reading my sapphic poetry | “blackberries”

*calm music begins * Hi, so today I’m going to be reading some poetry I made. This I made, like, a few months after I broke up with– or maybe even like six months after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and I still didn’t
know how I felt about it, so I was just trying to get my emotions all in order. So, I
feel like writing down how I feel and just poetry is a really good way to cope,
and just to figure out how I’m feeling, and a good way to express myself. So yeah, I’m gonna be reading that poem. So, the poem I’m reading to you today is
called ‘Blackberries.’ *gulps* *smacks lips* *cup thuds* Tea. *clears throat* Okay, so, here’s the poem. So it says “I never really meant it, but what else was I supposed to say? did I ever really feel it? or did I
just not want to ruin your day? Blackberries conjure memories of pie and
you. That day in the rain I wanted it too. Nothing more than to kiss you. but
the moment passed and the magic was gone. was it ever really there or were my
feelings Wrong? Flattered or infatuated, that’s the real question. I wanted to
give it a try but the months ended up passing me by. my heart raced–in anxiety–
at the mention of you. beep beep. Fake just like me. the notes were sweet until
they weren’t; they served as an excuse not to talk to me face to face.
are you a coward or a Nervous Wreck? Yes. *jazz music* communication is something we lacked until I called you for the first and last time. something in my teeth You never told me
it was there, just like Me with my turmoil, my hesitance, my doubts. my story.
roses as fake as us. blushing ears that will haunt me for years. the first time you said
it, I didn’t respond. yes, I heard you but… I didn’t feel the same. the second I panicked
and said it too; that’s what people relationship to do, right? Lie. I guess. or
maybe it was a truth. we’d always talk about the few–we’d always talk about the
same a few things, how am I supposed know my feelings based off of circular
conversations? circular, like the dance we didn’t do, the kiss that passed us by,
the hugs that never encircled me in warmth, but only in you. You. did I
love you? did I even like you? maybe I simply liked the idea of you… If that
ain’t a lesbian mood, I don’t know what is. *laughs* I don’t know how I wrote that
without realizing I was a lesbian, but I thought– at that time in my life, I
think I was just barely– just barely questioning. So now I’m going to go through
the lines a little bit and explain what they mean a little bit, give some context,
give some insight. The first stanza, um, is talking about
“I never really meant it, but what else was I supposed to say?” I mean, that– that is supposed to be
kind of, um, vague and like, um… like you’re supposed to try to guess what it means.
But at the end, it kind of goes back to what that was talking about, and it was talking about
saying ‘I love you.’ So the next stanza that says, “Blackberries conjure memories
of pie and you,” so that just reminds me– I mean, that’s just saying that in our first
date, we had blackberry pie. So that’s *inspirational music* just not anything too special, but I– I feel like for a while after I dated him, whenever I had blackberries or thought
of blackberries I would think of him. Like, there would be moments and things that would just
make me think of him; and– just small reminders and just him
being on my mind even though I didn’t want him to be. So yeah, that kind of
represents that. So, next we have: “that day in the rain I wanted it too. Nothing more than
to kiss you.” So, I think this is referring to, like, our second date, when we
went to the movies or something; it was like, sprinkling outside and I remember
looking at him and thinking– thinking like, “do I want to kiss him?” and for a second, I really thought I did. But literally, like, I only thought that for, like, a
few seconds and, like, and then, like, you know, the moment passed and I was, like,
‘wow, I don’t really know if that emotion was ever really something that
existed, or if I was just trying to convince myself I wanted to kiss him, or if I actually
did, or if I was actually considering it, or, like, what I felt like.’ I felt like I couldn’t
even trust my own emotions, you know, like, I was just doubting everything. So I was
like, ‘are my feelings wrong?’ because, looking back, I didn’t even like him.
