Rethinking infidelity … a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel


Why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? And when we say “infidelity,”
what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story,
paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat
out of boredom and fear of intimacy, but women cheat out of loneliness
and hunger for intimacy? And is an affair always
the end of a relationship? For the past 10 years,
I have traveled the globe and worked extensively
with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. There is one simple act of transgression that can rob a couple
of their relationship, their happiness and their
very identity: an affair. And yet, this extremely common
act is so poorly understood. So this talk is for anyone
who has ever loved. Adultery has existed
since marriage was invented, and so, too, the taboo against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity
that marriage can only envy, so much so, that this is
the only commandment that is repeated twice in the Bible: once for doing it, and once
just for thinking about it. (Laughter) So how do we reconcile
what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced? Now, throughout history, men
practically had a license to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host
of biological and evolutionary theories that justified their need to roam, so the double standard
is as old as adultery itself. But who knows what’s really going on
under the sheets there, right? Because when it comes to sex, the pressure for men
is to boast and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women
is to hide, minimize and deny, which isn’t surprising when you consider
that there are still nine countries where women can be killed for straying. Now, monogamy used to be
one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. (Laughter) (Applause) I mean, many of you probably have said, “I am monogamous in all my relationships.” (Laughter) We used to marry, and had sex for the first time. But now we marry, and we stop having sex with others. The fact is that monogamy
had nothing to do with love. Men relied on women’s fidelity in order to know whose children these are, and who gets the cows when I die. Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat. I’ve been asked that question
since I arrived at this conference. (Laughter) It applies to you. But the definition of infidelity
keeps on expanding: sexting, watching porn, staying
secretly active on dating apps. So because there is no
universally agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity, estimates vary widely,
from 26 percent to 75 percent. But on top of it, we are
walking contradictions. So 95 percent of us will say
that it is terribly wrong for our partner to lie
about having an affair, but just about the same
amount of us will say that that’s exactly what we
would do if we were having one. (Laughter) Now, I like this definition
of an affair — it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship,
which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection
to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that
the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it’s our imagination that is responsible
for love, not the other person. So it’s never been easier to cheat, and it’s never been more
difficult to keep a secret. And never has infidelity exacted
such a psychological toll. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened
our economic security. But now that marriage
is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens
our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery — that was the space where
we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it. Now, there are three ways that I think
infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal
in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion,
my intellectual equal. And I am it: I’m chosen, I’m unique, I’m indispensable, I’m irreplaceable, I’m the one. And infidelity tells me I’m not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters
the grand ambition of love. But if throughout history,
infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self. So my patient Fernando, he’s plagued. He goes on: “I thought I knew my life. I thought I knew who you were,
who we were as a couple, who I was. Now, I question everything.” Infidelity — a violation of trust,
a crisis of identity. “Can I ever trust you again?” he asks. “Can I ever trust anyone again?” And this is also what my patient
Heather is telling me, when she’s talking to me
about her story with Nick. Married, two kids. Nick just left on a business trip, and Heather is playing
on his iPad with the boys, when she sees a message
appear on the screen: “Can’t wait to see you.” Strange, she thinks,
we just saw each other. And then another message: “Can’t wait to hold you in my arms.” And Heather realizes these are not for her. She also tells me
that her father had affairs, but her mother, she found
one little receipt in the pocket, and a little bit of lipstick
on the collar. Heather, she goes digging, and she finds hundreds of messages, and photos exchanged
and desires expressed. The vivid details
of Nick’s two-year affair unfold in front of her in real time, And it made me think: Affairs in the digital age
are death by a thousand cuts. But then we have another paradox
that we’re dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner’s
fidelity with a unique fervor. But we also have never
been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are
entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture
where I deserve to be happy. And if we used to divorce
because we were unhappy, today we divorce
because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. So Heather, she can’t talk to her friends because she’s afraid that they
will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns,
she gets the same advice: Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed,
Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame. So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption
is that if someone cheats, either there’s something wrong
in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people
can’t all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you
have everything you need at home, then there is no need
to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such
a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion
has a finite shelf life? What if there are things
that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about? The vast majority of people
that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are
deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have
actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression
of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair,
you will often find a longing and a yearning
for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom,
for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture
lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back
vitality in the face of loss and tragedy. I’m thinking about
another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man. But she also tells me that she’s always done
what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents. Priya, she fell for the arborist
who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos,
he’s quite the opposite of her. But at 47, Priya’s affair is about
the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me
that when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner
that we are turning away from, but the person that
we have ourselves become. And it isn’t so much that we’re
looking for another person, as much as we are
looking for another self. Now, all over the world, there is one word that people
who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive. And they often will tell me
stories of recent losses — of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor. Death and mortality often live
in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another
25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think
that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel
people to cross the line, and that some affairs are
an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote to death. And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex,
and a lot more about desire: desire for attention,
desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can
never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting
that which you can’t have. Now some of you probably think that affairs don’t happen
in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation
about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity. But the fact is that it seems
that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured
by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which
we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really
doing what we want to. And I’ve also told
quite a few of my patients that if they could bring
into their relationships one tenth of the boldness,
the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me. (Laughter) So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were
already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us
into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced
affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able
to turn a crisis into an opportunity. They’ll be able to turn this
into a generative experience. And I’m actually thinking even
more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, “You think I didn’t want more? But I’m not the one who did it.” But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim more, and they no longer have
to uphold the status quo that may not have been working
for them that well, either. I’ve noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder
that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations
with honesty and openness that they haven’t had in decades. And, partners who were
sexually indifferent find themselves suddenly
so lustfully voracious, they don’t know where it’s coming from. Something about the fear
of loss will rekindle desire, and make way for an entirely
new kind of truth. So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things
that couples can do? We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator
acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential,
important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife. But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot
of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty
for hurting their partner, but they don’t feel guilty
for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction is important. And Nick, he needs to hold
vigil for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while,
the protector of the boundaries. It’s his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession, and from having to make sure
that the affair isn’t forgotten, and that in itself
begins to restore trust. But for Heather, or deceived partners, it is essential to do things
that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love
and with friends and activities that give back joy
and meaning and identity. But even more important, is to curb the curiosity
to mine for the sordid details — Where were you? Where did you do it? How often? Is she better
than me in bed? — questions that only inflict more pain, and keep you awake at night. And instead, switch to what I call
the investigative questions, the ones that mine
the meaning and the motives — What did this affair mean for you? What were you able to express
or experience there that you could no longer do with me? What was it like for you
when you came home? What is it about us that you value? Are you pleased this is over? Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. But affairs are here to stay,
and they’re not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire, they don’t yield just simple answers
of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator. Betrayal in a relationship
comes in many forms. There are many ways
that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only
one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage. Now, you’ve listened to me, and I know what you’re thinking: She has a French accent,
she must be pro-affair. (Laughter) So, you’re wrong. I am not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And I’m not pro-affair. But because I think that good
can come out of an affair, I have often been asked
this very strange question: Would I ever recommend it? Now, I would no more
recommend you have an affair than I would recommend you have cancer, and yet we know that people
who have been ill often talk about how their illness
has yielded them a new perspective. The main question that I’ve been asked
since I arrived at this conference when I said I would talk
about infidelity is, for or against? I said, “Yes.” (Laughter) I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other — what it did to you,
and what it meant for me. And so when a couple comes to me
in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed, I will often tell them this: Today in the West, most of us are going to have
two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going
to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create
a second one together? Thank you. (Applause)

