What words do you need?


(cheerful music) – Hey, I’m Terrance. Welcome back. I’m a middle school Pastor. Did you just groan? Come on now, don’t do that. That’s what I usually get
when I tell people what I do, and I get it. Middle school was rough for most of us. Why? Words. Maybe words our parents said to us or something a friend
said behind our backs. Maybe it was a teacher
or a coach’s comment, and those words just stuck
with us, messed us up. And the truth is what
we’re talking about today could’ve changed all that. It’s one of the reasons I wish every parent, every teacher, every coach understood that when I say
this, you might hear that. We’re wired to hear the
same words differently, but you knew that already. You’ve seen it before. Think about playing sports as a kid. I played basketball and I
had coaches who were tough. They weren’t afraid to
let me have it, and for me their yelling was motivation, like “Oh, you don’t think I’m good enough? “I’ll prove you wrong.” But the exact same words
from the exact same coaches crushed the souls of other teammates. I could see those guys thinking, “I knew I wasn’t good enough. “Now, coach is calling me out. “Man, I’m the worst.” What’s the difference? Temperament. Your reaction to words, good or bad, is the result of your temperament. It’s why the stakes are so high
when we talk to each other. We’ve got to know how are words
our gonna land with someone before we speak. Knowing their temperament helps that. And you know what? It could’ve totally changed middle school for you and for me. It could’ve totally changed
your first marriage, that one job, your
relationship with your kids. So the question is how do we
know the right thing to say? The next part of Ephesians
4:29 gives us a clue. It tells us to say only what is helpful for building others up
according to their needs. And if we’re honest, that’s not usually why we say what we say. Usually, I talk because I
need you to know something. Paul, who wrote this verse,
is flipping the script. He says I should talk
because you need something. Here’s what he’s pointing to. We’re each wired to need certain words. Based on your temperament,
you have four innate needs, things you’ve gotta get
to be your best self. An easy way for me to think
about this is like food. I’m a guy. Food makes sense to me. At least three times
a day, I’ve gotta eat. God made me to need food. And when I haven’t eaten in a
while, I get a little hungry. Actually, a little hangry. I start craving things. Well, the same thing happens with words. I’m wired to need certain words. When I haven’t heard them
lately, I start craving them and so do you. In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says
that when I’m talking to you, I should be thinking about your needs using the words “you’re craving”. And here’s the best news
especially for us guys. It’s not a secret. I don’t have to guess what you need. Your temperament tells me. To teach us exactly what
the four innate needs are for each temperament, I’m gonna let Kathleen take it from here. – So we’re gonna talk
about innate needs today. So, I want to pass these out to you, so you have him in front of you. These are a list of all… and here, I think I’m gonna
keep one of these for myself. So, what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna read through these first, and then I’m going to ask you a little bit about each one, for you, and we’re gonna talk about it. The Sanguine, acceptance,
attention, approval and affection. The Choleric, sense of control, loyalty, credit for work and appreciation. The Phlegmatic, the green,
is harmony, lack of stress, respect and feeling of worth. And the Melancholy, the blue, is safety, support, sensitivity, and space and silence. So, I’m gonna ask you, Andrew. When you’re thinking about safety, what first comes to your mind when you think about that?
– Sure. I think the first thing I
think of is physical safety. – Mm-hm. – But for me, I think the important thing is really emotional safety. Like I mentioned before, I’m way more comfortable and outgoing when I’m with close friends that I trust. – Okay. Even with physical safety, sometimes I won’t even enter a building if I don’t think it’s safe. Or I won’t go up to a group
unless I think it’s safe. Do you ever have that
feeling of outside of that? – I don’t think I’m as
sensitive to physical safety as maybe like you’re saying. – Mm-hm. – But overall, I’d say I’m
probably safety oriented. I’m the fire marshal at work. – Are you really? (laughs) That’s terrific. – I have a vest. – You have a vest?
– [Andrew] Yeah. – And everything?