So, now–now I can say in this part of my life, I didn’t even like him, cuz, you know,
lesbian here. But yeah, so, you know, were my feelings wrong? So, I don’t think exactly
my feelings were wrong; but I just didn’t understand my feelings. So the next
stanza starts off by saying, “flattered or infactu– infatuated.” So, that is
a really big comp het, lesbian mood cuz –cuz I kind of started to realize, I was
flattered by the way he felt about me. Like, he would sometimes, like, give me
gifts and, just, be nice to me and be a really good friend–we started off by
being friends first–and so I was flattered by the attention he gave me, and I
wanted the attention, and I wanted his friendship, and I wanted a relationship, so
I just let it happen. So yeah, I was just flattered by the attention. I wanted the
attention. And you’re taught from a young age, that as a woman and as a girl, or
whatever, you should get attention from guys. So
yeah, I was flattered by his attention, so… Okay, so the next stanza, it says, “my heart raced–in anxiety–at the mention of you.” So basically, someone here has crippling
anxiety and it’s me, hoe. *laughs* *claps* And so, I remember I would always be nervous around
him, I thought it was just, like, awkward kind of, like, first–like, beginning of
relationship jitters, you know, like, *funky music* butterflies. But no. It was like *hitting*
butterflies do not feel like that. I felt like death. So, “Fake just like me,”
because, you know, that my feelings were like, “fake”; I never really felt
anything for him, and I kind of– *sighs* It’s kind of sad how I waited so much time with
that relationship. By the way I broke up with him in August–I forget what year it
was, but it was like 2017 probably–and then– and an entire year later is when I
realized I was a lesbian. So. Just to let you know. So it wasn’t leading him on,
or anything like that. So, “the notes were sweet until they weren’t; they served as an excuse
not to talk to me face to face.” So– so, with the notes, that’s talking about how
he would always give me these, like, cutesy– cutesy little notes. Um, like, that’s how he first
told me that he liked me; he gave me a note in wingdings. Yeah, you heard me
right, WINGDINGS. That– that freaking, like, language with, like, the hands and stuff, like
all those emoji thingies, and you have to like, translate it and says it says, “I like you” and
it says my name, also. it says, “I like you comma Danielle,” or something. But also, he
spelled my name wrong, which was fun. But yeah, and then he’d always give me notes,
he gave me a note in wingdings a few– a few times, and also in other things.
Anyway, so yeah, “[they] were sweet until they weren’t” cuz we never really had
serious conversations face to face. He would always, like,
instead of saying, “hey, we’ve been dating a while, I think we should probably kiss soon,” or
something, you know, just having a serious conversation face to face, like: “oh, are we
actually dating; are we girlfriend and boyfriend?” he would just give me a note. And that’s just, like,
not good communication. We had terrible communication. We’d probably broken up
way sooner if we had better communication, which was partially my
fault, for sure. But also those notes were really stupid, gotta say. And so, “are you a
coward or am I a Nervous Wreck?” Yeah. Anxiety, he was a bit of a coward giving me those
notes, so yeah. So; “communication is something *calm music* we lacked”– already said that–“until I
called you for the first and last time.” Yeah, we never had phone calls, but
I broke up with him over the phone. Don’t like, roast me for this, or say I’m a bad
person because, literally, I– we were dating over the summer, I didn’t–and we barely
met up, I didn’t want to just meet up with him and say it was going to be a date, or
something, or say, “oh, I want to meet up, we have to talk,” and just, like, prolong it,
I needed to get it over with; I was already thinking of breaking up with
him for a month, or a month and a half, or two months. –“my teeth,” yeah, that happened during
our first date, I had something in my teeth for, like, a long ass time and then I
realized myself; he never told me. I was like, ‘bro, what the heck?’ And so I said, “just like Me
with” all these things and so, like, my hesitance and doubts is obviously about my
feelings with our relationship; I didn’t know how I felt. And my story: just my life
story, kind of, like, my relationship with my parents my kind of, like, complex life
story kind of things, like, so he didn’t really know anything
that was really important about me. So, it’s like he doesn’t really know
my “story,” so, like, we weren’t even that close, you know, we didn’t talk about
important things. So, “roses as fake as us.” So… roses, um, so, he
gave me a couple of them; he gave me one for Valentine’s Day, I think that was an
actual rose and then he gave me one for Tolo, which is a, um, like, a dance
our school did, I think that one was, like, a fake, like, wooden rose that the
Mexican–like, Latino club carved out and so, that was– that was just a reference
to that. And, “blushing ears that will haunt me for years,” and so when he gave me that–
the rose on Valentine’s Day, I was blushing so hard my ears
were blushing and so I just was, like, ‘oh I’m blushing you so hard, I must like him.’