100 thoughts on “Rethinking infidelity … a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel

  1. I knew you were Saved when i read the comment "everyone had their eyes on her because she controlled the audience."

  2. She's saying marriages over time fail to deliver everything a person needs. She's saying that affairs fill needs the committed relationship doesn't. Are these desires valid reasons for infidelity? I don't care, it's yet another reason to avoid marriage.

  3. It's interesting how it's taken science hundreds of years to catch up to the bible on moral teaching.

  4. Men cheat because they can not hunt well black men black women created agriculture to keep men at home in Africa so the rest of the world we don't know but it started the relationship yes women cheat more we are not watching them all the time

  5. You allow your partner to cheat …once. After that you throw them out.

    Why does TED do so many videos justifying the destruction of intact families which is how I see this one?

    How about a video about the joys of marrying and being true and honest in all things with this one person you have chosen to forge a shared life with?

  6. Way overthinking this. Just dont cheat. What is cheating? Whatever your partner says it is. EASY

  7. There's no ambiguity: if you cheat, you are a liar and a bad person. Cheating is a breach of contract. It is a grand theft. It is unethical. It is a purely selfish act that completely contradicts the purpose of a meaningful relationship.

    If you've cheated, you've betrayed the person you pretend to care most about. You have undermined and destroyed trust, which is the foundation upon which important relationships are built.  

    There is no "healing" from an affair, any more than there can be 'rebuilding' following a housefire. The only way to avoid the problem is to have avoided the problem in the first place! Learn to be honest. The rewards, in terms of qualitative improvements to your relationship(s), far exceed any short-term benefit just from getting your rocks off.

    And there's no guilt after honesty. No lost time. No getting "caught." No hiding. Wouldn't you rather live with a real friend? Wouldn't you prefer to enjoy time spent in the now, instead of constantly pretending? And instead of plotting for some (brief) future moment? 

    Oh, but you like the thrill? Well, just as wine snobs masquerade as though they aren't really drunks, cheaters aren't debonair—like some sort of secret agent on a mission—they're just liars trying to rationalize their selfish behaviors.

    Sure, evolution has crafted us to prefer monogamy for only the short-term, but there's nothing ethical about following crude biological impulses. End your relationship if and when its time comes. Don't make other people suffer over your selfishness. Again, learn to be honest; start by being honest to yourself about just what cheating is.

  8. Everything is built on trust and faithfulness. Marriage, families, churches, business, governments. If a person is ever to have loving relationship they must learn to choose faithfulness. We can change for the better.

  9. I feel like those who have modernized the idea that monogamy isn't natural, are simply wired differently. There are many amazing species of animals that pair for life. Eagels, beavers, wolves fish, birds. Youtube "Albatros Planet Earth."

  10. Mobile phone ,free calling , free internet is the main reason of destroying families in India… less than 2 dollars per month you spend and talk make video calls and ruin your life

  11. Emotional immaturity. Not thinking about where we stand on the issue so we're unprepared when/if temptation happens (cough*bill clinton*cough*Arnold Schwarzenegger*cough…). Lack of education, one generation passing on to the next what a relationship is. Women being powerless and mistreated for most of history didn't help things.

    Cheating isn't something everyone does. It doesn't happen in people who have an understanding, who know what a relationship is, who know why they're doing it. Emotionally mature people don't cheat. Narcissists cheat. Sociopaths cheat. Emotionally immature people cheat. People who married for the wrong reasons so that when someone better looking came along they once thought would never take interest in them they can be tempted. Of course they feel alive. They once thought they had to settle, and now an opportunity to trade up has presented itself, to have what you really wanted but had to settle.

    But this gets back to having worked out who you are and what your ethics are and what you would do in this or that situation… These people don't make these mistakes and they are resented by everyone else who busy themselves trying to mock and undermine their relationships and traditions and values.

    You don't heal from an affair. it will never be perfect again. Only two emotionally immature people can heal b/c in their childishness they don't know what's ruined.

    The only thing we can do is work out who we are and understand what a relationship is. Pass that to our children. Don't leave parenthood to public school. That results in failure every time. The first generation that does this will have way fewer woes.