– [Andrew] Mm-hm. – What, is it neon? – [Andrew] Yeah. – Okay. – [Kathleen] So now you want to be… – It just got really exciting. I want to be a fire marshal. – A yellow one and an orange one. – This situation. – Yeah, a yellow and an orange. – So, officer Andrew. He’s officer Andrew
– Yeah. I didn’t know if that would
come up for everyone to know. – Yeah, but that’s a good thing. – Trying to have false humility. – I feel better sitting
next to you now knowing that you’re the fire marshal. – I feel so much safer. – Well, safety in and of
itself is an innate need. When you first read that,
is there a connection then that you feel? Because each one of these is specifically for the temperament
that it’s written under, so safety for melancholy
is usually a big deal. – Sure and I think when
I’m with my friends who are maybe other colors, I’m the one that’s saying, “Oh, maybe we need to think
about this to make sure…” So I probably do lean into that, especially when I’m with others and I feel like no one else is… – Making the decision
– Making the effort to… – Or they’re making decisions
too hastily for you, right? – [Andrew] Sure. – Or may be even reckless. – Right.
– True. – Yeah, I don’t like it when
the yellows are driving. (laughs) Oh, there you go.
– Okay. – You may get there quickly.
– Fine. – A little on the fun side. – Arrive alive is important, right? – When I was little,
my mom would be driving and I would have to go to the bathroom, and I would say, “go as
fast as the law allows”. (laughs) – I love that. – As the law allows.
– [Andrew] As the law allows. – [Kathleen] As the law allows because melancholies are…
– I wanted to stay safe. – Very black and white. Right? And we’re safe
– And not get in trouble. – Exactly. The next one on there is support. And as you read through there, sometimes you connect much more quickly with one than the other. So, in this order, I’m just
saying safety, support, sensitivity, space and silence, does one jump out at
you more than another? – Oh, the space and silence. – Really? – Yeah, that’s definitely where
I feel like I get my energy and where I can work the most efficiently is when I’m by myself in space and I need time to think about things. – Mm-hm. – Does that make sense? – Silence. – Mm-hm. – Quiet. – Yeah, love it. – Mm-hm. (laughs) – I’m overwhelmed thinking about it. – Sanguines don’t really… – What are you talking about right now? – Go for that kind of silence, right? – [Toni] No. – Tell me though, when you’re… Sometimes, I’ve heard
even melancholies say they can be at a ballgame and
lots of stuff can be going on, and they can still have that
space and silence in there. – Oh, yeah. It’s not just about the physical silence. It’s about letting your
mind be within itself. I don’t know, that sounds way deeper. (laughs) – [Kathleen] But you are deep. – You are deep. – [Kathleen] That’s the whole idea, right? – Yeah.
– Right. – One of the things that definitely came to
mind for space and silence, I have roommates. – [Kathleen] Okay. – And one of my best
friends who I live with is definitely a yellow,
and he was always… We’d get home from work and
I’d be in my room unwinding. – Mm-hm. – He’d come in and just be like, “So, what do you want to do?” (laughs) And I’d just be like, “I’m
doing it, I’m already…” – [Toni] You’re already doing it. – And doing it.
– I’m here. What are you trying to do? – What are you trying to do? – And he would, even if
I was sitting on my bed watching a movie or something, he would come in and he
would just sit on the floor. – [Toni] Stop.
– [Kathleen] Yeah. – So we gotta talk for a while. – Yeah. – I was like, “Okay.” – I was enjoying the… – So, interrupted.
– Yeah. – [Kathleen] Came in your space. – Mm-hm.
– And then that. So, what do you think about that when you’re thinking
about space and silence? – I think you need to be a
little bit more sensitive. No, I’m just playing. (laughs) I do it all the time.
