there's a voice at the back of head yelling the truth.
    But if you honestly feel that they're worth it and still choose to love them, with all their flaws, hoping to grow and becoming better individuals then that's what is known as loving someone. For quite some time you may not be in love with them. But see that's the thing.
    Read this twice.
    "Love is a verb and being in love is a feeling which is a fruit of love-the verb"
    The major problem with today's relationship is that there's no patience. We have become so accustomed to instant gratification. (remember how we used to wait a week in suspense to watch the next episode, or how we used to just watch whatever it was they were showing on TV or we had to get ready and go out if we wanted to eat).
    My advice to all people is that be patient and know your worth as well as your partners worth relative to yours.
    PS: loving is more important than being in love, as long as there is mutual exchange. If it's toxic. Leave.

  45. I think that as you grow up with your parent the relationship dynamic changes to something more reciprocal then the parent giving and the child taking.

  46. Friendship is VERY COMMON and yet it's not considered a form of love within mainstream definitions like that of the familial (siblings/parents) and marital (spouses) varieties which is kind of disturbing to me since it sends the message that friendship is NOT important. It's the same way with rights in the legal system with property. Generally it's passed along to spouses or to relatives (siblings/parents) but not to close friends. They get excluded. I suppose the only way this could be made into an exception is if that close unrelated friend became the legal guardian or caretaker of another individual (like if the friends were several years apart in age but lived together as roommates or something and maybe one had an accident and lost a limb or became paralyzed and couldn't take care of himself normally anymore and needed around the clock care and his roommate/close friend got legal papers to become his guardian since they were so close (emotionally tight like it's assumed siblings are or should be). I imagine this scenario would be extremely rare but it's the only situation I can think of where close friends would get some legal protection similar to that afforded to spouses or blood relatives. My basic point however is not about property rights, it's about the low cultural importance placed on friendship as a form of love and the automatic assumption being struck up that if that word "love" comes up between non-relatives and it's two people of the same gender than they must be gay or if it's two people of the opposite gender they must have romantic feelings under the surface which to me is a very narrow idea of the concept of love that should be deleted from American culture. It also implies you can't love someone or care for someone unless you deeply know every facet of their lives and existence (very close relationship) when the reality is you can have plenty of love for babies when they are born and their personality hasn't even been formed yet and there are plenty of examples of strangers showing love for each other whether helping and elderly woman in a wheelchair or feeding a homeless unemployed person sleeping on a park bench. So know you don't have to know someone deeply to love them, you just have to have empathy and compassion for another human being as you observe what situation they happen to be in and have the willingness to do something to make their existence feel a little better in that moment.

  47. You guys took another video that you had and just… condensed it into a shorter video… Okay…

  48. So basically this video is explaining how everyone in the world has a daddy and a mommy fetish…

  49. Sure, transition to the adult role of loving. But not unconditionally. To give love one must feel loved.

  50. Much to the surprise of the producers of videos like this, focusing on giving love in a relationship is first and foremost an excellent way of ending up being used.

  51. wow now this is really simply explained. and i'm surprised how true it is

  52. Nice little video. Only thing I’d say is that there are those who grew up forced into an adult’s “loving” role to their parents and other adults, and so as they grow up, they have to learn the child’s “being loved” role. That’s what I was hoping to hear about, but I guess both sides of love are hard to learn.

  53. Ha! Jokes on you! The only reason i want to feel loved is because im the least favorite son. Its not my fault that i ruined your god damn life so much.

  54. There's no being loved. If being loved feels good, that's because you like/love this. You love being loved, you love when a thing comes to you. It's not being loved it's just loving something that is fickle. It's like loving the rain, that's fickle, or loving ice cream, tha is fickle, uncontrollable, addictive, maybe.

    And when I put the necessities of my children ahead of mine, I am not losing anything in emotional terms, in a certain way, 'cause doing for my child feels better than doing for myself.

  55. why do people have BIG expectation. What is a decorrelation of grand gestures or spending time and being honest to them privately.

  56. I feel like I would be a bad partner because I only know how to receive but not to give .I've noticed that it's from past childhood that I wasn't loved and I need to get better at that I've been told I should learn to reciprocate but tend to forget because it's so comforting to be loved

  57. I remember I had a freind whose parents were cold,distant and abusive, he committed suicide at age 22.😞

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