“Thoughts” – A Suicide Awareness Spoken Word Poem

I’m having thoughts. If you don’t know what that means then I’m
happy for you. Because it means that you’ve never had the
urge to step to the ledge and keep walking. It means that you’ve never had dreams of not
waking up. You’ve never wanted something so much and
yet been afraid to have it, because you know that once you get it that’s it.There’s no
giving it back. There’s no coming or going. It’s just blackness. It’s a gift and a curse that you give to yourself
but there’s no receipt. There’s no lease with option to buy because
this is an all-or-nothing transaction. And despite the fact that I know this, the
very finality of it actually INCREASES the attraction. I’m having thoughts of harming myself. Don’t sound the alarm. Don’t call the police. And please, definitely don’t call me. I’m not saying this is happening. I’m not standing in my kitchen with a knife,
and I’m not sitting on the edge of my bed with a bottle of answers that are all incorrect. And to tell you the truth, I’m happy about
it. I’m happy that these are just thoughts. Because I know there are millions of people
who are way past that. There are countless others standing on that
ledge and they DON’T look back. I know this because I’ve been there. I’ve seen the abyss that comes after and I’ve
been torn back into this world. I’m just… I’m having thoughts. I wish that I wasn’t. I wish that I could control them. I know that I have a lot to live for, and
I know that I am loved. But when that voice in my mind becomes louder
than my own, when it echoes so much that it begins to feel like actual waves slamming
against the shores of my consciousness, all the fortune cookie quotes in the world can’t
form a dam strong enough to stop them from eroding the banks of my common sense. I’m sorry. I know that this topic makes you nervous. And I know that anything you do about it comes
from a place of love. But please understand that this is a pain
that I’ve lived with all of my life. These thoughts aren’t just coming out of nowhere. I’ve been fending off these demons for as
long as I can remember. Relentless in their attacks, regardless of
whether it’s day, night, or who’s around. And though it may seem dangerous to you, know
that at this point I’ve won far more battles than not. This is a foe that no one can face but me,
and I know all of their strengths. I know every strategy that they can throw
at me. I may get countless cuts and bruises along
the way, but it’s a dance that I know all too well. It’s a choreography that I’ve been learning
for years. And, though sometimes I may have a misstep,
please know that these are just thoughts.

17 thoughts on ““Thoughts” – A Suicide Awareness Spoken Word Poem

  1. Wow Allen. Now i believe that you are my guardian angel. Just for the last few days i have been in so much pain. I just took painkillers hoping it will help even though i know the answer. Today i just found myself imagining that i was in the ER and they were trying to resuscitate me and i kept on telling them to stop and let me go. As you say, these are just thoughts.

  2. Most excellent writing – YET AGAIN my friend. What a hard subject to write about but to experience them is yet another. I’ve been there as well – thank you again for another piece of art that touches my soul. Well done!

  3. Thanks for taking the time to watch! Please let me know what you think, and if you were able to get something out of it please click that red SUBSCRIBE button above (it's free and let's you keep up-to-date with my #mentalhealth awareness videos). 💙

  4. Thank you for being able to explain to others these thoughts. I tried a couple of months ago and well it didn't work but I still have the thoughts. You explained it best. Sharing.

  5. Thank you so much for posting that video.It was so helpful. Maybe if we could go around screaming " I'm having thoughts! I'm having thoughts!" and have someone sit down next to us and say " I know. It's ok."….maybe that would be all we'd need sometimes.

  6. It is like I am speaking in someone else's voice. This is scarily similar to the situation of so many people.

  7. Wow. Just wow. I have had 50+ suicide attempts from childhood abuse and torture, plus my bipolar. I went 13 years without a suicide attempt. Your videos helped so much. I fought these thoughts so long. Unfortunately, I broke my 13 year record in August and took 12 bottles of pills. I wound up in a coma. I'm still here. Still struggling, but surviving. I am not giving up no matter how hard the battle in my head gets. I'm going to keep fighting. You get it so much. I'm crying. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless you. ❤

  8. I've been going through this since I was a child. I felt like I was alone, but this video made me feel less alone. Like someone finally understands what I've been trying to say but haven't been able to speak the right words.

  9. This touched me like no other poem. It’s like you were in my head! I’m so tired of the thoughts.

  10. Thankyou. I caught 2 minutes of you on a TV interview saying that the issue with your work was trying to 'get it out there' – because as soon as people heard the word poetry, they imagined Shakespeare or similar. I think, deep down, I wanted to prove your theory, by trying to listen to one of your pieces before giving up. I tried… but I made it to the end – easily. I tried with another and listened to the end. And another. And another. And now I know. I know that some stranger from thousands of miles away, at a different age to me, in a totally different life – is the ONLY person who REALLY understands how I feel. Who understands how I have felt for decades, for years before I even knew I had lost something – me. Thankyou, I will 'get it out there'.

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