The "WORST" Star Wars Novel EVER



a lots happened since we last visited the galaxy far far away on this channel most notably not one but two yes two new Star Wars films in theaters solo a Star Wars story has just been released and audiences have had a few months to chew on Episode eight several have you been wondering why I never released a video about what went wrong with the last Jedi and the reason why is pretty simple because the last Jedi is awesome but if you were sulking through the tubes of the Internet the week it was released you wouldn't have thought so just take a look at this what went wrong with Star Wars the last Jedi everything wrong with Star Wars the last Jedi everything that went wrong with the last Jedi spoilers the ultimate guide to what went wrong with the last Jedi : full-length an hour and 24 minutes the last Jedi what went wrong ooh anime the top 10 reasons why the last Jedi made me angry last Jedi is awful and the excuses for it are even worse last Jedi : what went wrong parentheses a theory about Star Wars theory the last Jedi the worst Star Wars movie ever made why the last Jedi is the worst Star Wars movie ever 5 reasons the last Jedi was the worst Star Wars movie ever Star Wars the last Jedi is one of the worst films of the decade the last Jedi worst movie ever the last Jedi is the worst movie ever period you people are crazy yes if the last Jedi taught us anything it's that faux movie critics and opportunistic fanboys will stop at nothing to create the most sensational over-the-top clickbait articles possible if they know there's some advertising revenue to be made and really I've been going about it all wrong I didn't need to spend weeks and months exhaustively constructing videos with impeccable production value to climb the YouTube charts I just needed a microphone and excessively dramatic voice bad opinions and a catchy title well three out of four ain't bad so let's get the most anticipated Star Wars essay by a shorty award losing pretentious but oddly charming asa butterfield look-alike going with a royalty-free hiphop track paired with flashy but pointless title nations this is really weird five you young guns won't get this but there was a time when new Star Wars was hard to come by in between the original and prequel trilogy x' fans had to rely on expanded universe materials usually in the form of novels or comic books the former were notoriously hit or miss Star Wars is a franchise that's tailor-made for the big screen with inspiring visuals and a classic story structure but strip the spectacle down to twelve point text on a piece of paper and it can easily lose its mystique and believe you me when it comes to Star Wars novels there's plenty of low lights whether you talking about the awful evil clones subplot with characters like a new Luke Skywalker the comically over-the-top villain Durga the Hutt from the novel dark saber the Alliance by marriage nonsense in the courtship of Princess Leia or that time that Luke falls in love with a force ghost that decides to possess the dead body of his apprentice seriously look it up Star Wars novels have had some of these Aeneas and often absurdly out of character moments in the franchise but one novel stands above all others a novel that perfectly encapsulates what can happen when the epic space opera goes completely off the rails that novel is called the crystal star and you'll be able to tell within the first few pages that things feel a little off it's not that the crystal star is poorly written it's just that it doesn't ever really feel like Star Wars and with good reason the author Vonda Ann McIntyre up to that point had written several books for the Star Trek universe whatever that is and this was her first and ultimately only entry for the Skywalker saga before we get into the plot deets you're gonna need to wind the clock back to 1994 before the prequels before the sequels the Star Wars story picks up an expanded universe novels right after the credits roll on Return of the Jedi in this original continuity han and Leia got married but had three kids Jaina Jason and Anakin these two are twins with a special force bond and this one's got kind of that whole chosen child shtick going on the solo kids are kind of a running gag in the expanded universe or what is now legends or whatever and that gag is that they're always getting kidnapped it happens so often in books set around this time period that you've just kind of roll your eyes every time that it happens so the crystal star kicks off with Leia Organa Solo snapping awake at the sound of a pressure bomb being detonated she's currently on the distant planet of monto Khodro for a diplomatic mission and she's brought her kids with her while working at the sound of the bomb she races out to the children's playground and she finds Chewbacca incapacitated and the kids missing Leia is horrified or in the words of the books dust jacket dealt a crushing blow but the local diplomatic liaisons tell her not to worry turns out motor khodro is famous for political abductions and kidnappings in fact it's considered a type of sport on the planet there are traditions and rules and Leia's assistants plead with her to follow the code and wait for the kidnappers to contact her with a ransom demand meanwhile Han and Luke are off on their own adventure aboard the Millennium Falcon a few weeks previously han had been sent a series of weird long encoded messages that directed him to Krissi a research station a former Outer Rim asteroid prison of the Empire since the death of the Emperor and Darth Vader the station moved to an absolutely chaotic system where it orbits a black hole and a dying star that's been crystallized into a white dwarf hence the name of the book ever since this move took place the topsy-turvy state of the solar system has caused strange phenomena to happen at gracia and the encoded message begs Han for The New Republic's help by this time in the old continuity Luke has started a small Jedi Academy and is on leave to tag along with Han and look for new recruits also c-3po is there and he's purple while preparing to land on the research station Luke and Han share some small talk aboard the Falcon where they discussed the importance of flirting just see for yourself you want to do more flirting yourself if I might be upset this bastard I have extensive library of love poetry to your disposal in several languages suitable for the human tongue as well as etiquette medical information and they don't have time for flirtations her love poetry not now yeah so generally speaking this is not how most brothers-in-law actually talked to each other I don't have time for flirtations or love poetry not now so Han and Luke touched down on the station which actually is more like a Big Bazaar than anything in fact it's large enough to host a number of luxurious hotels including a place called Crater Lodge which has several artificial pools and streams to simulate a terrestrial climate han decides to book a room by taking out a line of credit cuz when you're a space hopper that's the first thing you do when you get to a new planet homey before long they realize something is amiss Hannes contact has yet to reveal