– [Kathleen] Yeah. – It’s so funny now that
we’re processing through this. I think about my poor
husband in the morning, and he’s just like, “I
need 20 minutes please”. And I’m just like, “Babe,
God woke us up this morning. “Aren’t you so excited? “Look at us, we’re alive.” – Which goes right into
acceptance, attention, approval, affection. So, tell us a little bit about acceptance. What does that mean to you? What does it… – When I think about acceptance, I honestly think about my childhood. And I was talking about this the other day with one of my friends. I think that I was that friend that fought really hard to have friends. I would go and get gifts for
everyone for their birthday. I would want to pay for everything. And I think that it was,
now that I’m looking back, I think it was rooted out
of a place of acceptance. – Mm-hm. – And I think even with my dad and stuff. He was present, but not present. So, he was in the house,
but he worked so much. And so I think I always
had this validation thing and I pinged back and forth between validation from people and then validation from
intimate relationships versus validation from accolades
and people cheering me on. – This is why I love going
through the innate needs. Because what I think we’re gonna find is what Toni’s really
talking about right now is approval and acceptance. So remember, yours is
attention, affection, approval and acceptance. So, I think when we get down in there and we start defining these, you’re gonna see some of the things that you just described very clearly fit into those definitions. I would think… tell me a little bit about acceptance when it comes to being
invited or at a party or when girlfriends
are going out to lunch. – Okay, so one of the
things that I taught myself maybe about four years ago was
to celebrate not criticize. – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – We have a three-best-friendship
with three women. – Mm-hm. – And typically, I am
the person that comes in and is celebrated, “Oh, it’s so cool.” And so in this three-best-friendship, I actually came into a friendship
that was already formed. – Okay. – And so after awhile, they
would do things together and I’d be like… “Why didn’t yall text me?” – [Kathleen] Yeah or they didn’t invite me.
– But I don’t want to say it, right.
– [Kathleen] Yeah, yeah. – And so I had to really start processing. Let me celebrate their
friendship versus be critical. – And that’s a great
step into your strengths. – It was hard, it was hard. – But it absolutely is in
that definition of acceptance. – Yeah. I want to be invited
– [Kathleen] Being invited… – To the party. – Exactly.
– Put my name on the list. – What happens, Lesli, when you’re invited to a party?
– [Toni] VIP. (laughs) – Like, what? – I’m probably looking at my calendar to figure out how I can credibly say no. – [Andrew] Yeah. (laughs) – I don’t want to lie. – [Toni] Okay, no. – I don’t want to say I don’t want to go. – No. – So I’m gonna look for
a good reason to say no. – [Kathleen] There you go. – That’s good. I want to be invited to the party. – Well, I know you do, yeah. – Text me. – [Kathleen] Text you. (laughs) One of the innate needs that the Sanguines really struggles with too is attention because there’s a difference. Not every Sanguine wants
to be center stage. – [Toni] Mm, for sure. – What does that mean to you? – It’s true. What’s interesting is that my career is just stage and camera
and voice-over work and stuff like that. But I truly get filled up
when someone’s sitting with me face-to-face with their phone down, looking me in my eye,
nodding at the things I say and interacting with the things I say, asking me questions. – Mm-hm. – All those different… – Showing interest in your story. – Yeah, like leaning into it. – [Kathleen] Yeah, and eye contact. “What?”
– [Toni] “What?” – Like this. – See, I already learned that. – See how I can love
you better right there. But it really is focus on content. – [Toni] Oh, yeah. It’s all me.
– [Kathleen] Yeah. – That sounds so bad when you say it. – That’s what some of the
Sanguines definitely struggle with is some of the things that
are your innate needs, society says, “No, no, no, no, no. “Not attention, not approval, “We do not seek those things.” But you are wired for those things. – Right, so they need to get it together. (laughs) – But really it’s about you
being that in your strengths. And what I hear most from
Sanguines about approval is “take me as I am”. – Yeah. – “Ask me not to change. “I’m allowed. “I’m sparkly.” – We’re radiant.