  12. Esther Esterka Pereł, she is Belgian and she is right, many affairs I have been through was like a lesson to me, at the beginning it was like an adventure to find a new me, or see if I can be happy with someone I believe will be more fit for me, but I realized one thing, everytime I cheated, I realized that I appreciate more what I have, I quit, and I pray day and night that nothing pops up in my life and break her heart!!

  13. I don't know if secrecy and lying are inherent in the definition of an affair. "I did it, so what and I'm going to do it again." was far worse for me than at least caring enough to try and cover it up.

  14. Till recently a man could not be sure that the child is his. Yet the man is required to put an enormous amount of resources to raise the child and support the mother. In return he required fidelity. Unfortunately today the system is broken. The family is gone, the kids are gone, the husbands are gone. The society is gone. If we were polar bears we would be extinct, but we are not allowed to say that. As Islam is replacing us, they will Force the women back into the caves. And as much as I hate to admit it, our women behaved like a teenager who found the keys to the liquor cabinet.
    , and now it is too late.

  15. I've never been a victim of infidelity to my knowledge, but there's really only one way to avoid it. Being alone. That's the risk. Like the beach? Deal with sharks.

  16. 5:50 “Now that marriage is a romantic relationship “
    ???
    Marriage is almost ALWAYS a financial relationship. If romance is involved, it’s a junior partner, at best. When you ask a woman why they love their partner, you will always hear about how he “provides”, “supports”, etc.
    romance is nothing more than an exercise in hormone chemistry.
    Love who you are. Be happy with yourself first. If you want someone else in your life, ALWAYS recognize it is a temporary arrangement. And, good luck with that.

  17. Of course for politically correct reasons we can't tell you which 9 countries still put women to death for infidelity.

  18. Statistically, who is the most likely individual to cheat? Answer, females aged 34-37 who have been married for 4 or more years.

  19. scars from unfaithfullness is very hard to bear but all the same thank you funbiwhite @whizhackzofoz. com for helping me uncover the truth of who i was with

  20. I think the issue that was not addressed is what the Bible says about it.

  21. Affairs in the digital age. A death by a thousand cuts.
    Beautifully put x

  22. This is a great talk. It put things into perspective. It is great when both the cheater and the betrayed partner decide to work it out and create a stronger marriage, although sadly it isn't always the case. My only question about her talk is: Why is it usually, in examples, the man (Nick in her example) the cheater, and the woman (Heather in her example) the betrayed one? Woman cheat too. Just a thought. Perhaps when citing future examples, she can flip it for a change.

  23. Your first marriage is over. Renew your vows and start a new marriage with your spouse. Learn to water your own grass before it dies!

  24. Cheating on one's spouse is really cheating on oneself!! We all have many opportunities, many fantasies and many possibilities but what it comes down to at the end of the day is-loyalty is only about loyalty to oneself, what we hold dear to heart and the promise we've made to be faithful.

  25. I think she misses one of the reasons people have affairs – when they are truly in a relationship they cannot fix. It's like when you want to change jobs. Any good advisor would tell you to get the new job and THEN quit the old job. But in a relationship, this is quite rightly, called cheating. However, it doesn't change the fact that it is much easier to find a new love while in a relationship than as a singleton. So people cheat because it's easier than going it alone.

  26. the digital age is fucked because everything can be deleted and hide everything behind our technology 😐

  27. Hello I was devastated when I found out my partner was cheating on me, I was referred to @Fanen_hacker on Instagram. I was skeptical at first but he helped me expose my cheating girlfriend, I couldn’t believe she could do such to me, have an affair. Fanen_hacker exposed her, I can’t thank him enough.

