Paulie Lipman – “I Am Nothing I Thought I’d Ever Be By Now (And Have No Idea How I Got Here)”

– I am nothing I thought
I’d ever be by now, and have no idea how I got here. The drugs are too easy to blame. It’s amazing how forgiving folks are when you add meth, cocaine, young, stupid, tripping so hard my face
was melting into my lap, to stories of your most
reprehensible actions. It is disturbing how
forgiving I can be of myself. Heaven and methamphetamine
share too many syllables to not be related. 20 years old, seven years since the inside of a synagogue, and the
only bright idea I had was how to hollow out a light
bulb so I could freebase. This is the closest a Jewish boy can come to ever truly understanding communion. The rock, the body, light bulb chalice, smoke is blood, me, the new trinity, altar boy, censer. (breathes in) Hollow, holy ghost. Jewish boys have their own trinity. God, mother, therapist. I’ve only shared the details
of my two sexual assaults with God, and several hundred
people like yourselves. I don’t think my mother can handle it, and I can’t afford a therapist any more. That’s why I write, perform. I don’t ask for, give
forgiveness to my assaulters, just God, my mother, and
myself and my former therapist would understand. I own albums older than my sobriety. At 25, you know only bright-eyed oblivion. If you make it to 42, you
take stock of all the lessons, all the experiences, experiments, friends, collisions, turns taken and still wonder if surviving till now
was the smartest move. You can’t blame the drugs any more, or youth, or ignorance, my mother or therapist. All I have left is God and myself, and I can’t tell which one of us is wrong. Thank you. (crowd cheers) If you liked that one
and like to see it again, conveniently it is up
on the Write About Now YouTube channel.

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