– “I wiggle.” – We’re radiant. – So to not ask for that, to be different, does that sound like something that… – No, absolutely, for sure. – Lesli, tell me a little bit. As you read through
loyalty, sense of control, appreciation and credit for work, which one of those jump right out? Do you connect with all
four of them immediately? – I feel like the killjoy here because when we were doing the weaknesses, I was a little blank too. I don’t see myself as a
very controlling person. – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – I don’t see myself being
driven by these things. – Okay. – So you telling me that
these are my needs… – Well, tell me a little bit about… – [Lesli] Let’s talk about that. – Yes, lets talk about
that because remember, one of your desires or
motivators is control. – Mm-hm. – [Kathleen] But that is very different than a sense of control. – Okay. – Okay, there’s people who really abuse it and want to be in charge. – [Lesli] Right. – They are power-driven. – Right. – Then, there’s the Cholerics
in their healthy strengths that understand that a sense of control, all the cogs working together,
everybody doing their part, so that you don’t have to step in. – Yeah, that’s definitely me.
– [Kathleen] Yeah. – I’m definitely thinking
ahead and trying to figure out how things could go best. – Okay. – And what part I can play. And I leave space for other
people to play their part. I’m not definitely trying to
own everybody’s piece of it. – Right. – But I’m also willing to step in and do someone else’s piece if I need to. – Yeah, and when do you
feel like you need to? – When they can’t. – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – When they won’t, not so much. – Keep going. – Yeah, when they won’t, not so much. – Yeah.
– I’ll stand my ground. – Even with work though. Talk a little bit about a
sense of control with work. – At work… I guess I feel like I have the clearest picture of the destination that we’re headed toward, and I want to make sure that other people stay aligned to that. And so I guess the sense of control comes from just checking in to make sure that everybody’s still tracking toward that destination because I really don’t want
to go down any rabbit trails. – So delegating?
– [Lesli] Mm-hm. – Versus. – Delegating versus I don’t know. – [Kathleen] Micromanaging, possibly? – I don’t micromanage.
– [Kathleen] No, you don’t. – I do not micromanage. – Because one of your
strengths is delegating. – Really? – Yes. – Oh, that’s nice to know.
– [Kathleen] It is. (laughs) And maybe we read past that one. But again, that’s the difference between a Choleric choosing a weakness and a Choleric choosing a strength. – Mm-hm. – A micromanager that’s
telling them what to do and people are following them in fear versus somebody who’s
delegating and is influential and people want to follow you. – [Lesli] Okay. – Let’s go into that,
co-workers and loyalty. – Mm-hm. – Tell me about that. – Again, I don’t think I go to work expecting a lot out of people in terms of them… demonstrating loyalty to me. – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – But we have a really good team dynamic. – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – What if you were walking to the bathroom and you heard a couple of your teammates talking to somebody else
and they were saying good things about you,
“she’s a great leader, “she always lifts us up, “she gives us a chance to make decisions, “she really has our back”? – I’d be flattered and
embarrassed in equal portions. that’s how I would feel.
– Yeah. – Flattered and embarrassed. I would probably run. – Yeah, well… They don’t even have to
know that you heard right. – That’s good. – But would that go into
your definition of loyalty? – Absolutely. – [Kathleen] Okay, what if they were saying
unkind words about you? – Oh, my gosh. – [Kathleen] What would happen? – I would be kind of crushed. – Kinda? – Kinda crushed, yeah. I don’t even know how I… Yeah, I don’t know what
I would do with that. – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – Because that would require some really challenging
rebuilding of trust. – Mm-hm. – Yeah, I would not enjoy that. – No.
– [Lesli] Let’s not go there. – Because it attacks this… – I guess it does. It attacks that… – [Kathleen] And you’re
even getting a little… – Yeah. – [Kathleen] emotional about it. – A little amped up, yeah. Don’t you dare do that to me? (laughs) – Sorry. But that’s what I want you to feel. – [Lesli] Mm-hm. – Because this is how you’re wired and that is a trigger point for you, so we want to make sure
that this is being filled. – Okay. – [Kathleen] In a good way.
– Got it. – So then there’s credit for work. Tell me about that. At first, most Cholerics, “Oh, I don’t need credit for work”. – Yeah, I grew up in my earlier career having had a boss who I guess
used a quote by someone else and said, “there’s no limit
to what you can accomplish “if you don’t care who gets the credit”. – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – And so I’ve lived off of that. But I’ll be honest with you. – Please do. – When I recognize that someone has hijacked an idea
or taken credit for an idea or not given credit for an
idea, anything in that lane. – Mm-hm. – It’s hard.