So, my doubts flew out the window for a while, so that kind of haunted me for a
while, cuz I’m, like, ‘if I don’t like him, why was I so blushing? because that’s,
like, a sign of liking someone, light– right?’ So, “the first time you said it, I didn’t respond.” Yeah I–I just ignored him. *laughs* Um, “the second time I panicked and said it too.”
Actually, it wasn’t the second time. He said it another time, like, he wrote it down in my yearbook–but in German–and I ignored *distant thud* that also, but then after that, um, he
messaged me and I felt cornered cuz I couldn’t–
I didn’t want to type out a message and say, “sorry, I don’t feel–like, I didn’t want that–
we didn’t have that level of communication, so I just said it back, because I felt
pressured– not by him, but just by myself, you know. Just was, like, “well, I guess I
might as well say it, you know.” Don’t– don’t do that, kids. If you don’t feel– if you
don’t feel, like, that’s a hundred percent true, don’t– don’t say it back. And, um, so yeah, it was a lie. *jazz music* “or maybe it was the truth,” I don’t– yeah, no. I think I ever, like, loved
him–I liked him as a friend a lot–but no. “we’d always talked about the same few things,”
Yeah, we always talked about Supernatural, and *laughing* Undertale, and then school stuff,pretty much. Um, “how am I supposed to know my feelings based off of circular conversation?” That’s really true. if we talked
about more important things, I think I– I don’t know, I’d probably be able to sort my
feelings more and we’d have better communication. “Circular, just like the
dance we didn’t do.” We didn’t dance at the at– the school dance. Yeah. “Kiss that passed us by.” So, the thing that I was talking about earlier. “Hugs that never encircled–encircled me in warmth, but only you.” So, he would always hug me when I was leaving…
at the end of the day and I– it didn’t really make me that happy, it was just, like, ‘oh, yeah that’s a hug.’ No, usually when my friends give me hugs it makes me, like, ‘yay! hug!’ but then when he hugged me it was just like, *disgusted* ‘okay, that’s a hug.’ *whispers* Yeah, lesbian. Said, “you. did I love you?” S– I was really
unsure how I was feeling when I wrote this poem. I barely edited it since I wrote it
cuz I wanted to keep it genuine to how I was trying to figure out my
emotions back then. I probably just changed the grammar and stuff a little bit.
“Did I even like you? Maybe I simply liked the idea of you.” That is really, I
feel like, a strong representation. It’s like: did I even like you? Like, no, not
really that either. I did like him as as friend, that’s why I was so confused. And I
simply liked the idea of you. Like, I had such a fairy-tale idea of
relationships, which included this heteronormative idea of getting together
with him, you know, with, like, guys in general. Just, like, I had this idea that I would fall in love with,
like, my best friend or something. I don’t know. But, he was a good friend of mine and I was like,
‘oh, I guess I like him then’ cuz he’s nice to me, I like spending time with him, and
listening to him, and I feel like, you know, whatever. But I just felt like this is
how it was supposed to be but it definitely *calm music* wasn’t, so maybe I simply like the idea of you. And so yeah. And I kind of hope *burps* my ex never sees this video, but if he does; hi dude. *laughs* Yeah, I don’t– I don’t know if he even knows I’m a
lesbian, but no hard feelings I hope. So, I have a lot more poetry that I’ve done, so
if you– if you want to hear more videos like this, where I explain my poetry and
all that stuff; a lot of poetry is this kind of topic; kind of, like, you know, The
Gay. *laughs* So, if you liked this, um, video, give it a like, comment, and subscribe so I know to
make more of them–which I probably will anyway, but I’ll definitely make more if
you guys give it–this video–lots of love. So, thank you. Bye! *tsk* *calm music* *calm music* *airplane overhead* *burps* *thuds* *burps* *chuckles* Oh my goodness. Hi… everybody. How do I introduce myself?
Do I even have a solid introduction? *gulps* *smacks lips* Tea. *cup thuds* *calm music* *sips* *smacks lips* Tea. *burps* *groans* *cup thuds*

2 thoughts on “reading my sapphic poetry | “blackberries”

  1. ❤❣💞💓 THAT WAS AMAZING, i loved your explanation for the poem and honestly?? That poem is absolutely a masterpiece mUAH

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