himself and Luke can't sense any force users and he's finding it difficult to use his own abilities to do so meanwhile the solo kids find themselves waking up in a dark and dank metal room there's a creepy old dude in a white robe named heavier claiming to be there hold father he spins them some tale about how their parents Chewie and their uncle Luke died in earthquake he's gonna be that daddy now now that twins immediately know that something's up is Luke and Han were gone on a mission they weren't even on the planet but they figure out that it's best to just play dumb Anakin's a little baby so he's as pretty much nothing we find out fairly quickly that heavier is a Dark Jedi and he's using a dominate mind force power to slowly Gaslight the kids into a star wars version of Stockholm Syndrome heavier his assistant is this young guy named Tigris who he tasks with taking care of the baby Anakin who is set to be purified of whatever that means while heavier directs Jana and Jason to be taken elsewhere laya wakes up again at the sound of our 2d2 alerting her she slips out of her temporary residence and heads to a sleek little ship called the Alderaan that she stowed away and registered under a fake name in case of emergency once inside r2 shows her a recently deleted record from the local spaceport it turns out the ship that took her kids actually left a trail but the local leaders conveniently hid this from her afraid that she would pursue the kidnappers and attempt to interrupt the traditional abduction rituals of the planet putting the kids at more risk our little buddy artoo was keeping watch over all local transit systems as a security measure he decided to save a copy of this spaceport record before they deleted it and since Leia fires up the Alderaan plots a course and takes off after the kidnappers also Chuy's now back on the research station – Hans heading back to the hotel after a day of chillin and gamblin and he walks in to find an exhausted Luke sitting in a chair flicking his lightsaber on and off Luke's got a weird case of the stomach flu or something and he's unable to focus clearly about that time Hans contact finally shows up turns out it's not a dude at all but an old flame of his named wait a minute and turns out it's an old flame of his name's averey details are sparse but we get the picture fairly quickly that these two were in love for a time but several years have passed since a big falling-out Zabar II hopes Han will be able to make sense of what's happening on the station and she takes the two men to the center of the problem the solo kids are put in a weird training facility for Dark Jedi they know Heather's trying to brainwash them but there's really no escape why because lurking around outside of the training grounds is a large dragon as in oh yeah it's it's a literal dragon that's meant to keep any of the trainees from leaving while living in the facility they meet all kinds of characters including a weird centaur kid he's literally called a centaur I'm not making that up long story short heavier is using the facility to build an army of dark jedi so that he can recast himself as the new emperor and conquer the galaxy what's more he's got an alliance brewing with someone named waru who claims to be able to give heavier unlimited power in his quest for domination get three loads up on a ship with Anakin and sets off toward war ooh Leia manages to follow the trail of the kidnappers and finds a large slave ship floating out in the middle of space she decides it's best to hide her identity for the time being so she pretends to be a bounty hunter in search of the missing children she dons her very best disguise and adopts an incredibly covert alias 'la Lilla as she could come up with apparently just doing this thing again was out of the question she and Chewie board the slave ship and rescue a woman who also happened to have her child stolen by Heth rear she happens to know where Heather's training facility is and the trio hatch a rescue plan the kids are still kidnapped it's very sad tsavorite takes Luke and Han to have central structure in the research station you can think of it like a big auditorium all around are different races of aliens all with one thing in common they're sick and they've come to be healed at the high golden altar of a being called waru the group walks in and it's basically a sci-fi equivalent of a Benny Hinn cult revival the great healer wharoo comes out on stage han and luke are shocked to find not a man but a giant golden blob type thing about it oh this is the great waa room a small sick pitiful alien is brought before him do you wish me to try to heal you seeker Luke and Hans jaws drop as they witness waru absorbed the alien shudder shake after a few moments the alien falls out shakes itself off totally healed at the sight of this Luke is completely hypnotized by waru even going so far as to bow to him Han thinks it's all a religious scam he does have his doubts though for instance wharoo refuses to accept money plus when attempting to heal a few other aliens he fails and they die instantly after viewing the ceremony Luke is transfixed believing wharoo to be some kind of force user and immediately sets about trying to recruit him for the New Republic on and Zhou Bree on the other hand get nothing but weird vibes from this blob of floating jelly and they start planning a way to leave the station Jana and Jason escaped the facility by writing on the back of the mythical dragon as you can imagine it reads more like Harry Potter than Star Wars but seeing as how Harry Potter was published three years later than this Phan Dinh McEntire avoids the copy strike Leia sorry I mean Leyla and the slave lady who turns out to be tigresses mom arrive on the scene and they pick the kids up also Chewie is there we find out that heavier plans to give baby anakin to the great waru to absorb in one of his cult rituals and that's a really bad thing also wharoo is from a different dimension as in a parallel universe that's that's a thing in this book this was canon when it was published if you were Star Wars nerd you just had to accept it so back at the research station Han comes home from a bad day of gambling jumps into and literally pouts on his bed like a small child and then a crazed Luke walks in and accuses him of having an affair with averey the angst increases tension is high it looks like our heroes are about to kill each other and none of it none of it makes sense these two have been through an intergalactic war together they're grown men why are they behaving like this well it turns out that the answer rests at the heart of the crystal star at the dying white dwarf and black hole that the research station is orbiting around is continually firing off all kinds of weird radiation that affects force users and I'm gonna assume hardened generals as well these side effects are causing people to lose their mind and it's only helping to bring more and more sick people to Juarez cult and in return causing him to gain more and more power eventually Leia and the kids find their way onto the station heavier shows up with Anakin and in a climactic battle Luke Leia and Han I'll jump inside of waru