– Yeah. – And I can get a little injured. – So now in the next days to come, I would hope you would pause there and go, “okay, how is this being filled?” – Right. – [Kathleen] How am I responding to this, not reacting to it, but responding to it with
things from my strengths side? – Got it. – The green or the Phlegmatic’s needs are harmony, feeling of worth,
lack of stress, and respect. – So, one that stands
out for me is harmony. I think about work and home and just things that I’m passionate about. But at home, I have three
kids eight and under, so… (laughs) there’s not always quiet
– Mm-hm. – I like to say that
my kids live out loud. – [Kathleen] There you go. – [Toni] Yes. – There’s a lot of energy.
– [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – From the time they wake up till they go to bed or till
we work on going to bed. (laughs) – Which now, you’re going to have a whole different lens to
look at as you’ll start looking at your children
through their colors. – What kind of language am I using. – Sure, absolutely. – Am I connecting with them? Harmony, I like to be
physically involved with them whether it’s playing outside, wrestling, engaging them in a hike, or at the pool, something that will help
us to connect physically and get some of that energy out. – So, what I’m hearing then is as long as everybody’s getting along… – Mm-hm. – and nobody’s fighting
or killing each other – [Geremy] Right.
– if they’re under a eight. is everybody’s just getting
along, that’s harmony to you. – Totally. – [Kathleen] It doesn’t mean that everybody’s in separate
rooms doing something. – [Geremy] No, no. – You can be all together,
but everybody getting along. – Getting along. Yeah, getting along is good. – [Kathleen] Getting along is very good. So, define me lack of stress. This is one of my favorite
ones for the Phlegmatic. – I think of lack of
stress as my weekends. – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. – So, work, during the work week, I’m passionate about what I do, so it’s okay to have a
level of stress there and conflict and different
things that we work through, but I like to relax on the weekends. So, I want there to be some down time. – [Kathleen] Yeah. – And I think I recharge with that. – Yeah. – That down time. – So, lack of, again,
conflict or confrontation or combative words. Just everything, again,
going kind of harmoniously. – Yeah. – And also bring down your stress level. – So, like a to-do list. Early on in marriage, there
was a conflict around chores… – Okay. – and quality time where my wife wanted us to get things done and I wanted us to sit down and connect. – [Kathleen] Okay.
– With each other. – Whether it’s watching a
game or watching a show. And so one of the ways
we work through that is having a to-do list where everything doesn’t have to get done it’s kind of like a menu. – [Kathleen] Okay. – If some of these gets done it’s a win. – [Kathleen] Great. – So then I could choose what I got done, and I’d want to overachieve
and get more done instead of thinking they
all have to get done. – Yeah. – So it was more optional. – So is this something
in the lack of stress you’ve noticed your whole life? – Yeah.