  28. All this love talk u guys were lead by society to be exactly where u are … everyone cheats cuz it’s human nature he are attracted to characteristic… and guess what characteristic is not limited to one person … so ppl let society program your mind from a Child about soulmates and one true love …. just like the fairytale stories tht are fed to women as a child .. there’s a prince and there’s a happy ever after and so u grow up with this notion of what u think love is and how it’s suppose to be .. this y women think about weddings and all that so early in their life cuz of what they’re being taught .. we are human beings who are very sexual… it’s gona happen … u don’t own anybody .. a lot of ppl think u own a person in a relationship.. ppl are free to express themselves … frankly I think we should get rid of marriages and live freely just protect yourself

  29. I was able to get full access to my girlfriend accounts. All thanks to @fanen_hacker on Instagram.he helped me expose her,He can hack devices, social media accounts, recover deleted messages and accounts, he’s so so reliable and affordable.

  30. Cómo ha cambiado el significado de la infidelidad; por qué amenaza el sentido, la certeza y ambición del yo-amor; la búsqueda de lo difícil de responder.

  31. We cheat because we are filthy one way or another. We have all lied, we all have stolen, we all have hated, so how do you think we can solve our relationships??

  32. Never marry a divorcee… If they couldn't make it work with their first spouse what makes you think they'd make things work with you?

  33. Just don't ever promise monogamy to begin with!! 

    It amazes me that women meet me at clubs or parties and they see how I got THEM but expect me to stop once I am with them!! hahahahahaha

    Like, now that you caught that one fish you are supposed to stop being a fisherman!! and get rid of the boat you go out to fish with…. if you do that she will lose all respect for you because you let her change you that much to where now you re not an interesting or "challenging" man. She will leave anyhow… the motto of "she isn't yours, it's just your turn" is real.

    She is talking abut MARRIED women and men… and more than half end in divorce, and I applaud that, as long as they dint fucking bring kids into the world, but of course women cannot get alimony of child support (be financially kept, which is the primary reason they chose that fool to begin with) if they don't have kids. It is a scam… 

    this woman is wrong wrong wrong, she is trying to make you adjust to the fucked up matrix instead of telling you the whole idea of marriage is wrong for today's world. Marriage is a transfer of means from men to women in general. You see if you research it that SUCCESSFUL women always want a pre-nup… they become very liberal once they make their own money.

  34. 😜 Violent Dykes
    We’re told that the greatest predator on earth isn’t the tiger shark or the lion but the lowly straight white male, a violent, aggressive thug who prowls the streets, raping, beating and killing unsuspecting women. But it is not so: in fact, women in relationships with other women are dramatically more likely to get knocked about by their partners.

    Up to 45 per cent of lesbians have been the victim of at least one act of violence perpetrated by a female partner and that 30 per cent of lesbians have reported sexual assault or rape by another woman. And those are conservative figures from a small domestic violence support group.
    Only transsexuals have a rate anywhere close to that, with 34.6 per cent of trannies reporting nails ripped off, wigs torn and HRT pills flushed down the loo, according to a Massachusetts survey.

    by MILO, 7 May 2015

  35. She talks around in circles a lot, but nonetheless she made many good points.

  36. Trust and self assurance that lead to happiness are the very things we kill i guess…..

  37. I find it difficult to reconcile my deep love and devotion to my girl with my constant desire for sexual variety. I want to hook up with every pretty girl I see. Despite my girl loving me completely and unconditionally, despite her being an outstanding lover who brings me constant, varied pleasure. In order to not devastate her, it takes great effort on my part to NOT pursue flirtations and more with other women. I fight daily against, it seems, my very nature. I do this because I want a future with my girl more than I want sexual variety. But I am not fulfilled, not completely.

  38. Up next, pedophiles are a sexual orientation too…. oh wait, they already did that one. If you want to live a life of misery, just follow the advice from most of these soulless people.