and we read through an entire chapter of them swimming through golden goop to try and rescue the baby while coming to blows with heavier I'm not gonna spoil all the nitty-gritty details because I think spoilers from a 24 year old book or totally wack but foolish one four years old this book is older than most of my audience I feel ancient but not as ancient is the Great War rule although I am from another dimension maybe this entire book exists in another dimension it would certainly explain all the out of character moments and the fact that this book includes werewolves and centaurs and Dragons and castles and ian mckellen actually no not that not that last one sorry anyway I'm not going to spoil all the nitty-gritty details because I think spoilers from a 24 year old book or totally work but suffice it to say wah Roos hypnotic mind control is cut short [Applause] obviously we can all agree this book has got some weird choices in it and these weird choices certainly affect your enjoyment the book kind of squanders a lot of potential early on and you finish each chapter feeling like the characters are just going about the adventure we're all wrong I mean Montreux coold rose kidnapping ritual that seems like a really neat setup but within just a few pages Leia's blasted off the planet and the whole plot thread is abandoned just kind of feels like lost potential this solo kids adventure drags through the entire story and it feels like I'm reading something out of middle-earth and the fact they're kids kind of gets played up a bit too much I mean there's literally an are we there yet comment from one of the kids on board a starship at one point in the book and Luke Luke is so unloop like that I just straight-up don't like him he feels completely useless acts like a total wimp this is post Return of the Jedi by the way Luke's become a full-fledged Jedi Knight he's become a legend across the whole galaxy for defeating Darth Vader and the Emperor but through the entire book he just kind of plays the part of the queasy sick guy he even collapses several times from feeling so frail I mean the book cover sets them up to look intimidating but once you actually crack it open he's anything but I'm so sick and tired of reading people's complaints about Luke in the last Jedi if you think he doesn't seem like Luke in that film just try reading this thing for over five months I've had to hear from a bunch of kids who've never known what it's like to not have a Star Wars every five years jabber on about how the last Jedi is the worst period ever period oh really really oh you think that whole dos secret plan and the movie didn't make sense try making sense out of a book that has an interdimensional Star Trek blob trying to create a rift in the universe from something called anti force huh what's that you thought that the Kanto brite casino side plot was pointless and didn't really make sense timewise imagine spending a third of a book reading about Jana and Jason solo being initiated into an army going through a military academy gaining friends along the way losing friends along the way climbing the ranks discovering a dragon but friending the dragon breaking the entire facility of kids out and escaping by writing the back of now befriended dragon going through a foot chase in a mysterious dark forest and finally finally getting away only to discover that they could have just stayed at the facility and waited for their mommy to show up and rescue them all in the course of like an afternoon or something oh no you're probably complaining on Twitter about how these bombs can somehow fall and zero gravity imagine the leap of faith you have to take in this book when you realize that Leia's kids just happen to be kidnapped by a guy who just happened to be heading to the same planet that Luke and Han just happened to be visiting after they receive a distress beacon concerning a creepy golden blob that just happens to be the same blob the guy who kidnapped the kids in the first place is bringing them – hmm you think this scene has bad choreography this thing has literally no lightsaber combat at all the only thing we get in this book is Luke sitting in a hotel room repeatedly switching his saber on and off like he's completely bored being there look I get it you're allowed to not like this thing or this thing you're allowed to have your own opinions on films books TV whatever but can we stop with this over-the-top everything is the worst ever ISM that's so popular on the Internet when I first started really weird my entire channel got filled with the same lame comment about how the force awakens was terrible that JJ Abrams ruined everything and that the movie was an exact copy of a new hope and that Disney was too afraid to try anything new with the franchise and then with the last jet I dropped the exact same people filled my comment section with the complete inverse argument that the last Jedi was terrible and that Rian Johnson ruined everything and this movie tried to do so many new things that it felt like a totally different franchise which way do you want to have it this kind of relentless cynicism is driving people away from fan bases it's polarizing the movie makers and the movie goers and it is a surefire way to always have a bad time alright here's the point this is what I'm trying to say Star Wars is a vast franchise that spans multiple mediums and we're living in the most exciting time to be a fan so let this be a cry of one fan in the void be good to each other there is so much to be happy about why not just enjoy the show would you really rather the show stop I don't know about you but I sure wouldn't and believe you me I don't want to go back to just getting one of these each year you feel me but hey maybe you want to judge it for yourself well then my friend audible has got a deal for you they're offering everybody watching this video a free audiobook with a 30-day trial membership just go to audible.com slash Austin McConnell and browse through their massive selection of audio programs find a title you like download it for free and start listening easy peasy that's right you're a promo code away from owning the crystal star in your personal audio library I use audible all the time I'm more than happy to recommend them to you all summer is just around the corner and if you're like me you've got a full schedule of activities but you don't want to get behind on your reading audiobooks are a great sidekick to have while you're out hiking or running or on a summer road trip believe me so spend a month with audible audible members get a credit each month good for any audiobook the and your unused credits roll over to the next month maybe it didn't like your audiobook you can exchange it no questions asked plus the books are yours to keep with audible you can go back and re-listen anytime even if you cancel your membership so you've nothing to lose go to audible.com slash Austin McConnell or text Austin McConnell to five zero zero five zero zero to get started today thanks for watching this is part five in a series you can go back and check out the other episodes of really weird by hitting the link on your screen or don't I don't really care