– [Kathleen] Yeah. – I would say so. – Do you remember anything
from when you were a child that could show you that? – I grew up with a dad who
was more red, more choleric. – Okay. – Choleric. More red, more choleric. So he had to, and there’s
probably some melancholy too, when he would teach me to do something, it had to be just right. – [Kathleen] Okay. – So mowing the lawn, I had
to mow in straight lines and get every blade of grass. And no matter how hard I tried, he would find the spot that I missed or that I didn’t do perfectly. And so, with that, I would get frustrated and get down on myself or angry, and would not feel respected. Would not feel like he’s trusting me with with
this and letting me go. – [Kathleen] Yeah. – Felt like he was micromanaging it. – Yeah. – So, that was difficult. At times, I’d be like,
“I just want to give up.” – [Kathleen] Mm-hm. But you didn’t. But that feeling of worth, that’s where I would definitely put that. It shows that you wanted to feel valued. So, when he gave you that instruction… – I wanted to perform, to get it right, and then I’d be let down. So, one time in particular, I remember going into our garage after and I was about to go up the stairs and he had gotten onto me for something. It was mowing the lawn or something else. But he had gotten onto me and
I started to tear up and cry, and as I did, he had been
going at me pretty hard with his words, and as
I did, he backed off. And he said these words
that I will always remember, just that he didn’t
want to break my spirit, that God had given me a gentle
heart and a gentle spirit, and he didn’t want to break that in me. – [Kathleen] Wow. – He showed me respect. – Yeah, and feeling of worth, right? – I felt so much more. – [Kathleen] I’m feeling it with you. – Yeah. – [Kathleen] That was a powerful thing, and from a parent. – [Lesli] It’s huge. – What do you think about
that as a red parent? – Actually, what you
were just talking about, because I think I was answering mainly in my work-side brain, but as you were telling that story about your dad micromanaging
the mowing of the lawn, I’m like, wow. If my kids ever listen to this, they’re gonna be like
“liar, liar, pants on fire.” (laughs) Because when it comes to
things around the house I can micromanage pretty intensely because I can get it done faster, better, and I hugely value a super tidy space. And so… – And how do they respond? – You know, not well. (laughs) – How was that working for you, right? – Particularly, I have a
daughter who I know is green and a daughter who is yellow, and those two in particular, can’t respond to my criticism and shouldn’t have had to endure it. I guess is what I would say. – But here’s the thing we want
to get out of this session, is that the words matter. – Yeah, I get that. – They speak not only to our hearts, but to the people we’re speaking to. So, what we heard Geremy say that I would hope you
all take with you today, is all these years later… 30, 25, 30 years later, those are the words that
he’s still thinking about. – Mm-hm. – [Kathleen] Those are the words that filled these innate needs for him. – Mm-hm. – Right.
– Yeah. – So, right now… – That’s good. – Yeah, how are you feeling? Are you feeling a little overwhelmed? are you feeling good?
– In a good way I think. – [Kathleen] Are you feeling skeptical? What are you thinking? – No, encouraged, but also like, wow. – [Toni] Aware. – Thank goodness there’s still time. – Yes. – To work on my words
– Yeah. – Yes, and it’s a journey. But there’s still time. – Learning the innate needs
can be a little overwhelming. It can make you rethink
some things you’ve said. It can also make you rethink some things that were
said to you or about you. I know some yellows who need attention, who’ve been told their whole life to calm down, sit down, quiet down. Some blues who’ve been called rude for needing space and silence. And some greens who’ve been labeled lazy when they were just trying
to stay away from the stress. Based on my experience
and maybe yours too, culture kind of shame some
of these needs, right? Good husbands, good parents, good leaders shouldn’t want this stuff. I’m choleric, red, so I
crave credit for work. It feels great when my wife notices what I do around the
house or for our daughter, but needing that credit feels selfish. Good dads are just expected
to make sacrifices. Learning the innate needs
hopefully gives you freedom. You were designed by God with
these cravings built right in. You don’t have to feel bad about them. Some of us have been walking around feeling guilty for wanting this stuff. And because, most likely, your parents, siblings,
spouse, co-workers, almost everyone else in your life has a different temperament than you, you can convince yourself that
something’s wrong with you or that something’s wrong with them. God wired you with these needs and gave you healthy ways, including loved ones, to fill them. So, a few years ago, I was unemployed, not totally sure what was next for me, and I started feeling
called to grad, to seminary. And that was gonna be
complicated for my family. But my wife said to me, “I trust you. “I have no trouble following you “because I’ve seen how you follow God.” Man, let me tell you. That put wind in my sails. I’m built to need loyalty,
and that was loyalty. Now, I’m lucky my wife
knew which words to say. Imagine if instead of loyalty, she had given me space and silence. That would’ve have hurt a whole lot. Because she got it right, I still remember what she
said five years later. Understanding this piece of the temperament’s framework is huge. It’ll help you know
yourself so much better. And eventually, with practice it’ll make your communication
with others so much better, so much more effective, so much kinder. (cheerful music)

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