Some words – thoughts. A poem?

There’s so many trains driving next to
my house, it’s ruining my poetry… And I look so old today. Okay, here we go – before
the kids start to scream. Those unspoken words, chords of questions and sounds of shame, blame on overstepping all boundaries
when one gets scared. I’m losing you, it’s happening. My beginning of fears… Tears are blocked and days are long. I truly don’t know the lyrics of this song. Timeout from co-dependency, uncertainty is the new black. Back. …My spine barely in order, border of feeling abandoned. Stupid fucking chaos! I’m a mess. Standing on my own two feet I said, while erasing the sense of loneliness from my head. I can do it, I’ve been here before. Before – said by me and
my self pity. I will continue avoiding shitty acts and efforts of trying too hard. Empty card. I’m so ordinary and dull. I’m sure there’s no reward for those who carry more than they can take. Big mistake on my behalf. I’m not saying there’s something wrong.
It’s not like I’m not okay. I’m okay, I’m managing. And eating too much and then throwing up violently while the shower is running so no one could hear. I’m near – to okay, supported by self hate, anger and
unfinished emotional business, it’s Christmas with closed boxes under the tree – looks pretty, but you can’t really see what they hold, what is in. Weighing body mass. Weighing options. Weighing expectations and undefined
disappointments. I can’t cry and I don’t understand why.

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