-Here’s what people
are talking about. The big story today
was that Congress had just one day left to prevent
a government shutdown. But don’t worry —
it’ll only affect nonessential government employees,
like park rangers, museum guides,
and the President, so that’ll be fine.
[ Laughter and applause ] I guess Congress
had 24 hours to pass a short-term spending bill if
they want to avoid a shutdown. Trump told them
to do their jobs, then went back
to announcing the winners of a made-up awards show. [ Laughter and applause ] Did you see this? Last night, Trump tweeted a link
to his Fake News Awards page, but for a while,
it wouldn’t load. [ Laughter ] His I.T. guy was like, [ Russian accent ] “Sorry, my
trolls can only build so fast.” [ Laughter and applause ] “I’ll get back
to working on this thing.” Heh heh heh.” [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ] But Trump
named “The New York Times,” ABC News, and CNN as the top
three reporters of fake news. And his top three reporters
of real news were Fox News, his Magic 8-Ball,
and Snapple caps. [ Laughter and applause ] Real news. This is interesting. I read that Trump
actually has two cellphones, and his staff nicknamed them
Trump 1 and Trump 2. Sounds a little something
out of a Dr. Seuss book. [ Laughter ]
It’s actually no coincidence. Trump actually wrote his own
Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy.
Check this out. It says… [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] That’s not
a great book for kids. ♪♪♪♪ ♪♪ Cov-fefe, cov… ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Ooh, check this out.
Dunkin’ Donuts. I love Dunkin’ Donuts.
-Oh, the Dunk. -Dunkin’ Donuts is opening some
new stores around the country that are just called Dunkin’.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] -They’re saying
they’re next-generation stores for younger customers. But I think they might
be trying a little too hard to appeal to millennials. Check out their latest ad. -‘Sup teens?
Can you even? We can, ’cause we’re Dunkin’. We’re not your parents’
coffee place. Lame! Our new stores
are totally tilted. ♪♪ Tilted ♪♪ That other coffee?
-Corporate. -Know what I meme? -I can has coffee, meow? -R-R-R-R-Reboot! [ Explosion ] [ Air horn blaring ] D-a-a-amn, Dunkin’! We’re so cool,
we’re coming to Hulu. -Stream! -So fidget spin on into Dunkin’. We’re the G.O.A.T.! [ Goat screams ] [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -What? ♪♪♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Wow!
-Yeah. -Yeah, I know. It’s like — I think they’re
trying a little too hard. -You think
they’re trying too hard? -A little bit, man.
-[ Laughing ] -Oh, my goodness.
[ Laughing ] Get this, you guys. [ Laughter ] It’s tilted, man. -“Fidget spin
your way over here.” -Yeah, fidget, yeah.
[ Air horn blaring ] -Yeah, I know.
[ Laughter ] I saw that —
I saw that two new axe-throwing bars
will open in Boston this year. [ Light laughter ] That’s right — Boston
is getting a new bar where people
can try axe-throwing. So far, all the customers
give it 1 1/2 thumbs up. [ Laughter and applause ] And finally,
a little sports news. Sunday is the
AFC Championship game between the Patriots
and the Jaguars. [ Cheers and applause ] But I saw that Tom Brady
injured his hand. People said, “What happened?” He said, “You know
that new axe-throwing bar?” We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots!