When Skinny Means Pretty: A Slam Poem

I remember as a child, swinging on my chair
in school, rocking it back and forth, back and forth, until suddenly, it just kept going
back. And there was that split second where terror
would override every other feeling in my body. And, I knew it was all downhill from here. I was about to fall on the floor for all to
see. How embarrassing. But that moment that’s supposed to only
last a second, where your heart jumps and it’s overwhelmed with fear and your eyes
bulge, it’s never stopped. Every time I leave the house, or I talk to
someone new, it’s just like falling. I’m pushing my mind to do something it isn’t
capable of. It tells me that the people who see me, won’t
like me. They may not know me, but who cares? Because I’ve fat thighs, and messy hair,
and a tummy that looks like jelly when I walk and I use glasses to hide the bags under my
eyes. So how could they like me? Do they not see what I see every time I look
in the mirror and I pull my stomach in, as I cry my eyes out and say “I hope one day
I’m this thin?” How could you ignore all of the flaws that
I’ve been lead to believe make me a bad person? I remember when I was fourteen, I was told
I was too fat, and suddenly my whole perception of myself was destroyed. Like how had I not seen it before? I should be ashamed that I couldn’t see what
the whole world saw. That my weight was so important and now at
fourteen, I had let myself go. Maybe there was a message I missed, or a label
sewn into size twelve jeans to say that these should not fit because if they do, it means
you’re too fat too. So then, I swapped eating for dancing, and
dancing for fainting. Headaches, dizziness, blackouts whenever I
stood up because that was too much effort. My body didn’t have the energy to do something
so taxing as walk to the kitchen for another glass of water. Because now, all I consumed were lies and
diet plans on how to become thin. And it tasted fantastic finally getting validation. People would say “Wow, what’s your secret? You’ve lost so much so fast. You really must be working hard.” And I’d laugh and say “oh, haha. No secrets here. It’s not work at all.” Because really, work ends. You show up at nine am and you leave at five. And this didn’t. This was a constant, everlasting battle to
get my body to stop craving nutrition. I’d feed it with what I thought was the
truth — I can treat myself to anything I want. Ice-cream, or pizza, or anything other than
cereal bars and water in the weeks to come when I’m done. This will be worth it when other people like
me. Skinny means pretty. I promised myself, “I will love me, when
I look like somebody worthy of love.” But to do that, just being skinny was never
enough. Because you know, your height, your weight,
your hairstyle, your appearance — none of it defines who you are as a person, and I
didn’t realise that. I didn’t take into account how good some of
my actions were, even if I wasn’t happy with how I looked. So you know, I wasn’t too fat anymore. But, when people stopped commenting I started
to forget that, and my mind would tell me “don’t give up yet! When you lose weight, you look great. Other people tell you so.” It’s so unhealthy to think about. I just relied so much on other peoples comments
to make me feel happy about my appearance, because I couldn’t trust myself. Clearly I didn’t see things the way others
did. Because they were telling me they’re happy
now to see me looking healthy and light, when I was thinking “they must be joking, right? The most obvious thing about me is my huge
pudge, and my arms aren’t toned enough, and I’ve this flappy skin under my chin.” So now, I’m stuck with this ongoing feeling
of fear as I fall from my chair, but the ground still isn’t in sight. And at least when I land, maybe I’ll smash
because I’m feeling so delicate right now, but then I could pick myself back up again. But I am still falling, still hating myself
every second as that terror sears through my body, and still regretting that I allowed
it to all come to this. Still wishing I could hit rock bottom soon,
because at least then I can’t fall any further down. Hiya! That was basically a quick video about how
I kind-of struggled with issues with my weight and I’m still struggling. That story isn’t over yet. But thanks for watching anyway. I hope you liked it. If you didn’t, well there’ll be a new video
out at some stage in my life unless I die. Well then it won’t be during my life because
I’ll be dead. Yeah. Anyway, I’m on Snapchat. It’s up here. So thanks for watching anyway. Hope you liked it. If, if you want to read what I just said,
then I’ll have the transcript in my blog which you can find down in the description box below. And I’m also going to link to a poem called
“When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny,” I think it is. Or “When The Fat Girl Gets Thin.” Something like that. It’s by Blythe Baird. Sorry if I ruined her name. Em, and it’s fantastic. It’s a slam poem and it made me cry the first
few times I watched it so that’ll be linked in the description box below. Please excuse me. I had one of those things you know where — I
don’t even know what it’s like, just something overwhelms you and you can feel it in your
ears. Don’t know if that made sense to you. Anyway, thanks for watching. Hope you enjoyed that, and slán!

29 thoughts on “When Skinny Means Pretty: A Slam Poem

  1. This was very powerful – the weight of self imposed expectation can be so much it's scary! You rock Jess ❤️

  2. Great video keep up the AMAZING work as you are AMAZING on youtube its perfect 😀

  3. BTW you're beautiful <3 See you at #craiccon? Would love to meet you.

  4. Jessica. You're a babe. That's that. And this was honest and lovely. I LIKE YOU <3

  5. Jess you are so pretty and beautiful dont let other peoples words make you want to change your self or how you look i was always called big ears and it go to the point were i wanted to get rid of me ears and i stayed inside the house all day every day and i wanted to change how i looked because of what someone said to me but i said my ears are a part of my body and i like me ears and they are still big but i dont want to change them because of what others say so dont forget that you are your self dont let other peoples words make you change what you look like because you are very pretty and beautiful and amazing so plz dont let other peoples words want to change yourself remember what justin bieber said you should go and love yours self love your vids jess x

  6. We'll all die one day but the idea of a ghost video sounds like fun, you should get on that.

    Honestly though, brilliant video and it's a shame more youtubers aren't like you. 🙂

  7. If you really loved this, you can share it on Facebook. xoxo https://www.facebook.com/jessiblahtv/videos/1805241323042350/

  8. Your loyal supporters love you Jess!! you are beautiful inside and out. Thanks to you, so many people who come across this video will be inspired. You are amazing. Keep up the great work. XOXO.

  9. It's like this. If you're fat you're fat. Do something about it, if it bothers you. Bitching and self pitty doesn't help the outcome. Diet and exercise, it's painful physically and emotionally to deny your self good treats to snack on, deny gluttony. Now, do all that if you feel you're fat or if you give in to other people's judgments of you. As I see it, I could care less if fat folks live among me or skinny. It takes all kinds to make a world. Maybe its the Irish accent, but you're cute AF. Good day. And….Britain is free!

  10. I read this article on The Journal and I have it to I could really relate to it and for that I'd like to thank you for sharing that. I was really shocked with the comments I saw, one in particular where someone completely missed the point and was rather critical. I always wonder what 'body-type' people like that have. They must be 'perfect'. Anyway, I really liked the article because I feel like I've have similar arguments with myself about this.

  11. That was brilliant Jess! 😀 It was a really powerful message and the way you spoke it was so casual it was really good! 🙂 Congrats on getting published in the journel btw! 😀

  12. Hey Jess! Your last 2 videos have been very honest. That is very hard to find on YouTube nowadays. Fair play to you. Don't let words eat at you. Not others words and especially not your own. You don't need anybody else's validation. Just continue being yourself. Really enjoyed this 'spoken word' type video! Keep it up 🙂

  13. Hi Jessica, ur no longer at 666 subscribers, i just subbed =) i hate that damn number haha. you remind me of my Cousin Kim, she's beautiful too, similar eyes. yeah people are like books, we can't judge the book by it's cover. I think we have similar YT friends =)

  14. Oh my goodness I love this! I've just sat for the whole video completely trandfixed sobbing my eyes out! I think it's so sad that we can end up defining ourselves based on how we look and in the process we can forget our amazing strengths and values as a person, the things that really define us. Such a beautiful video; such a beautiful reminder of what we can end doing to ourselves and for what?! It's our own happiness that we need to strive for X

  15. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

  16. This was so beautifully written! The line "I promised myself that I will love me, when I look like someone worthy of love" really struck a cord with me and I legit had a lump in my throat! You're absolutely beautiful Jessica, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise 🙂

  17. very open and honest. trust me when i say that as you grow older you become more comfortable about who you are, as long as your family and friends, good, close friends know that you are a good person and that you do right by other people and you yourself know you are a good person, that's all that matters. yes we all want to look pretty/ beautiful but for each person "pretty" is different. being a good person everyone sees. a wise man once said " it's none of my business what other people think of me"

  18. o my goddess, u goddess. this is medicine for me. I feel this, I feel you. We connected a while back through youtube but I took a break from the whole thing but its so nice to get back to you and to come to your channel to feel less alone and inspired to find my own voice even more. Look forward to watching more of your videos hun. You glow <3

  19. I could listen to you all day. Loved this, and I love you, friend! 💙

    Truly beautiful words.

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