  39. I suspected my wife of cheating on me but I never had any proof. This went on for months, I didn't know what to do. i was so paranoid and decided to find a solution, i saw a recommendation about a private investigator and decided to contact him. I explained the situation about my wife to him and he said he was going to help me.I gave him all the informations he required and afterwards i received all my wife’s Iphones Text messages, whatsApp messages and calls, I was hurt when i saw a picture of my wife and her lover. I feel so bad about infidelity. but i am glad Mr james was able to help me get all this information, you can contact him via Gmail (worldcyberhackers) or whatsApp : +12678773020

  40. Wife cheated on me with 2 guys we both worked with. Spent 4 months walking the halls at work having to look at thead two men. I stayed… but I'm not whole. Suicidal thoughts, feeling second best and most of the time I can barely bring myself to be intimate with her because all it does to me now is makes me feel so udderly pathetic in my own skin. God help me.

  41. i think so many people miss the point of this entire 21:30 well worded video. we need to think with our heads instead of our emotions or how others tell us we should think. all she's saying is that infidelity isn't as cookie cutter as we think in some cases. and we should ask "why did you cheat" instead of just reacting to it and never finding out what caused the problem or potentially what can fix it.

  42. Been married two years & have already contemplated an affair a couple times. Didn't actually do it though. This definitely gave a lot of insight.

  43. There's a reason Infidelity is much lesser in India than the West. By the end of this talk I expect to figure it out.

  44. I dont care who says what- cheating is bad and people who do it are scum bags. They deserve to be beaten, exposed, and if they are killed I dont feel bad for them

  45. But not to worry, it is inevitable that you will be replaced with technology. Heck, you aren’t even a bottleneck anymore. Inferior and more expensive in nearly every way. It’s only a matter of time.

  46. "Universally forbidden, yet universally practiced." Same with lying, killing, stealing, etc. She's speaking only of SOME people.

  47. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Your feelings change all day long, when you commit to your spouse you don't betray them. If you are not happy about your relationship, you talk, and you try your best to work things out. If you have tried everything "together of course" to work things out, and nothing has helped; you talk as civilized human beings and have the courage to tell that person in her/his face you can no longer stay with them. But you do not betray them like a f#$#&*π∆✓® COWARD!!!

  48. There are MILLIONS of people who don't cheat. There is one simple act of transgression: Cheating. It is not misunderstood. Move on, find someone else who will value you! And if you value yourself, you wont' cheat and you won't allow your mate to cheat either. These Ted talks let ANYONE fill out an application to speak, some with absolutely no real credentials have a go at a session and post it online for all to think everything these bozos say must be true. Sheer crap! Yes, infidelity IS the ultimate betrayal. However, it's not that you weren't good enough for them, it's that they weren't good enough for you. You are welcome!

  49. The hellfire….it's real and fornication and adultery are two of the worst sins.

  50. It's easier to be celibate than to be celibate or unloved in a marriage by someone you used to love. I think if the infidelity hurts, there is still a marriage to be saved . Forgiveness gets you paradise.

  51. If you do anything before marriage, that IS a big sin so ,of course, nothing will change after marriage .

  52. Having the internet at your finger tips if your spouse makes a wrong move is like being under the gun.
    God has a process which saves most marriages from divorce before and after the marriage .

  53. If you marry a man with female "friends" or have a relationship with him before marriage, why would anything changes after marriage .
    Conservative Muslims don't have these problems AND they're going to live forever in paradise. Forever, forever. That's worth it.

  54. Weigh your loneliness and wanting an affair with the sanity that comes from not doing it – the happiness . And then either accept your marriage, improve it , voice your greivances or leave . You can go back later.

  55. Most people in the community
    are not kind and won't forgive you . It's the same human nature that made you take the step to cheat. You must forgive yourself . It's your divine right . And pray for others and the woman you used out of loneliness because it's really her reputation that suffers, not yours .
    That wanting to feel important and wanted …she's right . You may never get it so give it to others and please God.

  56. Everything she says is helpful. Many people come from toxic families. Loneliness has been their life even in the midst of many "friends". Be merciful.

  57. Meh, screw that. Having an affair is such a quaint concept. I got my relationship advice from Jeffrey Epstein.

  58. Here’s the definition of infidelity, if you can’t do it in front of your spouse, then you can’t do it at all.

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