41 thoughts on “The "WORST" Star Wars Novel EVER

  1. Everyone in comments is complaining about The Last Jedi, and I'm just sitting here wanting your hot takes on Waru, the inter-dimensional golden blob.

  2. The message at 5:34 reads: "If you took the time to translate this, I take my nerd hat off to you. Thanks for being an awesome viewer. Don't forget to smack that like button."

  3. The Last Jedi is nowhere close to the worst MOVIE ever made. But it is objectively one of the worst SEQUELS to a popular franchise ever made. It completely destroys the set up from episode 7 and does not advance the plot of the trilogy AT ALL, forcing Disney to essentially have episode 9 carry the plot of the middle and end of the trilogy while partially ignoring the meaningless events in The Last Jedi.

    The fact that you think The Last Jedi was great is fine, but it also shows you do not look at the film objectively, and it is just as silly as people calling it the worst movie ever made.

  4. I hated the "The last Jedi." I'm almost 30 years old also this book looks like it could be a fun read. And yes, In terms of the books, all this stuff makes sense. Showed us what you really "know" about star wars. (Nothing.) Unsubbed, disliked, watched with Add Blocker, and commented to share my dislike. Enjoy.

  5. I never thought that Star Wars was good – not even the original trilogy. At most: a guilty pleasure for people who have never grown up.

  6. "Would you really rather the show stop?" Yeah, I'm sure there are plenty of people who would just have Star Wars be the original trilogy, de-specialized. No prequels, no sequels.

  7. Unpopular Opinion: I liked The Crystal Star when I read it…in elementary school. Perhaps I should give it a reread. 🤔

  8. It's not just Fanboys who think TLJ sucks. I'm a casual star wars fan at best. I don't know much of the expanded universe, I have only ever seen the main film and the animated series. TLJ failed to deliver what I wanted from a Star Wars movie. End of discussion.

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